To enquire about a gastric band? (tw self harm)

[fatandhatemyself]

I’m 30, I’m 21 and a half stone .

I’ve been fat since I was seven, I had PTSD/developmental trauma in childhood (abuse and neglect) and I ate to feel happy . I was 7 stone by age 7; 14 stone by age 15 . I comfort ate, I ate in secret, I ate in the middle of the night, I ate anything until I was so full I hurt - I can eat a large dominos pizza, two sides, a desert, then sweets, all to myself, it’s disgusting . I’ve done the binge-purging before . I didn’t receive any mental health support until age 18, by that stage a lot of damage was done and I was actively self harming and using maladaptive coping methods .

I’ve had mental health help since; but rely on mirtazapine now to sleep which promotes weight gain . I’ve also got PCOS and get checked for T2 diabetes every year .

I have a huge family history of obesity related illness; everyone has hypertension, strokes, coronary disease, bleeding on the brain, leg ulcers.

Also have a family history of addiction with 3/4 grandparents being alcoholics .

I was bullied excessively at school and by family at times, I’ve always been the fat one, they threw literal food at me at school - they held me down and sprayed cream in my hair and poured a litre of coke down me . Family have openly laughed or belittled me or it’s endless criticism and being pulled to bits . I eat in secret, I eat all wrong - I avoid meals and just cram in biscuits or sandwiches from Tesco . I feel like to my family I am worthless because I’m fat - and I feel like I’m being judged in society so I avoid going out .

I lost weight at 16 with help of a school nurse, then piled it back on when diagnosed with anxiety . Lost weight at 26 with GP’s help; then piled it back on with nervous breakdown . Lost weight at 29, then piled it back on within 6 months with start of panic attacks .

I’m not the fattest I’ve ever been - fattest was 22 stone 11, but I’m approaching that . Size 26/28 bottom and size 26 top . I’m covered in rashes; sores under my belly fat and breasts, I’m breathless a lot, sweaty, fluid retention, and I hate myself , I’ve zero energy, even turning over in bed is a job sometimes . Buying clothes is a nightmare, I’m down to very few shops now, and I worry before I sit down that I’m going to break things .

I’m 30, I want to be happy, and I feel like I can only be happy if I can fix my body somehow. I used to fantasise as a child if I could somehow cut the fat off myself . I realise how stupid that sounds, but I’m desperate to change myself .

Is it worth asking GP, would they even consider it if you’ve a background of mental health? I’m scared they’ll just laugh and hand me a slimming world leaflet as has been done previously .

vsg is much better, bands are well known to slip and cause issues. I'm amazed they bother doing them - seems obvious it will slip if you look at a diagram

my mum had a bypass and so to understand and support her I followed a load of fb bariatric surgery groups and follow the tags on instagram etc. From everyone I see around, the vsg ones (and bypass a close second) seem happiest and best results, plus longer term and less faff/worry

have you tried slimming world?

There's no harm in asking but they'll only go for a gastric band as a last resort.

You need help with diet and portion control etc.

There's no point getting a gastric band if you're still going to eat to excess.

It’s definitely worth asking for a referral. I imagine a lot of people in your position have some mental health issues and the bariatric team will be able to assess your condition and suitability. It may be that you need to complete psychological care before surgery which would enhance your chances of success.

I wish you well and I’m so sorry for all your suffering.

Definitely ask for help for both your weight and your PTSD and anxiety. That sounds incredibly tough for you and you deserve proper help and support. Are you able to pay privately? Just because the NHS will probably have a huge wait to be seen and may fob you off.

I’ve been there. I was 20stone 8lb in April this year. I’m now 5st lighter, after a gastric sleeve. I’m a very similar age, with a similar history of weight gain, eating patterns, etc.

Go to your GP and push for a referral for weight loss surgery. It takes a long time (I went private in the end). There are a few bariatric surgery support threads on here, have a look at them

Thank you

I’ve done Team RH via Facebook and Slimming World before, have also seen a dietician a few times via NHS . GP suggested trying to do keto diet but I am really, really bad for actually following and sticking to it, my weight is so tangled in my emotions that I feel like I’m being punished if I start dieting . It’s not great .

With regard to exercise, I’m dyspraxic so I’ve never yet found an exercise I can get on with - I used to like walking but being bigger size walking just feels uncomfortable now . I love swimming but I’m too scared to go . I’ve been told by GP I’m not allowed to do endurance or competitive sport due to family history, but she did say gentle walking and swimming would be fine, I just need to get my confidence up a bit !

Maybe worth pursuing counselling first to help you emotionally deal with everything? Sounds like you are struggling and losing weight is difficult enough without the added emotions involved.

Shane has posted what I was about to say. Priority has to be your mental health, you need counselling to help you deal with the trauma you have experienced, until then, physical interventions for weight loss will be successful only in the short term, if at all

I had a gastric sleeve. If you’re thinking of going down the surgery route avoid the band, high complication rate and high rates of failure. I had my sleeve 2 years ago and lost 8 stone, and have not regained any of the weight I’ve lost.

