to be having a 24hr domestic stand off about who goes to a party?!

[MaeBee]

short version: party on 21st, both me and dp want to go. will be a late (2 or 3) hometime one and can't get a babysitter, and have used up the grandparents house for this month. so only one of us can go.
me and dp are engaged in warfare. of the civil but cold stand off sort. seperate beds last night. looks like the same tonight. its battle of the martyrs at the moment: dp says he SHOULD go cos i go to more social stuff, but that seeing as i will be furious if i don't go, he will let me go and he will stay in.
i suggested last night that we toss a coin or do scissors, paper, stone. i won't be angry if i don't feel its unjust, and whoever loses gets to go to the next event we both want to attend and cant. we did scissors, paper stone. i won. he laughs bitterly and says he lost on purpose and that i always do scissors first!
i really want a fair and just way to decide this so neither of us will feel hard done by. its true i do more socialising, but my dp goes out more generally, to meetings,to play gigs etc. of course i would really like to go but i don't mind missing it if its fair, but not cos i've been guilt tripped into it. i have already stepped down a few times so dp can go because he uses the line that i have more friends and more sociable times so he should win the events we both want.
its really fucking childish of course in the whole scheme of things, but we both feel we are getting a raw deal. suggestions?! (apart from grow up )

If he's right and you go out more than him, then he should go.

(and going out for work doesn't count - I meant socially)

Get a 3rd party to toss a coin & let him pick first. If you still win he will have no comeback.

Good luck

You've got till the 21st, are there no more babysitting avenues you could pursue? I know this one would cause a stand off between us, so I'd be on the phone trying to organise a sleep-over for the DCs or whatever.

If it's not too far away, could one of you go for a few hours, then come home and the other of you goes?

Can you not get a babysitter and both go? A reliable 16+ teenager. Do your DCs go to nursery or school? Another Mum?

We have no family near us, and TBH rarely go out, but on odd occasions we have found trustworthy babysitters.

"dp says he SHOULD go cos i go to more social stuff"

He's right IMO.

If you get to go out more, then only fair he gets a chance isn't it?

Whatever happened to we can't get a babysitter so we can't come to your party, sorry.

You're right it is childish, if anyone should go he should, if he goes to less things than you. But seperate beds???

Sounds a bit odd to me. For starters, have you exhausted all the 'sitters' type agencies in your area? Do you have no friends who would be willing to help out?

If you really really are unable to get a sitter, then you should both stay home. You are a couple after all.

If one of you really must go, then it should be the person who is closest to the people holding the party. i.e if it is your dh's friends/colleagues/family then he go and vice versa.

But to go so far as to sleep in seperate beds seems a bit strange to me, sorry

It would have to be a pretty bloody amazing party to cause me to sleep in separate beds from DH! Is Daniel Craig going to be there? Are there rivers of Champagne?

From your own description, it seems like it is fairer that he goes. Just let him, get a really good film and a yummy meal and enjoy a nice night in.

With DP's trumping and my big bump booting me all night I could think of smaller excuses for not sharing a bed, but am calling all our firends asking them to invite us both to a party as we speak.

ask a friend and make sure they know you will repay the favour hugely!

or use an egency

or he goes

sorry!

It's not your fault if you have more friends and do more socialising than him.
You say he goes out more than you and you've already stepped down over previous events.

It sounds fairer to me if you go.

And he 'lost on purpose' (!) wtf?
Meaning he doesn't really want to go?

Sometimes these things sound great on paper but you could go and have a shit time so is it worth all the aggro? If Daniel craig is going, perhaps I can go instead? Or he could get Miss moneypenny to babysit?

ooh lots of responses!
finally sat down and chatted this lunchtime. we threw a dice and i won. still feel guilty though, and am trying to ask friends to babysit til 1 so we can go for a little bit.
its going to be the sort of party that starts at 10, and on til morning, so its too difficult to go first one then the other.
we do lots of things seperately, its not like "us" or "no-one". the worst outcome would be both staying in. indeed, dp has been moaning he hasn't had a night on his own indoors cos i haven't been out for a month on my own! he has had 6 nights out! (although i do generally socialise more, its true)
thanks for the thoughtful responses, even those of you who took his side.xx

I've been out ONCE in the past 2 months (and that was the meetup!)

Are you taking the piss?

You have SEPARATE BEDS because you can't decide who gets to go out on one night?

Urgh.

This is not important. If you can't decide who will go then neither of you should go, do something nice at home instead. Like play conkers or some other age-appropriate game

Oh, stop judging the OP. They had a row. Over who gets a bit of time and space away. We've all done it. I've just ended a two-week on-off row with Mr Inferior about work and time off and Christmas and the kids. If we had the option of separate beds I'm sure we'd have taken it up, on this or a previous occasion.

You go and party, girl. Just like I'm going to enjoy going out tonight and tomorrow night .

thanks motherinferior! go enjoy yourself too!
yes, it was a childish row, but i guess it has at its heart a whole load of issues: we never lived together before i got pregnant, we are both used to heaps of autonomy and independence. parenting is a shock to both of us, how entwined our lives have to become with each other.
me and dp have a "standard" one night out a week each. we often take more, i sometimes don't bother taking the one. we both like having time alone, and time apart.
we have seperate bedrooms anyway, but usually choose to sleep in mine together anyway. is that so weird? personally, would rather have seperate beds than an invisible line down the middle of the marital one! and
dp isn't as hard pressed as it might sound, think i was trying too hard to be fair in my original post! his meetings aren't work, they are hobby related, and are in a pub. he was out last night. he's off out tonight to meet a friend in the pub. we have friends for dinner tomorrow night. we are both off out for dinner with friends on sunday night. its not like either of us barely get to see anyone else!!
indeed, a quiet night in together might be nice..!

oh, and our friends are great and do babysit regularly. whilst im happy enough to be a bad mother and gallavant about caddishly on a regular basis, i won't leave my ds with anyone he doesn't know well and sees a lot of. what if he woke in the evening? he'd be really upset if it wasn't a familiar face. i know lots of people use agencies and paid babysitters and stuff, but, even if we could afford it, i personally wouldn't do it. thats not a judgement on anyone else, im just a bit soft i guess!