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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To consider dating a 25yr old?

24 replies

MarrymeTomHardy · 30/09/2021 08:56

I am 41, we both have a child; he seems sweet if a bit keen!
If you have seen any of my previous threads you'll know I ended an abusive 15 year relationship at the beginning of the year.
I am ready to have some fun now & see where things go, but a bit concerned about the age gap??

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 30/09/2021 09:06

If you’re both looking for something casual then it’s fine. If you want a longer term relationship then you need to establish what that means for both of you. If he’d like more children in the future you need to be clear with him that there’s a good possibility that won’t happen; are you in a position to carry him financially for some time, assuming gay he won’t have progressed very far in his career yet? Is he just idolising the idea of an older woman, rather than wanting to date you as a person?

In 35 and can’t imagine dating a man 15 years younger than me, I can’t imagine what we’d have in common or how we’d relate to each other. But I suppose it depends on individuals.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/09/2021 09:10

Sorry, not assuming he’s gay! Assuming that he won’t have progressed his career much.

MarrymeTomHardy · 30/09/2021 09:40

Grin You're right that he hasn't progressed that far, but he does have a reasonable job with stable prospects which is good.
I have a decent job & my own house so fine from that perspective but I don't want another cocklodger/child to look after!
Not sure about the fantasizing over an older woman, thats a good point 🤔 .
At this point I think he is more into me than I am him...
Future children is a good point, and that's why I like the fact that he has one of his own.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 30/09/2021 09:44

It’s a big age difference but it can work, just see how things progress and make some amazing memories with a hot young guy Grin.

curiouslypacific · 30/09/2021 09:45

Nothing wrong with that age gap, as you're both adults. As PP says, making sure you're on the same page would be sensible too.

I would also say, as someone who left an abusive ltr, just be a bit careful with stepping back into dating. My boundaries were all over the place due to the previous abuse and I nearly ended up in another toxic situation.

Have some clear dealbreakers in your head and walk if he even gives a hint of having a temper/addiction issues/contol issues etc. You absolutely can have a wonderful healthy relationship after an abusive one (if you want to!) but you do need to rigourously enforce those boundaries and dealbreakers until it becomes second nature. It's very easy to find yourself putting up with some level of shit, just because it's not as shit as the previous shit IYSWIM.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 30/09/2021 09:49

The fun aspect will definitely work.

I wouldn't be looking to make it long term though. If he was 30 then maybe, but definitely not at 25.

Treat this as a well deserved fling after an awful time.

MarrymeTomHardy · 30/09/2021 10:26

Thankyou, really good advice.
I have been having counselling for self-esteem & co-dependency to help me enforce healthy boundaries in the future.
Well done to you for leaving and moving on x

OP posts:
MarrymeTomHardy · 30/09/2021 10:27

Thankyou; that is how I am approaching it & have been open and honest with him about my situation...

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 10:48

I think this is about the individual. Honestly for me it gives me the ick the thought of shagging someone young enough to be my child, but plenty of men and women do it. Everyone’s ick threshold is different.

Aqua55 · 30/09/2021 11:07

Sounds creepy and weird as fuck tbh

LittleGwyneth · 30/09/2021 12:01

It's not morally wrong, and if you're feeling it, I don't see why not. For me I think the age gap would probably be too big long term - I think anything over ten years starts to feel a bit much. But if you could certainly enjoy some time together before you had to thing about all the big heavy choices, and it sounds like you really deserve some enjoyment.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 12:10

That’s the thing, society frowns on it, men with women young enough to be their child and in their early to mid twenties, and everyone thinks is a saddo sexual predator and the woman is after his money or has daddy issues. When women do it, they are perceived as some sad cougar trying to reclaim their youth, and the bloke has some weird fetish for older women. Very few people look at it positively.

It’s different if either party is thirties or older, then the age gap becomes less relevant, but when it’s someone in their early to mid twenties it’s seldom seen as something decent when the partner could be their mum.

There is also how do you fit into each other social circle, friends and family and the inevitable is that your son comments.

The fact you’re asking on here indicates what others think might be relevant to you and that possibly your social or work circle isn’t known for older people shagging young folks.

Also as you’ve been in a bad relationship are you sure you can have sex and not fall in love or want more? Becayse the over whelming odds are this lad will say what it takes to get laid, maybe a few times then move on to someone more his age.

If you’re comfortable with th fact the majority of people will judge, and the fact he will move on, then go for it, if either of these things could pose a problem to you then hesitate to go there.

SirenSays · 30/09/2021 14:30

I say do whatever makes you happy OP, I've dated younger and it's never been an issue.

annacondom · 30/09/2021 14:36

He's not a child. If you both want to, why not? It may not last forever, but that would be true if he was the same age as you. I went out, briefly, with... well let's just say that while it lasted it was the best sex I've ever had! Wink

Myfilterisbroken · 30/09/2021 14:37

Ewww

MarrymeTomHardy · 30/09/2021 15:19

You make some good points.
I guess I am concerned about what people think to an extent. Social circle not so bad, my best friend is 40 and has been with a 25yr old happily for 6 months; another friend is 40 & has been with a 28yr old for 5 years happily & they even have a child together.
I have asked a few people casually & they all reckon go for it but with eyes wide open as to being a shorter term thing...

OP posts:
MarrymeTomHardy · 30/09/2021 15:20

Thankyou - here's hoping! Grin

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 16:30

I think if your mates are all at it then why not join the crowd. Very odd. I don’t know any woman shagging someone with thay age difference, guess it’s our social circles

I don’t understand the whole it’s the best sex, most of us have snagged someone in their twenties , as we were also that age and age is no indicator in my experience of a skilled lover. Otherwise we would all have been having the best sex of our lives in our twenties.

Anyway good luck op, you and your mates can all go out together with your young boyfriends.

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 30/09/2021 16:34

I would do it. If you are coming out of a long horrible relationship and you have 5 minutes a few hours fun with him then go for it!
Seize the day and be happy.

MarrymeTomHardy · 30/09/2021 16:43

Bluntness100
I do agree it's odd/unusual - these friends dont know eachother, all completely seperate...I have doubts but then thought why dismiss him due to age - i'm not looking for a husband so may as well enjoy it...

OP posts:
BakingOfTheFoodCats · 30/09/2021 17:31

I’m 32 and wouldn’t date a 25 year old but each to their own

SirChenjins · 30/09/2021 17:37

That’s a year older than my DS so no, I couldn’t - they’re far too young and daft, as you tend to be at that age. None of his crowd are dating anyone outside of their decade which is pretty normal I think. You’re at very different stages of your lives and the chances are that will eventually show, but you’re both adults and if you’re just looking for some fun then why not, I suppose. Wouldn’t do it for me though.

Fluffypastelslippers · 30/09/2021 17:38

If you have seen any of my previous threads you'll know I ended an abusive 15 year relationship at the beginning of the year.

I am going to say this makes you vulnerable and also not the best judge here. I can't work out why someone your age would be interested in a 25 year old and vice versa. I'm in my 40s and DD is in her 20s - it would be like dating one of her friends Sad

VeganVeal · 30/09/2021 17:59

I'd say he is definitely after the MILF experience

If you're happy with that give it a go

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