For feeling like a backup friend and being upset about it?

[LunaRabbit]

Summary: I'm upset my friend keeps canceling our altering our plans to hang out with other people.

To give some context, I met this friend in undergrad, and we ended up moving to the same city. I'm socially awkward, and she can tell.

In undergrad we hung out together and even traveled together once. (She made it clear she had asked a bunch of people before asking me, but I didn't mind since we had just met.)

But even after becoming friends, she's done some things.

She's invited me to get a senior apartment on campus with her. I immediately told her okay, then a day later she told me she's rooming with someone else instead. (She didn't mention she was asking multiple people.)

She's invited me to hang out, but after getting there I learned she invited other people and she kind of ignored me. (She didn't tell me it'd be a group thing. To me it felt like a better friend suddenly had time, and she felt bad about canceling on me entirely so agreed to let me be the third wheel.)

She's told me to my face I'm "convenient" for talking to about personal stuff since I'm friendless and can't gossip to anyone. I like being there for people but dislike being called "convenient." I told her that, but she didn't care.

My first weekend here, we agreed to go to a movie and dinner together. After the movie she suddenly told me she's going to hang out with someone else instead and left me there. I ate dinner by myself...

This weekend she asked me to hang out with her again. I told her I'm free, then she suggested hanging out as a group with another person. That other person said she's busy. I assumed us two would still hang out and offered some fun suggestions, then she texted me back she's going on a date instead, even though in this case I'm the first person she texted... I feel like I'm not interesting enough just by myself? I'd chalk it up to a simple miscommunication except I feel she's constantly cancelling or altering our plans to hang out with other people.

I understand there are best friends and backup friends and occasionally plans unavoidably get canceled, but honestly I feel horrible after interacting with this person. I've confronted her casually and she seems to get it but doesn't seem to actually care.

Although I'll say, when we do end up hanging out, she's friendly and talkative.

Am I just being too sensitive? Or am I right in thinking she's subconsciously taking advantage of the fact I'm socially awkward and thinking of me as a backup friend?

Why do you keep behaving like you’re ok with being a ‘backup’, though, by repeatedly accepting the crumbs of her time and attention?

There's a saying 'when someone tells/shows you who they are don't ignore them'. She is telling you over and over, sometimes brazenly that you do not matter.

what do you get out of this friendship?

I'm less confused by her behavior and more confused why you put up with it. Please just block her number and don't give this woman another thought.

Dump her she's no friend.

So now you know...

what are you going to do about it ?

She doesn’t sound like that much of a friend or as if she’s going to change. It’s possible to still have occasional fun times with someone but to lower your expectations of them so that you’re not leaning on them emotionally in any way. However, you say it upsets you - so look after yourself and maybe consider backing off a bit.

"She's told me to my face I'm "convenient" for talking to about personal stuff since I'm friendless and can't gossip to anyone." Oh well. At least she openly admits to being a complete and utter user. Nothing subconscious about it. She has chosen to treat you this way, and won't even give you a shred of dignity by keeping it tacit.
" I feel horrible after interacting with this person."
Well there you go. No other justification necessary. Dump- either by fading her out or telling her baldly that she's dumped and why. She probably won't much care either way- beyond being mildly annoyed that you aren't there to dance attendance on her when she feels like it- so neither should you. She can always say, Alexa, I'm bored. Tell me a joke. Alexa, listen to my funny story. Alexa, laugh at my story. Alexa, why is my boyfriend a dickhead? to replace you.

You are better off alone- properly alone, restaurant table for one alone, one cinema ticket alone, alone- than with this vampire.

You feel like a backup friend because you are! Sorry to be so blunt.

I think your time would be better spent cultivating other friendships and ditch this non-friend.

I dumped the friend who cancelled on me because she was going to a party. You need a bit more self-respect.

You should be well begins “feeling like”, you have just written our multiple examples which demonstrate you are certainly a back up to this person. I can’t see this changing, if you don’t want to be a back up friend, and frankly who would, then you need to make yourself unavailable to this individual permanently.

She isn't a friend and if she makes you feel bad that tells you everything you need to know. I would be looking at ways to increase my friendship base without this woman,

From what you've written, she's quite clearly using you. So I can see what she gets out of your friendship. It's less clear what's in it for you. For some people, what she's offering would be fine and they would treat her in a similar fashion. But it sounds like you want more than that. Don't settle for a rubbish friend. There are lots of lovely people out there so you can do better.

You need to just stop spending time with her, as she is telling you blatantly you are not a real friend.

She’s not your friend; don’t let people treat you like an option

If she makes you feel bad about yourself, she isn’t a friend. The end

She sounds like someone who is needy, can't commit to friendships and needs validation. She is using you. Walk away from her. She'll realise what she had when she's lost it

She is just a user.

Stop being a doormat. She isn’t your friend. Find better ones!

You can't 'dump her' because she's never been a real friend. She made it quite clear from the start that she needed to be with people and that 'you would do' if there wasn't anyone else around. Just stop being available and look at developing a more supportive friendship group where you are valued and treated with respect 💐

Stop always saying yes to her half-arsed invitations and you’ll find she stops asking. And therefore, she’s not a friend. I’m sorry though.

“I feel horrible after interacting with this person. “
Read back what you have written about her ^^.
Don’t spend time with people who make you feel horrible.
She is not your friend. She is using you whenever it suits her.

You need to look up the definition of Friend

honestly I feel horrible after interacting with this person

She sounds awful & she makes you feel bad - this is not a friendship. 'No thanks, I'm busy' should be your next reply to her crumbs of friendship.

Maybe time to read a few empowering books about not giving a shit what other people think, which might help your social awkwardness?

Ooh, ouch!