How do I know I love my DC the way I’m supposed to?

[Nicsmee]

Name changed for this.

I have an 16 month old son, he’s truly amazing.
He’s so happy and smiley and I know I’m extremely lucky to be his mum.

Some days I find it so hard. Being a fun playful parent doesn’t seem to come naturally to me.
I have to try really hard to do it.

There are days when I’m stressed, anxious or just generally not feeling great.

I find myself feeling irritable with my son, especially when he’s having a tantrum or not sleeping.
Im trying really hard to be a gentle parent so I don’t act irritable or snappy with my son.

My husband is completely opposite to me.
He’s such a fun dad, he’s calm, patient and really laid back.

A few weeks ago we were talking about our son and said something along the lines of him changing his life for the better, he’s never felt love like he feels for our son and he would walk through fire for him.

It really took me back because I’ve never thought that deeply about my feelings for DS before.

Since this conversation I have cried every single day. I feel physically sick at the thought of maybe I don’t love my son like I’m supposed to?!

How am I supposed to feel? In love? Besotted?

I love my son, I know I love him. But is that enough?
How am I supposed to feel?

I’m so confused and upset by all of this.

I really hope someone can give me some feedback.

Ah, you are a great mum - you're just experiencing things differently at this stage in his life.

My husband was exactly like your DH - besotted.

But at the time, he was working in the city, his life hadn't changed that much, and DH was a delightful extra.

I, on the other hand, felt the rug had been pulled from under me. I was anxious, terrified I wasn't a natural mum, and quite unhappy.

My two are in their twenties now and as they grew, I really got into my stride.
I also realised I'd had depression and anxiety and got help for that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - it's an awful feeling and really you can get help for it and feel much, much better.

Parenting does not have to be ful of endless joy!! In fact a lot of the time the balance of good to bad ways heavier on the bad!! Some people connect more to different ages? And I expect you are one of those people. U love your child or u wouldn’t have asked this question but I expect u are also exhausted by the day to day boring bits. Do u feel like u would do anything for your child?
U may also have some postnatal depression? Worth maybe talking to your Gp? U need a hug!! U are doing a great job!! Don’t give up!

Feeling bored or annoyed does not mean it's not loving. You feel exactly what is right and normal for you and that is fine.

Some people express love through self-sacrifice and feeling torn with guilt for things like going back to work - I don't feel that way at all, but I still love my kids.

Of course it's easier for your DH to be 'fun, relaxed dad' - even with a very involved dad he's not going to be doing a fraction of the day-to-day parenting that you do - that's not him being more loving, that's him having an easier time of it.

I was thinking about this earlier. I don't think I have those strong emotions towards my son - certainly not in the way your DH describes. And I have days when I really just can't be bothered. But we were watching TV earlier and DS (who is 2), was just sort of flopped over me and he moved my arm so he could snuggle in closer and it just felt right. There's no other way to describe it. I just felt complete. Obviously being a toddler, he then demanded I hand over my phone so he could watch Baby Shark on it but for that brief moment, it just all made perfect sense. Which this probably doesn't!

If you are keeping your son safe and well, you love him enough. Don't be hard on yourself

You love him.
There’s no higher level to aspire to. Also feeling annoyed and irritable with ds is perfectly normal.

For what it’s worth not everyone gets that love at first sight with their babies, maybe dh had that boom of love and yours has built quietly, it doesn’t make it any less than his though