I did the sleeve as well. Best decision I ever made. I think the band is out of favor these days because of complication risk and the fact that people just gain the weight back when it comes out. The sleeve is permanent. The first month is hard but I’ve lost 60 lbs since January.

Please take a look at Institute for the Psychology of Eating on Feb and Instagram, this is a truly holistic approach - there are loads of free resources, podcasts etc - I’m sure it will help you start to reframe your ideas about hating your body and punishing yourself when dieting, a good start!

Have you considered Paul McKenna's hypnosis gastric band?

www.paulmckenna.com/hypnotic-gastric-band

Maybe you could try it whilst you're waiting for the whole referral through to surgery process?

I agree with others that you need to get serious help with your mental health issues first and then tackle weight loss. Have you looked at tai chi? Its very good for mental health and for getting you active but is very gentle on the body?

Have you asked about an alternative to mirtazapine? That is renowned for weight difficulties. Something like agomelatine can help regulate your sleep pattern without the side effects.

It doesn't sound like you're in the right place emotionally for surgery. If you don't address your emotional dependence around food then any kind of bariatric restriction could cause more misery and physical complications too. You have my sympathy as, I managed to lose weight and keep it off, but still use food as a crutch.

I'm sorry that you are struggling so badly and that you were bullied so horribly.

I went through the preparation group for bariatric surgery on the NHS and was turned down because of my mental health, there is no way they will give you surgery if you are actively binging. The psychologist did refer me for some help though to develop better emotional regulation skills.

It is worh asking your GP for a referral, different parts of the country have different rules and it might lead you to getting some proper help with your eating problems.

I want to be happy, and I feel like I can only be happy if I can fix my body somehow. I used to fantasise as a child if I could somehow cut the fat off myself . I realise how stupid that sounds, but I’m desperate to change myself

Can I recommend the book 'Why we eat (too much)' by Andrew Jenkinson? It was really useful to me in helping me shed feelings of guilt and low self-worth in relation to my weight. He explains the pattern you have had (which is classic) of shedding and regaining weight.

Jenkinson is a bariatric surgeon and an advocate of surgery for chronic obesity, but he also recommends ways of eating to help manage your 'set weight point'.

Wishing you the best whatever you decide to do.

I had to stop Mirtazapine because of weight gain - at first I thought it was worth it as it helped with anxiety, but by the time I realised how much weight I was gaining, I'd put on 4 stone in six months, and gone from a size 12/14 to a size 20. I do think it's worth asking about an alternative.

And I'm sorry that you've been through so much trauma and bullying.

I too am dyspraxia and rubbish at all sports. I've just started weight training, as psychologically it helps me to feel I'm getting stronger rather than it being weight loss related - I wonder if this is something you'd like at some point?

You sound like a lovely thoughtful person, you've got through a lot in life and you'll get through this. xx

I’m 30, I want to be happy, and I feel like I can only be happy if I can fix my body somehow. I used to fantasise as a child if I could somehow cut the fat off myself . I realise how stupid that sounds, but I’m desperate to change myself

Some questions to ask yourself

-what exactly can you not do now that you imagine you would be able to when 'fixed'? Are there REALLY that many things? Granted you may have to do some physical things more gently/carefully than smaller people but your size shouldn't prevent you doing most of the things in life that you want to do

-if you were to start from the position that you imagine your body is how you want it to be already, how would you treat it, move it, feed it? (Clue-you should do this NOW because even if you manage to somehow get to your 'perfect weight', going back to treating it the same way as before will only take you back to where you were before). Treat it as valuable now and the way you see overeating/junk food will change from being an indulgence to being a form of self harm, why would you harm something you respect/love? - If the self harm reference resonates as being exactly how you feel when bingeing, then this emphasises why you need to get counselling. Most of us overeat occasionally, because we enjoy certain foods so much, but bingeing though (slightly subjective term but I suspect you know your 'line' takes you into eating disorder territory and needs attention the same as any medical condition

-your body is not YOU - it is what carries you around - think about what you value and admire and love in others, how much of it has anything to do with how their body look? Now think about yourself in the same way - you are valuable and loved. Being fat is not a moral failing (despite society's apparent view that it is).

I don't have experience of the ED side of things but I do know a lot about being overweight.

There are 2 types of hunger - physical hunger and head hunger. They're exactly like they sound. But any WLS (weight loss surgery) will only work as a tool. You could have the surgery and self sabotage yourself, ending up back where you are now but with more limited options.

Many authorities don't offer a band now as there are SO many difficulties and complications with it - slippage, erosion of the stomach to name just two. Leave alone the fact that many people can't find the perfect 'fill' which restricts food intake. This either leads to over eating or not being able to keep even water down.

I don't have recommendations for books etc but it looks like you've had some really good advice here. I'd recommend that you do some research around gastric sleeve and gastric bypass - they're now the recommended WLS as they're less likely to have complications. I'm due to have a sleeve when things 'get back to normal'.

The other thing that I consider to be imperative - work with someone who will be able to help you unpick your emotions and feelings around food - if you don't deal with the core issues, there's absolutely no point in having any surgery.

Good luck