To feel I have to justify being a “housewife” but actually I really love it?

[Opal93]

So I’m a housewife/SAHM and I do love it. I was brought up by a family who worked and frowned on people who receive benefits. I was expected to go to uni and get a good degree despite a lot of discouragement and no support from parents. I left home very young, 18, and worked as a low paid hairdresser apprentice but got pregnant during my training. My son has severe autism and I never returned to work or training to look after him and unexpectedly fell pregnant with his younger brother. I am a SAHP to them and I’m very happy doing this but feel a real deep seated sense of shame when I call myself a SAHM or housewife, and it’s always inevitably followed by “when are you going to return to work?” Or “wouldn’t you like to start earning money again”. I am autistic as well (much higher functioning than my son) and not a lot of people know, just a few close friends and the truth is just looking after the kids and running the house is fulfilling for me but people don’t seem to believe this. I’ve even been called a benefits mum, I only get disability benefit for my son and CA but I don’t get any kind of benefit for myself other than that and my husband works hard and we are comfortable with what we have. Does anyone have similar feelings?

Each to their own. Part time is ideal for me. I'm full time at the minute and hate it. Can't wait to go part time again. I really couldn't care what any one else thinks about my choices. Nor should you.

You don’t need to justify yourself for anyone or feel guilty, it makes you happy and fulfilled, done!

I feel judged for working full time.

You’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you dont.

Try not to worry about what other people think (or sometimes say) is the only way you can approach it.

YANBU. If we could afford it I’d be a SAHM as I feel it’s best for the child.

People should mind their own business more in general. You can live however you like.

I AM a “benefits mum” at least for the moment, and I really couldn’t care less what people think of it. What else am I supposed to do, starve?

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying being a SAHP , you’re not hurting anybody.

I am a CEO of Tech Company.

If I could just stay home and look after my family, house and animals, I would be the happiest person on the planet.

Unfortunately, I have to work, as the primary income earner. Enjoy every moment doing what you love to do

You just have to do what feels right for you.
I don't know why society tends to approve/applaud working mum's more.
I work part time and happy with my choice, l live very simply, grateful for what I have got and don't worry about what l havent.

I adore being a sahm too, you're not alone!

I totally agree with you. I've never been happier.

My DCs are 14 and 17. I spent two decades being the higher earner while our DCs were young. Then, through mainly luck, we were able to pay off our mortgage and my DH's business took off. I've been a SAHM mum since.

I never understand posters who say work defines them. To me it mostly sucks. When I look back my absolute favourite job was waitressing in a busy, popular restaurant in my 20s - I loved it!

When I was earning £60K a year (for years) I was sitting alone with a PC working to ridiculous deadlines and feeling isolated and bored...

Your circumstances are not up for anyone else to pass judgement as it's personal to you!
I felt dissatisfied with being a SAHM for 4 years after our second child was born, because I kept telling myself that being educated to degree level was going to waste and I should be using my talents to get a proper career blahblahblah..... after baby #3 was a year old I took a tentative step back into work but only 15 hours a week in an entry level admin job, so with the childcare costs we're literally no better off financially and I feel like it's the worst of both worlds because I'm too tired to be fully present as a Mum and homemaker, and also not making any progress towards a career..... definitely a different situation for everyone! I would rather just be content with whatever I was doing but doesn't seem like that's on the cards 😔 If you're happy that's all that matters.

Im a SAHM and i love it, money is tight and DP works long hours to allow us to have 1 parent at home but neither of us would change it.

My eldest is also autisic which was the deciding factor for me giving up work and not going back when our youngest was born, it also coincided with DSS turning 18 and leaving college so my partner no longer had to pay maintenance so that was the thing that meant i could stop working, i never would have stopped working until DSS left education because that wouldnt have been fair but i was exhausted and miserable. DS doesnt sleep and struggles to cope at school so i was trying to work fulltime and having to take time off to collect him when the school called on 2hrs sleep if i was lucky, DS was miserable, i was miserable and DP was miserable. We are all much happier with me being at home and if people judge then thats their problem.

I (mainly) love being a SAHM too.

The worst thing about it is telling people what I do as I do think SAHM’s are stigmatised now. I feel like people somehow thought I was a”better” person when I had a professional job. Even though now I work twice as hard and am happy doing something important, as opposed to just making rich people richer (and the world a worse place) and being miserable.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm also a SAHM and was constantly bombarded with people asking when I'm going back to work, or when I'm going to start looking for a job. It really got to me at the time, even though nobody knew our financial situation (not that it has anything to do with anyone else anyway) we are by no means rich, but we're lucky enough to get by and not go without. It makes you feel like you have to justify yourself in some way doesn't it xx

Judging away here. I am in awe of you. How amazing to do what you do and love it. Don't feel shame. Feel pride. Own it!

I'm a sahm,/ housewife and I absolutely love it please don't ever feel you need to justify it you don't .

What would happen if your partner left, though? Do you have savings in your own name?

People who say it's easier going out to work than looking after a child must have pretty cushy jobs. I'm an infant school teacher, in school 11 hours a day plus work at home often and looking after my own children was a piece of piss in comparison. Rushing about all day, constant decision making, 10 mins lunch break, endless meetings snd politics. However I love teaching, it's good to have my own pay and identity outside the home. It's harder than ever in and out of the classroom (once the children have gone home) but I couldn't give it up.

I’m very happy doing this but feel a real deep seated sense of shame when I call myself a SAHM or housewife

Sorry, what? Why do you feel deep shame for being a housewife? Are you only valued by the income you generate?

I generate effectively, sod all. Well, sod all as a percentage of what DH earns. Neither of us want me working, I can get all the housework done while DH is at work, so when he gets home, we both just relax and enjoy our evenings. I love it, it works for us. There is no shame at all.

Each to their own.

ALL mothers are judged, ALL the bloody time, I hate it.
Work? You're abandoning your DC, why even have them if they'll be brought up by other people?! You're a selfish birch!
Stay at home? You're giving your DC a poor example of work ethic, you're a lazy slacker!
Breastfeeding? You're smug and superior, judging other mothers, and it's gross BTW.
Formula feeding? You're feeding your child chemicals and are selfish to boot.

Are you seeing a theme here? It's called misogyny.

You are doing the very best you can for your family. You are doing a good job.

YANBU. I love being a SAHM, and always get comments from other people asking things like: "Don't you get bored?" or "Is your husband okay with you not working?"

You’re brilliant! Taking care of your family and being fulfilled. Literally nothing could be better.

Stigmatising ft mothering and being a ft homemaker is just one more tranche of misogyny : don’t buy into it!

OP, if you're happy and your family is happy then that is all that matters.

I was a SAHM until my youngest started school which worked well for us. But now they are secondary school age I work ft. I'd prefer pt and a bit more balance (I constantly feel I'm short changing my DC) but at the moment ft is necessary.

Do whatever feels right, you owe nobody an explanation. I will say one thing though - please, please, please try and build up a little money of your own. Even if you just squirrel away the odd fiver here and there, I cannot stress how important it is to have money of your own.

..to add i realise that having nt kids probably gives me more options than if your kids have SEN.