To feel ashamed of my mental health issues

[Winecurestiredness]

Is it a bad/shameful thing for someone to openly admit that they have depression, PTSD or OCD or anxiety? I have all 4 and I've noticed a bit of a pattern in my life where, as soon as i confide in people I have MH issues they aren't interested in being my friend or talking to me much. I keep thinking being open and honest will help friendships, but all it seems to do is push people away. It is sad because sometimes I can see a literal barrier between me and the 'healthy' mums laughing and joking, and me, with my flashbacks, sadness and compulsions. Sometimes I feel like I'm just an observer outside of myself, watching everyone else having a fantastic time of life?

It even happened with a male, childless friend some weeks ago. He knows I have OCD. I was worried about him so said to him that he matters, there's help out there and that I care about him. He accused me of being obsessive. And he swiftly blocked me. I doubt he would have done that with someone who did not have MH issues.

It’s not bad to admit this but there is such a thing as over- sharing. I would only talk about mental health issues on a need to know basis .

It's not bad but have you tried changing things? These guys are great x

www.thecalmzone.net/

Imo it's very healthy to care more about yourself than anyone else. It's not selfish, it's healthy 💐

I'm not sure why I over share. I think its because I don't know how to form relationships with people. I just sort of wing it and hope no one will dislike me

I have to be honest, after being in a relationship with someone with MH issues I would probably steer clear, it can be very draining for those close to you, my sister also had a friend with a Mental illness And she found it very hard, they were friends as she known her since school but if it was a new friend she probably would have backed off. I think people need to realise that it is hard for those around you.

OK. Thankyou for being honest. I often just keep myself to myself for this reason.. I don't want to burden people, and often I feel like it's better that I'm alone and I actually do like being alone. I like being around my kids and husband but that's about it really..

It's not a bad thing but I'd save it for when you know people better, the same as any other health issues - I wouldn't immediately tell an acquaintance about my IBS and chronic illnesses IYSWIM?

I almost wonder if subconsciously you're ensuring a separation between you and others for safety by mentioning these issues.

I have PTSD and C-PTSD so I totally get it - it's also a question of HOW we approach and discuss these things, so it's not coming across in an overwhelming or too-intimate way.

Good luck x

I will take a look at the link, thankyou. The mental health services in my area sadly are very unresponsive. I haven't bothered for a year now, but i doubt it will have changed much. Waiting lists and all that. I am on antidepressants, though..

I think friendships start with shared interests, activities not with "difficulties". I think if you ask someone you have only recently met to support you you are possibly asking too much of them.
I wonder whether in fact lots of parents are only just about keeping their heads above water and unless there is something positive you can do to support THEM (ie it's a contract of sorts - friendships) cheer them up kindness, interest in their lives they are unlikely to be involved.
Offering advice to people who are in a bad way like your childless friend might be the last straw and be seen as interference or egotistical - again maybe he just wants you to listen and be supportive in a general way not tell him "what to do".
I've suffered depression and anxiety, most mums have, but it's shared troubles and listening laughter interests that builds friendship not declarations of diagnoses

I don’t mean it to be harsh, the friend was very hard to deal with she would stop talking to my sister for no reason, use to cut her wrists and call my sister in the middle of the night, booked a holiday with her and dropped out because she said she was too scared to go as she can walk on water and left my sister to either go alone or find someone else to go etc, as for my ex he use to accuse me daily of being sent into his life by the government. Im just saying if people have been through this kind of thing and had to deal with people with mental illnesses it will probably make them wary of getting involved. It’s not personal.

I don't think it is bad or shameful to admit you have them, but I do think there is an appropriate time to do so... maybe if you are struggling at that time, or want to explain your absence/behaviour.
Most of my friends have MH issues (we met as service users in various charities or hospital), and if I did not know already know about their various diagnoses, I would never have known until they were poorly.

Your ex male friend sounds like a bit of a twat tbh.... his behaviour was entirely down to him, not you.

Don't frame yourself as someone unable to form relationships with other mums; start small, expect little, be kind to yourself value yourself...what are you good at? You sound self reliant, for a start that is something to be proud of, you love your child and DH. If you have any interests...books, films, nature, DIY , politics, placesbe proud of that too..someone is interested in those things too and will be delighted to meet someone like you who has those life values. Could you volunteer with the PTA... just a small role...remind yourself that you are a valuable member of the school community..or anything really which is small and practical and not a big "trying to work out what others want".
Or a hobby?

I have always struggled with making new friends for this very reason. I wanted everyone’s approval and was a massive over-sharer. I almost felt I had to tell people about my MH issues as to not do so would be dishonest. I felt like I was keeping secrets. It was actually my Dad who told me that not everyone deserves an explanation and that there is a difference between secrecy and privacy. I also read something by the author Brene Brown who said that you shouldn’t attempt to hot-wire social connections by over sharing. Not everyone deserves to hear your story.

I think its when I get paranoid about what others think. I grew up being bullied for being 'too quiet' and I always feel like I need to justify not being loud and outgoing or else others treat me like im weird. If I say, oh I don't talk much because I have social anxiety, I guess that helps me to feel reassured that they know that they don't need to be scared of me, I'm just not that great at being funny or talkative?

