Is This My Only Option?

[Lokidile]

Feeling utterly defeated by life right now. Four years ago I left my abusive XP with practically nothing except my children - moved into my parents house temporarily. DF was helping me to explore my housing options (was looking to support me in securing my own house) when he died suddenly. DB and DSis both did as little as possible in terms of the aftermath and also supporting DM who has disabilities- it all pretty much fell to me. DM decided she wanted to move house - and the expectation was automatically that I would deal with everything (DF was a hoarder and the house needed a lot of work to become saleable) It took months of hard work and stress. DM chose a new house which also needs a lot of work, and the expectation seems to be that I will do it all, then live with DM from now on. I feel totally stuck. Because I live with her at the moment, I’m investing a lot of money into the repairs and renovation of the new property and can’t manage to save for my own place as well. DM speaks as if she expects me to be here to look after her until she has to go into care or is no longer with us, but that was never my intention. Am I doomed to stay here forever? DM has no other family locally, no friends. DB lives 3 hours away and can barely manage a phone call. Dsis visits for lunch once a week. I feel totally alone in this - but am I selfish for feeling jealous that my siblings get to live whatever life they choose, when I don’t?

OP, you moved in because you needed them at the time. It works both ways. If you are spending your own money on renovating, the make sure you assets are protected and you get a larger share of inheritance in the future than your siblings.

OP... sorry, but you moved in with them when you needed them. Now your DM needs you, so you should return the favour.
That doesn’t mean you have to feel trapped forever. Maybe you need to look into carers for DM, or insist on DB visiting every few weekends to give you time away from caring responsibilities, and get DS to take on some specific caring duties (eg one evening a week to give you a break).

You need to discuss the financial aspects with DM and your siblings, and should keep receipts of ££ you’ve spend on repairs etc, and a note of what work you’ve done to the house, set against the rent you’d ordinarily pay.

Imagine if they'd said "no sorry we want to live our lives however we want" and refused to let you move into their house. They were there for you when you were having a difficult time. I would want to support my DM in this situation.

Op I would suggest you get this moved over to the elderly parents board. You will get much more support and understanding.

I would be careful what money you are sinking into the new house. If your mother cannot afford to pay pay it then the bill perhaps should be split between you and your siblings or you should agree with them - and get sorted legally assuming you mum still has capacity - a protected part of the future asset. The danger is that you are sinking all this money into her house and unless you are on the deeds then it will need to be sold to pay for her care. I would saynto your mother and your siblings that you are no longer prepared to pay anything towards the renovation of the house and would like to recoup what you have invested unless they are prepared to protect you legally from it being taken for care fees leaving you homeless.