I will not allow BIL to see my kids. AIBU? (long)

[AnneMayesR]

I had some good advice regarding the situation with BIL in the past in here so I thought I would ask again.

My Dh's younger brother is a twit to say the least. He is much younger than my DH and acts the baby at age 24. My DH always defends him and coddles him basically.

My BIL hardly works...he sponged off my MIL and treated her like crap when she was dying. After she passed BIL moved in with us despite the fact that I told DH NO WAY.

He treated my house like shit, treated my kids like shit, told my kids that I am a crap mother and to ignore me. He brought weird people in the house all the time and my little ones are little. He refused to move out when I demanded he follow the roles and help out or leave. There was a lot more. The man has no respect for women and is very selfish, immature and ignorant.

My DH didn't back me up at all and sided with BIL. He basically just stayed silent. Then BIL's gf decided to move in as well and they constantly made a mess...treated me like crap etc etc and refused to leave. DH did nothing and told me to deal with it, that I am paranoid etc etc. I was working a lot and have young kids and they would bitch about the house not being clean enough because I am so crap meanwhile they all sat on their arses on the playstation.

DH and I ended up seeing divorce lawyers and then DH realised his bro was a twat and I was finally able to kick the little monster out...crying because he was going to have to get a job and pay rent. LOL. I enjoyed throwing him and his crap out after 18 months of HELL in my own house. The little creep decided to make a false report about me as a mother to social services. They saw right away that there was nothing wrong and that BIL made the call to be vindictive. Due to the nature of my job my colleagues know what happened and that I was reported to SS. How nice.

DH and I have WORKED HARD to put the past behind us and patch
things up believe it or not and DH has also shown a lot of remorse for what happened. I have refused to let BIL anywhere near my kids or my house. We now have nothing to do with him. But DH still speaks to him once in a blue moon.

Then last night DH decided to tell me that I am a vindictive cow for not letting BIL see the kids or come to the house...especially with christmas coming up. WTF?

I told DH that I think BIL is a bad influence and that I have a right to control whom my kids see. DH says that since we are BIL's only family and he is ours I should let it go. But I am still so pissed off at both of them!!

If your dh is so desperate for your children to see his brother but you do not want to have him in your house (And I think you have every right to say that based on past experience) can't he meet him somewhere neutral for a meal or something. Then you don't have to be there.

It sounds as if you and your dh have very different memories of what actually went on in your house.

They say blood is thicker than water, and maybe your dh is a very forgiving type but if you really don't want bil to see your kids you will have to tell him exactly why not.

Arrange to meet up somewhere public, not your own turf, so you can get up and leave if he starts being horrible, so that you don't feel he is invading/polluting/ruining your space and atmosphere, good excuse is so that you can all relax without having to do the cooking etc. Or just stand your ground and say no, you don't need to meet him. Thank goodness he's no longer a major burden in your life.

I guess suggestions of neutral territory would only be a good idea if you object more to the idea of him being in your house rather than seeing your children per se.

If I was you I'd feel exactly the same. The mess, noise and taking the piss can, to an extent, be brushed under the carpet for the sake of family relations if that had been the ONLY problem ..... but badmouthing you to your own children, and making false allegations to SS are another ball game altogether. Surely DH can't have forgotten that.

I wouldn't want the little shit anywhere near my children - ever. What for ? ...... he certainly didn't have their best interests at heart did he, the scumbag could have had them end up in care .... which, presumably, he can not have been unaware of when he decided to make that report.

I would never "let go" of something which had been deliberately done with the intention of breaking up my family.

If DH wants to play happy families with him, let them meet up together, without you and without the kids. And if he (DH) has a problem with that I'd be reminding him that in the family heirachy his wife and children should take priority over his brother. Who's more important to him ?

Is DH gearing up to invite him for Xmas do you think ?

Oh my gosh I hope not. I do not want him near my kids for the exact reasons you stated.

What if the social workers did not know me personally and believed the stuff that BIL and GF were saying about me? According to the two of them I leave the baby in the bath unattended, neglect them and all sorts. Funnily enough I had see lots of social workers at work and was complaining to her about BIL and his antics about a month before BIL reported me. LOL. She still had to come out and talk to me though.

That was the thing that really really pissed off DH and snapped him out of his pro BIL stuper. He didn't care that they treated me and my house like crap...it was the fake call to SS with all the lies. But he seems to think that I should put it behind me etc. Tells me that I am hurting the kids but not letting them see their Uncle. My dh is a weird person sometimes. I told DH he can see him if he wants but the kids cannot. NOT EVER.

Thanks for your replies everyone.

you are right to stick to your guns. if e is a liar you cannot trust him, and they would be better off meeting any old stranger than a "relative" with a wierd history and vengeful feelings against you. Your DH just has to accept his brother is a bully.

Gosh, I remember your original thread and had often wondered what happened. I'm glad you were able to get rid of the little toerag.

You need to sort a few things out with your husband - you are obviously still very angry with him (quite justifiably) and it sounds as though this has not been resolved. You need to make him understand how badly his behaviour made you feel, and he needs to apologise properly. If he really understood how awful the experience was for you, he would not call you 'vindictive'.

But, to look at it from another angle, his brother is his only remaining relative from his birth family. It might not be possible for your DH to cut off all contact with him.