I'm doing an access course that has a psychology lesson and the tutor asked, as she was discussing schizophrenia, do any of you in here have OCD?...and of course like an idiot I raised my hand...which was probably social suicide I guess. Especially as she then went on to talk about how OCD and schizophrenia are interlinked

Otherwise, I don't tend to discuss it...but at psychology lectures in college, I do feel pretty vulnerable

To put it bluntly... fuck what people think. It's part of you, don't be ashamed or embarrassed ever👌🏻👌🏻

@Winecurestiredness

I'm doing an access course that has a psychology lesson and the tutor asked, as she was discussing schizophrenia, do any of you in here have OCD?...and of course like an idiot I raised my hand...which was probably social suicide I guess. Especially as she then went on to talk about how OCD and schizophrenia are interlinked

That is not idiotic at all. If anything, it was inappropriate of the tutor to pose such a question to the class.

FWIW OP I think OCD is fairly common. Don't blame yourself for putting your hand up, you probably just did it automatically. Being honest is no bad thing.

One of my friends recently confided in me about having PTSD and it didn't change how I feel about her at all.

Yeah maybe when people think 'mental health issues' they think of personality disorders. That's very different. My god son's mother has borderline personality disorder and seeing her decline was heartbreaking. My godson went into care. So yes I do understand when it gets to the point that you need to cut a mentally unstable person out of your life, because actually I had to cut my god son's mother out of my life while I was pregnant for my own son's sake, and it was heartbreaking, but I needed a life of my own. I am used to having quite controlling friends, because I'm completely the opposite im very passive and quiet. I guess when people aren't like this with me, it makes me think, oh no maybe they don't like me? But of course that's bollocks

Over sharing is a symptom of CPTSD, and it's hard to control, it's usually not an active choice that is made. I go from denying I have any mental health issues to wanting to tell the whole world what happened to me. I easily lose all perspective of what is appropriate to say to people I barely know. I feel like I'm continuing to live a lie otherwise. I think it stems from having to keep the secrets of being sexually and physically abused as a child over many years. Now as an adult there's nothing to stop me saying it, and so I do.

My best friend of 20 years has bipolar. I've never had any MH problems.

When we first met, I was wary when she told me. I had enough things going on in my life that I was worried about her relying on me. But I liked her enormously and so worked out where I thought my boundaries should be and decided to pursue the friendship.

Never, ever regretted it. Yes, there have been times when her illness has weighed heavily on me (like the time I had to get her sectioned) but actually I'd say I'm the one who gets the best 'value' out of the relationship. Her support of me has been invaluable and something I cannot put a price on. So she has MH issues. So what! She's a person with a personality independent of that. One I'm delighted to have in my life. No way would I want her to feel ashamed and you shouldn't feel that way either OP.

The key here is boundaries. They've worked well for us. What might help you if you find yourself sharing or oversharing is to follow it up by saying that you have your support network/coping strategies and might over share occasionally but you're not looking for a carer and it's ok for people to tell you to stop. As long as you mean it, it shouldn't be a barrier to friendship (and if it is, probably says more about where they're at than you).

With your male friend, what were you actually worried about? With him saying you are obsessive, do you often turn conversations to mental health or diagnose your friends? Because if so, I can see why he is fed up.

I have also struggled with serious OCD, depression, and anxiety in the past, but have got it under control recently.

Althought I see the "let's normalise talking about mental health!" posts, I strongly disagree with them. While I can understand that asking for help should be encouraged, I feel that in the UK, there is nobody to ask for help FROM. The mental health services are shocking. The last time I asked for help, from a doctor, when my life was literally at risk, I was given a leaflet for a charity that offers some free courses. There was nothing else to offer. A friend of mine hanged herself last year but was found in time and recovered. She was sent away from hospital as soon as she was physically recovered, despite begging to be sectioned to get home desperately needed help.

Anyway. My point is. We can be open about our mental health issues with our friends but to be honest, what can they do? If there are no official services to help us? We are just heaping a huge portion of stress and worry onto them, when they are physically unable to help.

I have been both the sufferer of mental health issues, as well as the friend of a sufferer. To be the friend of a sufferer almost cost me my own mental health, as supporting them caused my an enormous amount of pain and stress and exhaustion. I strongly believe that normal people just can't live their own lives and also suppoet people with mental health issues.

If you open up to someone, they might want to keep their distance a bit because having someone heaping their mental health issues onto you is really tough. I also found that, for me, opening up to people about my mental health issues didn't help me either. Once they were out in the open, I lost rue ability to even pretend things were fine, or try to make them fine. As it was all out in the open, I had nothing to hide and let them consume me. I feel that, for me anyway, opening up too much made me lose the desire to fight.

I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say here, except that, as a sufferer of serious conditions like your own, and also as the friend of sufferers of serious conditions of uour own, I dont think that opening up is always a good thing, despite that the memes are saying.

Until we have the decent mental health resources in the UK that are DESPERATELY needed, opening up about mental health is futile. I'd say just keep fighting. Sometimes acting like everything okay can be better for your mental health than admitting everything is not okay and giving in to it. It can be one more reason to fight.

I hope this doesn't sound insensitive. I'm finding it really tough to articulate what I'm trying to say!

No. The male friend...he is my ex boyfriend from 10 years ago. Its complicated, but he comes across as jealous of my marriage and was saying things like 'your husband can do one' so I lost all respect for him. He sulked. And that was his response to me being caring without giving him something he wants. Probably not an example of a 'real' friendship, sorry, but I do tend to have warmer responses friendship wise from men. I'm slim, young, blonde, meet a bit of a stereotype I guess