What to do

[applemela]

I have just gone back to work but started a new job. It's not what I expected. I really dislike it. I earn a lot though. Almost 200k per annum. My husband 50. I never earned this much before, it was an unexpected job that I got. We aren't living in the U.K. now and since we moved here a month ago, so many things have been a real struggle. It's breaking me leaving my 9 month old every day. I didn't have a baby for someone else to look after him. I miss him. The only upside I can see of him going to nursery here is that I'm hopeful he will learn some of the language. But I'm working long hours some days, and don't see him much.
Part of me says this is life. I need to suck it up and part of me says that no money is worth this heartbreak I feel when I'm not with him.

Does it get easier leaving them? Should I do this short term and then find a job with a bit more balance? What works for you?

Anyone? 😢

It's different for everyone, but I always felt/thought the same as you. I didn't have children for someone else to raise. I wanted to be the centre from which they learnt about the world, I wanted to witness all their firsts etc. You don't get these early years back, so if you don't need that income and don't like the job, don't do it. You're allowed to quit.

Wouldn't it make more sense for the father to quit his job

That's a lot of money to walk away from isn't it. How does DH feel?

I'd start looking for more suitable work but stick the job for as long as I can.

@applemela

I have just gone back to work but started a new job. It's not what I expected. I really dislike it. I earn a lot though. Almost 200k per annum. My husband 50. I never earned this much before, it was an unexpected job that I got. We aren't living in the U.K. now and since we moved here a month ago, so many things have been a real struggle. It's breaking me leaving my 9 month old every day. I didn't have a baby for someone else to look after him. I miss him. The only upside I can see of him going to nursery here is that I'm hopeful he will learn some of the language. But I'm working long hours some days, and don't see him much. Part of me says this is life. I need to suck it up and part of me says that no money is worth this heartbreak I feel when I'm not with him.

Does it get easier leaving them? Should I do this short term and then find a job with a bit more balance? What works for you?

You have more options that most people on MN. Plenty of people go through those feelings and they have no choice but to work. With your warning power, you could save every penny you can for a predetermined period, then afford to take extended time off with your child.

Frankly, if you can command 200K, do you not have savings from previous roles so you could take the time off now?

I happily returned to work after 12 months though I could have afforded to stop. I was very happy with the nursery that was part of my child’s care. I personally didn’t want that at 9 months, and could afford not to.

Sounds like you could also afford not to. If this 200K was a once in a lifetime opportunity and you usually would get 20K then I’d say stick it out. But presumably it isn’t?

Does your visa status depend on you working?

How long have you been doing this new job? I ask because (and I'm an ex teacher, which is all I ever wanted to be) I had that 'I really don't like this' feeling a couple of times when I changed schools - and I didn't have the massive issue of leaving a small baby every day!

Give it time - you need to adapt, to settle, to work this out.

By "a couple of times" in my post (above) I meant a couple of job changes - it went on for at least a term each time!

Don’t forget you have other options too.
This job isn’t what you though it would be, you don’t like it, and you don’t want to work long hours.
So changing job is also a good option.

It got easier for me. The first months leaving them in childcare are the hardest.

Thank you. It's a lot to walk away from. We moved here for this job. It's tax free too which doesn't help 🤣 I was made redundant before getting pregnant and with covid and pregnancy, I haven't worked since December 2019. It's been lovey, but I do enjoy working too. Just not this job at the moment.

My husband says it's early days. I need to give the job a chance. I'm 3 weeks in and have been unlucky with some things that have happened. And relocating to a new country has not been a smooth process either, so I'm feeling all over the place emotionally. I cry daily and apologise to my husband for uprooting our lives. He is very pragmatic and supportive, and thinks that things will get easier when we have more of a routine, and when we are settled.

I really thought I wanted to go back to work. I had no idea I would feel like this.

Stick at it OP. give it at least 6 months and see how you settle in. £20k or £200k, it's hard going back to work after having a baby.

Best of luck.

