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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like a total and utter idiot!

30 replies

beewritesx · 26/09/2021 17:13

DH and I have had our issues recently. A few weeks ago, I tried to kick him out but he wouldn't leave! Things started to turn a corner and I thought maybe things were improving. Fast forward to my birthday this week. He took the day off work to spend time with me and bought us a takeaway and Costa. I was a bit miffed I didn't get a card or present but didn't want to come across as entitled so let it go (just to give you an idea: I bought him birthday presents and arranged a party/invited his family over for his birthday). He did offer to buy me underwear from Amazon 🙄 but I reminded him it was my birthday, not his! Anyway, I went out with the girls Friday night and I came home to him waiting for me in bed. He didn't ask me if I'd had a good night or anything so I basically told him I wanted to go to sleep!

The following day he made a snipe about me going out drinking with friends then when I asked him for a lift to a friend's DS birthday party, he swore at me in front of his friends! (This is the second time something like this has happened).

The following day, he apologised and was lovely. Offered to cook for me and mowed the grass! But this time I'm a lot more cynical! Am I an idiot for thinking he can change?

OP posts:
BlueSussex · 26/09/2021 17:24

Bin him.

IvySneezes · 26/09/2021 17:26

YABAI

Original poster
beewritesx · 26/09/2021 18:51

Just to give some background information ...

He wont put me on his car insurance and I can't afford a car because I pay all the utilities. My 57-year-old mother who is caring for my father (he has stage 4 bowel cancer and is bed bound) and my adult brother who has autism and learning difficulties. She had to care for my dad so we left late then ended up getting lost and turning up half an hour late! By this point, DS had fallen asleep in the car and by the time he had woken up he was wound up and screamed the entire time.

I'm actually furious!

OP posts:
Original poster
beewritesx · 26/09/2021 18:52

My mother took us, I meant to say!

OP posts:
ChickenGotLegs · 26/09/2021 18:58

He sounds like a knob sorry

Highflyingadored · 26/09/2021 19:02

Sadly he wont change. Men very rarely do... and if they do its doesnt always stick.

I was with a guy who dumped me and I was told had been cheating on me, but he went on holiday and when away had an epiphany and begged me to take him back, would live with me blah blah....

Great all moved in.... happy life (or so it seemed) but on reflection he caused me alot of grief, emotionally abused me etc... and then cheated on me again for several months until I realised.

I thought he had changed, but a leopard and his spots.

I'm sorry op but you will need to choose about how you wish to live your life. You only get one chance, dont let him wear you down

Bywayofanupdate · 26/09/2021 19:04

Do you want your DS to grow up thinking this is acceptable behaviour?

RealBecca · 26/09/2021 19:08

Well, hes changed for long enough to lire you back.

Mowing the grass isn't a favour to you amd cooking is something he needs to do to eat.

Failing to see his good qualities.

Notimeforaname · 26/09/2021 19:09

Yeas he seems to not care, until you make it clear,then he just tries to do somthing 'nice' to get you off his back.

He's not addressing the problem,your unhappiness.
He's doing his own thing,living in his own land and and just saying a half arsed sorry each time.

Notimeforaname · 26/09/2021 19:10

And he only apologises and cuts the grass to get life back to where he's comfortable, thinking about himself.

He doesn't actually ask what you need or want.

Neverwrestlewithapig · 26/09/2021 19:22

Cooking and mowing the grass and so on are part of being an adult. They are not a favour to you! Speaking to you respectfully is the minimum that a stranger would expect. Do not let him fool you into being ‘grateful’ for these things. You are worth more than that Flowers

Derbee · 26/09/2021 19:43

I’d say it’s a pretty sad state of affairs when you’re thinking cooking and mowing the lawn is something to be celebrated.

Surely if you’ve tried to end it before, but he wouldn’t leave, you feel the same? Why allow him to manipulate you into thinking that it’s entitled to expect a birthday present? He sounds like a dick

Original poster
beewritesx · 26/09/2021 20:42

I wanted a calm conversation with him tonight, to try to explain my perspective!

He started crying, saying I don't understand the pressure men are under and why the suicide rates among men are so high! He hates missing out on DS growing up because he's in a job he hates. He hates the fact that he had to sell his possessions to pay for his brakes to be fixed (because money is so tight) I tried to be understanding and gently pointed out that I can't even afford a car and have to beg people for lifts. Then he told me I do what I always do and make everything about me! That he doesn't even get two hours to himself over the weekend because I'm asking him to take me places! And that he knew DS would hate the birthday party and could've told me beforehand. All this whilst crying and shaking!

My emotions are all over the place! I have no idea what to do because he always does this and I'm left questioning myself, my motives, my sanity!

Just sat drinking and crying feeling like an utter failure!

OP posts:
Highflyingadored · 26/09/2021 20:54

So you tried to explain how you feel and how things are for you and he turns it around to be about him..... and you are questioning yourself...Hmm

Shoxfordian · 26/09/2021 20:57

It isn’t entitled to expect your husband to buy you a birthday present.

He’s just trying to manipulate you again
Don’t put up with it

Original poster
beewritesx · 26/09/2021 20:59

He was genuinely crying and talking about suicide rates among men. My emotions always get the better of me!

OP posts:
Highflyingadored · 26/09/2021 21:28

If he is struggling with life you cant fix that for him, support yes if you so choose but if he is genuinely struggling then he needs to seek help and support to get himself sorted.

Only when he is sorted or straight then you can work on your relationship....

Honestly I think he is emotionally abusing the situation and trying to make you feel guilty

Ionlydomassiveones · 26/09/2021 21:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

thelastgoldeneagle · 26/09/2021 22:00

He's abusive. When you called him out on it, he cried and made it all about him, to make you feel guilty.

Bin him. He sounds awful.

alldaydream · 26/09/2021 23:42

You would be better off without him. I saw your other post about him too and he seems to think you exist to serve him.
He's swearing at you in front of his friends, which must feel humiliating, and if he's doing that so brazenly in public I'm assuming he's worse in private.
Hes making you feel like shit, even though you're clearly going through a lot with your dad being seriously ill. He barely acknowledged your birthday. He is showing you that you are not a priority for him, yet from your other post he very much expects you to make him your priority. This isn't an equal relationship. You know he's not treating you with respect and love, but he is so manipulative he has in your own words left you questioning your own sanity. I really feel for you OP.
Has he always been so uncaring or is this a sudden change? And do arguments normally end in him making you feel sorry for him so issues get brushed under the carpet?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/09/2021 00:19

So now he is threatening suicide. DO NOT let yourself get trapped by that. You will be his servant/slave for life. Get your ducks in a row, get him out of your life, and if you think there is "really" a problem tell his mother to call the mental health authorities.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/09/2021 00:24

Aah DARVO. There must be somewhere they hand out leaflets with the script to use. Absolutely DARVO.

And I'm really sorry about your dad Thanks

DismantledKing · 27/09/2021 00:25

He’s manipulating you.
What a twat.

Foodie9 · 27/09/2021 05:24

What do you even love about this man? Sorry OP.. He isn't even making you feel loved and valued by not being stupidly selfish. Move on. Life is so damn short to be wasting time on men like this.

Derbee · 27/09/2021 12:19

You have so many threads about your husband being an arsehole.

I don’t know what anyone can say. He’s coercive, controlling, and disrespectful. When you go about you daily life serving him, he takes you for granted. When you point out any bad behaviour, he cries, blames you and threatens suicide.

You really need to get rid.

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