If you can resolve some of your issues with your husband, you might feel less angry about the idea of your BIL occasionally seeing your children? Of course, you could make it clear that he is seeing them strictly on sufferance, and if you get the impression that he behaves badly in any way when he sees them, you'd then have a perfect reason to tell DH that enough is enough.

I think your husband is being bloody cheeky even to raise the matter.

You are not being unreasonable at all. BIL was a shit, he could have broken up your family completely (SS do make mistakes, and it is entirely possible that you could have been one of them), BIL has no "rights" of any sort.

If your husband is pushing the matter I would really wonder if he'd grasped the seriousness of what happened last time. He should still be grovelling with gratitude that you stayed married to him in the face of such a complete lack of support.

Tell DH he can go and see his brother out of the house but BIL will never again see your children or you, and you don't even want the poisonous fcker mentioned in the house. Let's not forget he tried to have your children taken away from you*.

I can't belive your DH spoke to you like that, especially after what happened. Did you tell him that he was completely out of order?

I agree that you're totally right not to have him in your house after what he's done with the social services thing.

I think your dh is an adult and if he wants to see his brother, he can go visit.

If he complains about the kids not seeing him, I would remind him very clearly that his brother's actions COULD have resulted in his kids being taken away! OK, it was highly unlikely and didn't happen, but mistakes have happened before with this sort of thing and your family should not have had to go through a SS assessment.

As the years go on though I think you need to be prepared to re-think, to allow your BIL to mature and change; It could happen! I think kids deserve a relationship with their uncle IF the uncle is worthy of it.

I'm afraid i could never forgve and make any ammends with BIL, what a complete shit. has he shown any remorse? he's got a GF he can spend xmas. tell your DH if he wants to see BIL then he can but to leave you and the kids out of it.

Thank you for all of your replies. I am glad that I am not totally out of line. I dont think that the kids have anything to gain by seeing BIL because he is a bad influence. I guess a small part of me hopes he suffers.

I am kind of shocked at DH though.

Idiot man-how dare he expect you to allow his twatface brother access to your children.
Is pigslop bil trying to accumulate more 'evidence' because he might still be bitter?
I have monkeyfreak in laws myself-can you tell? lol
My dss (21) called me fat to my face (no build up or anything )just the other day whilst living in MY house (looking for another)and then in the same breath asked his dad for the leather sofa for his new pad.
Yesterday I gave the sofa to his sister, my dsd
Thats nothing at all compared to what your squatdick bil did and Im still bitter although he has done worse things,thats just the last time I saw him.
Don't allow your kids near this utter moron fgs.He has made me feel pissed off just reading your op.
I do not need anger management and am normally quite sane

say that you will meet him elsewhere for lunch or something .. a public place

reinforce to DH that this man sponged off you, disrespected you and reported you to SS and that it will take his brother a long long time to make up for it .. calling you selfish is not the way .. he should be apologising and begging your forgiveness

this is your DH's only sibling I guess ... he is important to your DH and will always have a part of your lives

it would be best if you could allow him to make up for being such a twat I think

but slowly ... at your speed and to your rules making clear that the slightest provocation and the process will stop and you will not have anythign more to do with him

if it wasnt for the whole reporting you to social services thing then, maybe, just maybe you could have got over it in time and got some sort of relationship going with him again. but he crossed the line reporting you, not forgetting he must have also implicated you husband at the same time. that is just unforgivable.

OMG at BIL reporting you to social services . That is a disgracefully vindictive act that could have had life destroying consequences. I'm afraid I would never speak to him again after that. If DH wanted to meet up with him away from the house, then I could deal with that. SS in this country have taken many kids away from happy homes, everyone knows that these mistakes are made and he was playing with fire.

I would be sitting down with my DH and having a chat about what BiL did and the seriousness of it all, and that if BIL EVER wants to have any part of the family again, he needs to realise what he did was wrong and be made to apologise. No way would I let him anywhere near until that had happened.

I would not want anyone around my kids who badmouthed me to them, whoever they were.

This would all be a dealbreaker for me!

And in what way, exactly, are your kids being hurt by not seeing an uncle who treated them, and you, like s* when he lived with you? Hardly a good role model. If dh wants to maintain links himself then fine (sort of, although I think I'd prefer him to show solidarity with you and kick bro into touch for good), but he can hardly expect you to go along. Or the kids, for that matter. Stick to your guns on this one. YANBU!!!

To be honest, I am amazed you are still married to a man that let his brother and her girlfriend walk all over you and put you through such crap, and is now calling you a vindictice cow for actually protecting your home and your family.

If this comes up now, I would see a divorce lawyer again if I were you, or go to councelling about this together.

I would stick to my guns and NOT see BIL, and I would wonder why husband and brother suddenly now are so desperate for contact with the kids.... What is going on suddenly? Why see the kids?

i am amazed your husband is willing to let his brother anywhere near the family after he made a false accusation to social services about you and brought you to the brink of divorce.

BIL needs to learn his actions have consequences.

In your position I would be reminding your dh that it is lucky that you and him are still able to see your own children because the actions your knob of a bil took you could have lost them completely.

I would at the very very least expect a letter or apology but I dont think that would make me change my mind or attitude

He definitely wouldn't be coming anywhere near my kids and my hubby would be on very thin ice too.

can i ask how you knew it was him that reported you?

He threatened to do it if I kicked him and out put all of his belongings out. I did just that and not long after got a phone call. Dh confronted him and he never denied it.

YANBU. He tried to break up your family!! Remind your DH of that next time he accuses you of being vindictive!