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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move to London from a small seaside town?

49 replies

whywomenkill · 26/09/2021 22:42

I'm 39 and a midwife, my daughter has just left to start university in the nearest city, she is 18 and staying in the halls. I have always wanted to move to London, having my daughter young meant that wasn't plausible.

I'm now home alone and have a very close friend who lives in the centre of London, he is always suggesting I move Down and I feel like now is the perfect opportunity. However, my daughter scoffs at the idea and sees it as me 'abandoning' her, we generally have a very close and open relationship.

This is something I really want to do. I would rent out my house, I like in a lovely seaside town. I would then rent a flat in London and trial it for a year and see how I was feeling after that.

The only thing holding me back is my daughter's feelings surrounding it. I know I could get a job there no problem and could live quite comfortably. I am also single and I think London would be a great opportunity to meet more people, mainly men and widen my horizons.

Is this selfish and abandoning my daughter if I do so?

OP posts:

Chicchicchicchiclana · 28/09/2021 14:08

There's no suggestion the OP's daughter is being bratty or "dictating what OP should do". Is there?

lllllllllll · 28/09/2021 14:14

London's only fun if you have lots of money - I wouldn't bother.

This is rubbish - there's loads of free or very cheap stuff to do in London.

I say go for it OP - I live in London and it's a wonderful place to be.

GoWalkabout · 28/09/2021 14:17

She is staying in halls, she doesn't have a permanent place to stay, so yes, you would be abandoning or moving her. I would delay. Personally by three years, but at least by one or two. All those other kids in halls will have stable homes to fall back on. Its nearly time, but not quite.

barbedwired · 28/09/2021 14:18

I came out to the fringes of London and now want back in

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 28/09/2021 14:28

@Cheesepuff1

Once your daughter has settled into uni she won't care, or will enjoy having somewhere to stay and visit in London . as long as you're only renting out your house I say try it! it's definitely the best place to be single.

Got to disagree with this. I only looked at university's that weren't too far from home, so that I could still go back and see my mum (who was also a single parent) often. She'd sold up and moved to the other end of the country before I'd finished my first term.

I did feel abandoned. I couldn't go home and see my friends in the holidays, as I had nowhere to stay. My choices were to either stay at university, which cost money I didn't have, or sleep on the sofa in mum's one bedroom flat in a strange town where I knew no one.

I ended up severely depressed, and got into a relationship with an unemployed man who dragged me down and got me into drugs, out of desperation to have some stability in my life (he offered commitment and a flat, at least). I ended up dropping out of uni in my second year. I'd run up a lot of debt trying to survive independently as well.

Eventually I got better, dumped the bloke and got my life back on track, but it took years. I still wonder if things would have been different if mum could've stayed put, just for those 3 years. She's admitted she feels hugely guilty for that, and regards her actions as very selfish.

So I'm not saying don't do it, that's got to be up to you. But don't kid yourself that your DD doesn't need you anymore, because it sounds like she definitely does.

ILoveJamaica · 28/09/2021 14:29

I've lived in London, and I'm in a seaside town now. There's no way I'd move back to London! It's dirty and property is SO over priced. I have a large 5 bed home with a sea view here...in London I would only afford a 1 bed flat in an unsafe area. Unless you're rich you won't be able to live in the centre or anywhere nice, you'll be stuck with a long train journey to get in and out of the centre/good areas. Maybe it's changed, it's a long time since I've lived there. But I do balk at the ridiculous property prices on Location Location Location. "Ooh let's view this ex council 2 bed property, in an area that looks Beirut .....it's only £450k" Erm, what?!

3scape · 28/09/2021 14:33

I say go for it. There's no reason for you to hang back because of your daughter, she's not a child anymore I'm sure she realises you've got a life, aspirations and isn't going to want to stand in your way.

PooWillyNameChange · 28/09/2021 14:38

Do it! We live in the countryside and am planning on returning to London or another big city when the kids leave home. When we aren't supporting them I want to spend my free time doing things which just aren't on offer here.

dworky · 28/09/2021 14:51

Oh, you must definitely do it, you don't even have to burn any bridges for the year.

Daughter will be fine & busy at Uni & it's not as if you're unable to visit one another. It's London, not another country!

Take your opportunities when you can, no-one knows their tomorrow.

BlakeDreary · 28/09/2021 15:05

@marieantoinehairnet

Don't do it, it seems like the golden land but it's a shite, and you get financially stuck and can never leave

How can you get financially stuck?

I'd say it's the opposite. I've gained a lot of equity from my property and now I can move to anywhere else in the country and live a lot more comfortably.

It's easier to move out of London financially then move in.

MurielSpriggs · 28/09/2021 15:10

How can you get financially stuck?

I'd say it's the opposite. I've gained a lot of equity from my property and now I can move to anywhere else in the country and live a lot more comfortably.

It's easier to move out of London financially then move in.

