Crazy on both sides of the family- say it isn’t just me

Holly60 · 26/09/2021 15:15

You do sound like you’ve been unlucky. I’ve always gotten on with all my lovely family - my side and ILs. Sorry they aren’t perfect but not am I.

Original poster

Nc4post99 · 26/09/2021 15:18

@Holly60

You do sound like you’ve been unlucky. I’ve always gotten on with all my lovely family - my side and ILs. Sorry

they aren’t perfect but not am I.

Ah whats that like? Must be nice not to have every conversation teeming with resentment, annoyance or blatant antagonism Xx

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Holly60 · 26/09/2021 22:10

It’s just easy OP. They are all just like good friends really. Do you have a good network of friends who you can treat like family?

Original poster

Nc4post99 · 26/09/2021 23:09

@Holly60

It’s just easy OP. They are all just like good friends really. Do you have a good network of friends who you can treat like family?

Regrettably no, lost my dad lately and I think that shows you who your real friends are, a lot distanced themselves finding it ‘awkward’, that and having kids.

Xx

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SnarkyBag · 26/09/2021 23:14

Yeah we’ve got crazy on both sides. Went NC with my dad 5 years ago which has led to less contact with the rest and DH’s family are all about appearances to the outside world but an all round shit show behind closed doors. I’m taking a wee break from them too right now!

SnarkyBag · 26/09/2021 23:16

Like Holly suggests I’m really putting more effort into my friendships these days instead.

Antinerak · 27/09/2021 10:15

My family are shit too!!!

My side are all in need of therapy and have no idea about it. Dh's family are lovely most of the time but there is some deep-seated trauma in there that peeps out every now and then- usually when they find out someone is doing better in life than them.

It's not just you!

Original poster

Nc4post99 · 27/09/2021 11:04

God it’s crap isn’t it @SnarkyBag and @Antinerak. My most recent wtf moment has been DM (an actual violent child abuser) accusing me of child abuse because I bought some clothes for DD for next summer and Dc2 (expected late nov) in the next sale.

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Antinerak · 27/09/2021 14:32

@Nc4post99

God it’s crap isn’t it *@SnarkyBag and @Antinerak*. My most recent wtf moment has been DM (an actual violent child abuser) accusing me of child abuse because I bought some clothes for DD for next summer and Dc2 (expected late nov) in the next sale.

Oh fuck that! I'm glad you're able to see how ridiculous she is, it can be so difficult to realise and deal with it when you're wrapped up in their bs. Your DM sounds like a ginormous hypocrite and entirely oblivious to what a good parent does.

Congratulations on your baby!

Recently 'D'M sent me an email (her only way to contact me), where she told me that my husband is financially abusive because when we first met and I was unable to work, he helped me out financially. What a monster he is! Clearly thinking is not her strong point...

Softfresh · 27/09/2021 14:50

Not just you. We are completely NC with both sides. It's just not worth the mental torture and anxiety they cause us.

I often look on at other families in awe and wonder what it must be like to have a supportive network of loving people surrounding them. Must be nice sigh

Justilou1 · 27/09/2021 15:27

How very dare you @Nc4post99. Imagine thinking ahead and not spending recklessly… Your family situation sounds rather familiar. WE moved to the other side of the planet to get away from everyone. It was great. Now we’re back and I feel haunted by my past. My parents have died, so that batshittery and torment has ceased, but of course the trauma lives on. NC with my only sibling who has amplified all of their behaviours and taken aim at me. My IL’s are long divorced and remarried. Both racist, homophobic and pretty much everything I can’t tolerate and don’t want my kids exposed to. MIL lives other side of country, only interested in her new family now. Called our DD1 a slut when she was 12, (because she bought herself eyeshadow with her own pocket money) and then sent $5 to DS10 with a comment about not being naughty (I don’t want to sound like THAT mother, but all three of mine are super quiet and polite so god knows where that came from) and $50 to DD10 with a note commenting on how much she looks like her Nanna (she actually looks just like me) in their birthday cards. They’re twins, btw.

Justilou1 · 27/09/2021 15:30

Oh, and I haven’t spoken to her in nearly six years - since she called my DD1 a slut and the money thing, but she has invited herself for Christmas this year. As it’s a looooong drive (5-7 days - we’re in Aus) she has invited her and her DH for a month. Guess what? “That doesn’t work for me.”