It's only been a month, so don't make any decisions yet. You presumably knew you'd be working long hours in a demanding job (no other way to get that salary!) and you went for it for a reason.

Give yourselves time to settle into the new way.

What can you do to make things easier - do you have a lot of control over your own diary? I'm nowhere near your salary level and presumably nowhere near your hours, but my job is very flexible so I work around pick up and drop off, as does DH, and then pick up again in the evening. A friend also does early mornings on top.

Obviously you need to outsource as much of the drudge as possible - cleaning, cooking, laundry etc.

Your DH should be doing at least half as well, and probably more if you want to prioritise your earnings.

"Frankly, if you can command 200K, do you not have savings from previous roles so you could take the time off now?"

We do have savings. It's difficult to do a U turn on this after relocating and uprooting everything. Husband secured a job here after I did and we decided to go for it. I thought it was what I wanted.

"Does your visa status depend on you working?"

Yes it does, although now that my husband is working, I could be a dependent on his.

It actually is more of a "once in a lifetime" opportunity, and I will go back to a more normal salary when I move on from this job. Normal being similar to my husband's.

"What can you do to make things easier - do you have a lot of control over your own diary?"

Not really. But some days I work long hours and other very short hours. Those days I haven't taken my son to nursery.

"Your DH should be doing at least half as well, and probably more if you want to prioritise your earnings."

He does 95% at the moment as well as a full time job. We will get some help, but haven't managed to sort it out yet.

OP, I don't want to be unkind but it can't come as a surprise that a job earning that salary comes with long hours and high demand.

Is it the money or the role that attracted you to it most?

Yes it does become easier to adjust to leaving your baby at nursery as long as you are able to make the time up in the evenings before bed and weekends.

How many days holiday do you get?

"OP, I don't want to be unkind but it can't come as a surprise that a job earning that salary comes with long hours and high demand.

Is it the money or the role that attracted you to it most?

Yes it does become easier to adjust to leaving your baby at nursery as long as you are able to make the time up in the evenings before bed and weekends.

How many days holiday do you get?"

Definitely not a surprise, I expected the intensity and long hours, and was ready for it. Or so I thought. I didn't think I would feel like this though. I thought I was really ready to work again.

It's both that attracted me. But the job now isn't exactly as advertised, which is an issue. I can't do much about it now, but it means I don't (currently) like the role. If I was doing the advertised role, there would be more enjoyment.

I work afternoons and evenings so am spending some of the mornings with my son. Holiday is 40 days per year.

Hi OP - you have good holidays so is it possible for you to WH regularly take a day /morning off to spend with your son?

It’s early days but if you can’t settle this might not be the job for you: however, as you are earning 200k now, this is your ‘value’ in the marketplace

I think you can look for another job if you want & if need be not mention this one later /turn it into a contract

It sounds like a lot of emotional stuff is happening to you (new baby, new home, new job) and it might be making you feel a bit worse than you'd normally feel.
You say it's a once in a lifetime and short term role. How short is short term? Could you stick it out for that and save a decent amount of savings from it?

Yes, feeling very emotional with everything at the moment. Job is minimum 1 year, could be extended.

It's a very privileged problem to have, but I am feeling overwhelmed and stuck. The money is the only incentive now, whereas before I enjoyed my job.

@applemela

Yes, feeling very emotional with everything at the moment. Job is minimum 1 year, could be extended.

It's a very privileged problem to have, but I am feeling overwhelmed and stuck. The money is the only incentive now, whereas before I enjoyed my job.

Oh god if it's only a year long contract with 40 days holiday and (presumably) 5 days a week I'd stick it out for a guaranteed £200k!

Maybe give yourself, say, 6 months . Look at it in your head as being fixed term with the option to extend . In that 6 months you will have earned more than double your normal salary so possibly be able to take a bit of time out if you want to.

I think it does get easier Lea Kung your baby, although I never worked the long hours you are doing . You do have mornings at home so that's a bonus.

No clue who or what Lea Kung is. I meant 'leaving your baby'.