Yes, sorry @marieantoinehairnet, you're talking ballcocks. The people I know who've got financially stuck are the ones who moved out of London to cheaper areas then found it impossible to afford to move back, and get stranded. If you can survive financially in one of the most expensive cities on earth you'll find it a doddle if you choose to move somewhere cheaper.

BlakeDreary · 28/09/2021 15:18

I'm assuming you have looked at rental prices OP so have a general idea of budget etc?

My area is quite nice - leafy and family orientated in zone 3 of London it's classed under INNER London so not on the outskirts. We have lots of lovely parks and a nice high street with independent shops. Rental for 1-bed flats start from £1100 per month in my area.

I don't agree with this generic "London is dirty" term. I'm not originally from London and I can tell you there are far dirtier places in the country, including my hometown. All areas have good and bad. There are some pockets of London that are more suited for families (Dulwich, Walthamstow, Ealing) and some for younger people who want liveliness (Clapham, Camden, Hackney). And there are also some not so nice areas - I won't name them as I don't want to potentially offend anybody. But if you google what it's like to live in those areas you'll get a clearer idea.

I say go for it OP. London is great for a social life and is the main reason I moved here as it made me really how small-town I had been living all my life. Moving to London made me feel alive and I said I would only stay here for a couple of years and now I can't imagine living anywhere else that gives me everything I need.

IntermittentParps · 28/09/2021 16:27

@Chicchicchicchiclana

There's no suggestion the OP's daughter is being bratty or "dictating what OP should do". Is there?

Well, the OP says 'my daughter scoffs at the idea and sees it as me 'abandoning' her'

MurielSpriggs · 28/09/2021 16:39

I don't agree with this generic "London is dirty" term. I'm not originally from London and I can tell you there are far dirtier places in the country, including my hometown.

I've never understood this at all either. In other parts of the country do all the nice ladies go out and with their steam cleaners and Dysons to vacuum the pavements and give the street signs a wipe over or something?

(Mind you, there are some Mumsnet posters who would ideally not like to step out of their sterile cocoons unless all the unhygenic trees had been wiped down with Jeyes Fluid )

CecilieRose · 28/09/2021 16:42

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal you were an adult! I do understand that must have been hard but you can't expect a parent to live their entire life around you when you're away at university for most of the time. Did you ever think about how lonely it would have been for your mum in an empty house without you there?

Maireas · 28/09/2021 16:53

Where will you rent in London, and what rent will you charge for your house by the sea?

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 28/09/2021 17:01

[quote CecilieRose]@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal you were an adult! I do understand that must have been hard but you can't expect a parent to live their entire life around you when you're away at university for most of the time. Did you ever think about how lonely it would have been for your mum in an empty house without you there?[/quote]

Yep but she had a lot of friends and family around her, which is more than I had, and she was still in an empty house when she moved - more empty in fact, because cost and distance meant I couldn't visit very often.

My terms were only 10 weeks long, with a reading week in the middle, and she knew I wanted to come home for weekends frequently as well, as that was why I'd only applied to nearby universities, so she'd have been alone less if she'd stayed put.

At 18 I was barely an adult, and I didn't cope at all well with suddenly being completely independent. Maybe I should have, but I didn't. My mum admits herself now that it was the wrong decision and she shouldn't have done it.

Iloveabourbon2 · 28/09/2021 17:07

Before renting for a year. I would start travelling for weekends regularly or perhaps a full week. The expense is apparent if you live some where like the North.

Although you have a good job. So other than the cost I would go for it OP.

Cam2020 · 28/09/2021 17:10

I think it sounds like a solid plan. Perhaps it just feels like a lot of change in one go for your DD?

I'm sure she could stay with friends in your home town if she's keen to see then there. Or perhaps they could visit her in London if you were open to them visiting?

Bonheurdupasse · 28/09/2021 17:36

Do it OP!

leavesthataregreen · 28/09/2021 18:13

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Like others, I wouldn't do it right now the minute she has gone to University. My DD comes home to see her home-town friends as much as us. In her first year she spent her whole summer here. It would have been miserable if we were in a smaller flat in an unfamiliar place.

Can you hang on for another year or two?

This! London will still be there in two years time, but the daughter only has a couple of years where she would benefit from coming back to a familiar home during the breaks.

Tal45 · 28/09/2021 18:27

Where will your daughter stay every holiday? Just starting uni and then coming 'home' to a completely new huge city every holiday might just be too much, I know I would have been very unhappy. Mind you I lived in London for two years after uni and hated every minute. Personally I think it would be very selfish to do it right now unless your daughter is on board.

HesterShaw1 · 28/09/2021 18:27

I can't tell you how cut loose, rootless, unhappy and yes, abandoned I would have felt at 18 if my mum had done this as soon as I had gone to university.

At least wait until she graduates, for her sake.

An 18 year old who's just left school might be able to vote but they are not really an adult are they?

Maireas · 28/09/2021 18:45

You've also got to factor in if she's unhappy and decides to quit.

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