Spindrifting · 27/09/2021 15:40

I know it's not what you were actually posting about, OP, but even if your MIL is a genuinely dreadful human being, she also sounds extremely vulnerable, if she is married to someone abusive and has no grasp of English, no capacity to use public transport, no access to money, is illiterate and inumerate etc after 30 years in the UK. I mean, can it be accidental that she's married to someone abusive and can't function independently at all?

Original poster

Nc4post99 · 27/09/2021 17:22

@Spindrifting

I know it's not what you were actually posting about, OP, but even if your MIL is a genuinely dreadful human being, she also sounds extremely vulnerable, if she is married to someone abusive and has no grasp of English, no capacity to use public transport, no access to money, is illiterate and inumerate etc after 30 years in the UK. I mean, can it be accidental that she's married to someone abusive and can't function independently at all?

It’s a bit complicated because she’s not evil and is vulnerable but a lot of her actions are intentional to control her son (DH) with little regard for his financial or emotional welfare. This is my issue. DH has sacrificed a lot for her, and she has regular temper tantrums because he won’t do what she wants.

FIL left her for another woman whom he lives with, they aren’t divorced but she won’t file for divorce even though she’s been encouraged to. To the best of my understanding they’ve never lived together nor had a marriage as you and I would think of one.

She physically can use public transport but refuses to, same with taxis. DH used to take her to ESL classes but after a while she refused to go, she won’t interact with people outside of her own community or make an effort to, and has some rather nasty preconceptions about people from other races (won’t say them here but they are deeply problematic).

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Original poster

Nc4post99 · 27/09/2021 17:33

^also she has access to money. FIL and DH give her money regularly and she doesn’t pay any bills.

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Original poster

Nc4post99 · 27/09/2021 17:36

@Justilou1

How very dare you *@Nc4post99*. Imagine thinking ahead and not spending recklessly… Your family situation sounds rather familiar. WE moved to the other side of the planet to get away from everyone. It was great. Now we’re back and I feel haunted by my past. My parents have died, so that batshittery and torment has ceased, but of course the trauma lives on. NC with my only sibling who has amplified all of their behaviours and taken aim at me. My IL’s are long divorced and remarried. Both racist, homophobic and pretty much everything I can’t tolerate and don’t want my kids exposed to. MIL lives other side of country, only interested in her new family now. Called our DD1 a slut when she was 12, (because she bought herself eyeshadow with her own pocket money) and then sent $5 to DS10 with a comment about not being naughty (I don’t want to sound like THAT mother, but all three of mine are super quiet and polite so god knows where that came from) and $50 to DD10 with a note commenting on how much she looks like her Nanna (she actually looks just like me) in their birthday cards. They’re twins, btw.

Oh Christ. What a hideous woman!

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LassFromHaweswater · 27/09/2021 22:13

@Nc4post99

My family= abusive and narcissistic. Racist too ILs= dysfunction to the max combined with abusive yet entitled absentee FIL and needy, incapable and guilt tripping MIL and gobshite extended family who love to created drama.

Say it’s not just me who’s hit the shit show jackpot here?

by incapable I mean wasn’t born here, but has lived here for nearly 30 years and can’t speak more than 5 words of English, never worked a day so someone has to financially support her, won’t take public transport or taxis and makes no effort to try, can’t read, write, count etc. I have some but not total sympathy to this as I do believe some of it is a choice

Severely LC with all but still, just needed a rant. It’s not just me that’s this ‘lucky’ right?

I do wonder whether narcissists are attracted to fellow narcissists. Often seems that way.

Justilou1 · 27/09/2021 23:20

Do you find that people don’t believe it’s possible to have such fucked up families, so it must be you? I do…

Original poster

Nc4post99 · 28/09/2021 11:52

@Justilou1

Do you find that people don’t believe it’s possible to have such fucked up families, so it must be you? I do…

Yes @Justilou1 or people think no one can possibly be that bad, there must be a back story or you must be exaggerating and I’m like no, that’s just my mother for you 🙄

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Justilou1 · 28/09/2021 12:09

That, or people assume you’ve got some weird, hidden negative side that they’ve never noticed and they begin to look for it. 🧐

Original poster

Nc4post99 · 29/09/2021 14:38

How did get get this lucky lol

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TheLeadbetterLife · 29/09/2021 14:45

My family and my in-laws are both lovely in their own ways and we all get on, but my brother and I (and our partners) are in a pocket of sanity amongst a grab bag of loons — including, but not limited to, conspiracy theorists, climate deniers, racists, alt-right wingers, anti-vaxxers, and evangelical, young Earth Christians.

Small talk is restricted to very specific, non-controversial topics.