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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with annoying In Laws

26 replies

Pancakerolls · 26/09/2021 11:15

I am so sick of my brother in law and his family!!! He is so needy, inconsiderate, self obsessed. All he thinks about is himself and doesn’t consider anyone else’s feelings.

His birthday is coming up. He arrange to go to a theme park with his wife & 4 kids and asked us and the rest of his family if we wanted to come along. Quite expensive but it would be a new experience for our older boys so we said yes. I booked a sitter for our younger 2 and researched the best discount codes online. He kept messaging the group chat to book tickets and sending us links.

A month later my husband is round his house (weird setup but my BIL & SIL and their 4 kids live with my MIL & FIL) and the theme park/ birthday came up and only then had he looked at the prices and decided it was too expensive. He was asking my husband what we should all do and my husband was thinking “I don’t care” and texted me and I was like “Its his birthday he needs to pick something” but I quickly looked online and suggested an activity farm that was located half way (1h each to drive) between our houses…
Well, later he messaged us privately planning his birthday around that suggestion and then put in that he will come back to our house to stay over (with his 4 kids) and inviting his parents and siblings over to ours as well. So now he wants us to host and cook! OH, but he will contribute to food! 🤬 wtf!!!
What’s annoying also is that it’s my son and husbands birthday the weeks following and I want to plan and prep that not plan a 34 year old man birthday with his 4 kids in tow!! Argh!!!
Sorry this more more of a vent but how do I respond without sounding like a complete bitch?

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 26/09/2021 11:21

Just message and say sorry - that’s not going to work as we already have evening plans (ok sitting watching a movie drinking wine and playing dominos still counts? Right?)

Original poster
Pancakerolls · 26/09/2021 11:23

I was meant to add that my husband was visiting his parents and his brother was there so that’s why they were discussing his birthday because they all live together.
He does this all the time to us and it just pushes us away from his and makes us not want to do anything with him and his family.

OP posts:
MzHz · 26/09/2021 11:43

Just tell them now that this plan won’t work and that they need to come up with something else

The sooner you do this the better

Manage his expectations

“Bil, arrange whatever you want and we’ll meet you there, we won’t be hosting”

MzHz · 26/09/2021 11:45

Honestly, stop worrying what it comes across as - your BIL has no issue in telling you what he’s doing, surely he’ll accept that you are as direct as he is.

TurquoiseDragon · 26/09/2021 11:52

He'll probably turn out to be one of those happy to dish out the directness and entitlement, but throws a tantrum if peeople do it back to himm.

Rainbowheart1 · 26/09/2021 11:55

Sorry I’m busy and can’t host next week.

Original poster
Pancakerolls · 26/09/2021 11:56

Haha that’s him!

OP posts:
gingerbiscuits · 26/09/2021 12:00

What a CF! Uh, tell him in no uncertain terms that its not happening! There's no need if its equidistant between your 2 houses, for a start! If he kicks off then just tell him to get stuffed & don't go to any of it - he sounds like a total prick!

Dibble135 · 26/09/2021 12:02

“That doesn’t work for us.” No sorry. No explanation required.

girlmom21 · 26/09/2021 12:12

Just say no, surely?

Stovetopespresso · 26/09/2021 12:13

"sorry I don't feel up to that, maybe we can go out instead some other time"

dworky · 26/09/2021 12:23

If you allow this, you've facilitated his selfishness.
You & your partner have to be resolute in saying no, you cannot give people like him an inch.

Original poster
Pancakerolls · 30/09/2021 20:24

Ahh! So after a well of ignoring the message I got my husband to respond and he said “best if you just figure out what you want to do and then we will see if we can come.”
Which I thought was good, not mean and seems pretty obvious. Well, his brother responded “Just wanted to see you guys as a fam :) what are you thoughts to doing something together on Saturday, we crash at yours, and then eat together Sunday?“ Basically just asking us the same question again! He didn’t get the hint!!

OP posts:
maslinpan · 30/09/2021 20:29

Something like, "we are looking forward to seeing you guys too at XXX venue, but we have plans for the evening". Remain firm and clear, no room for ambiguity.

Chloemol · 30/09/2021 20:32

So now it’s a sorry not going to work for us response
Let us know if you think of anything else

Cuddlyrottweiler · 30/09/2021 20:35

Stop hinting. He's his brother. "Sorry bro, couldn't put everybody up but we're happy to go out for a meal somewhere in between?"

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/09/2021 20:40

Sound like a bitch, nothing wrong with that.

Yummymummy2020 · 30/09/2021 20:51

So cheeky! I would say sorry we can’t have guests staying over at the moment but are happy to celebrate elsewhere!

QueenoftheKarens · 30/09/2021 20:54

Reply "no it's cool, how about we crash at yours?" Grin Hell get the hint in no time.

Tiramiwho · 30/09/2021 21:25

Good lord, so this is just the 34th (or 35th?) Of a grown adult?
My own sibling is getting a card, cash inside and hopefully the winning Euromillions ticket this Friday 🤓
What the hell will he want you all to do for his 40th?

Autumngoldleaf · 30/09/2021 21:33

Doesn't work for us, because we have x the following week.

Autumngoldleaf · 30/09/2021 21:35

Soz but this fam is all birthdayed up for a good few weeks and my hands are full planning my dh and sons bday, so I don't have the time to host and cook for about 2o the week before due to man child.

christmascrazylady · 30/09/2021 22:44

Sounds like you need to spell it out very clearly that you aren't hosting their free birthday getaway

MzHz · 01/10/2021 11:55

Come on! You’re adults here and can honestly say “No, sorry, that’s not going to work, we’ll meet you at x but not going to be able to host you”

Stompythedinosaur · 01/10/2021 12:30

Totally cf.

"Sorry, we're not up to hosting everyone this time."