Sad Grans

[Mebster]

Our DGS has cancer and we've spent more time in hospital with him than his parents, months in total. After three years he's in remission and much improved but we're not included in now frequent family outings and holidays. We've offered to pay. I'm feeling tearful to miss out on fun times. We're not permitted to take him anywhere beyond the local park.

Who is attending these family outings? Is it just your grandson and his parents? If so, that's up to them.Or are other family members being included? How old is your grandson?

That’s so good to hear that he’s in remission.

In terms of the outings and holidays though, I’m not sure why you think grandparents would be invited. We occasionally asked grandparents to come on a day out with us but not often, and definitely not on holidays. Sorry, I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear.
Where do you want to take him?

@SomewhereInBrooklyn

That’s so good to hear that he’s in remission.

In terms of the outings and holidays though, I’m not sure why you think grandparents would be invited. We occasionally asked grandparents to come on a day out with us but not often, and definitely not on holidays. Sorry, I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear.
Where do you want to take him?

Did you read the post? As grandparents they spent more time with their grandchild in hospital than the parents did

Now he’s better the parents don’t want to know, or allow the grandparents to have some happy memories of fun time with their grandchild rather than the memories of the horrible time the grandchild was ill in hospital.by including them on the trips they have

Do you understand now?

Not sure which parent is your child but could you have a quiet word with them? Explain how you feel and how nice it would be if you could be included in sone of the outings, or suggest an outing you would be happy to pay for that they could all come on

@SomewhereInBrooklyn have you never taken your children on a family holiday ? I have been on lots of days out and holidays with my DGC . We like to spend time with them.

Did you read the post? As grandparents they spent more time with their grandchild in hospital than the parents did

That doesn’t mean they get to go on all outings and holidays with them. The parents may just want to be with their children without the grandparents. I’ve said we used to invite grandparents on some outings, of course that’s nice to have family time altogether, but neither us or the kids would have wanted them there more often or on holidays at all.

have you never taken your children on a family holiday ? I have been on lots of days out and holidays with my DGC . We like to spend time with them.

With grandparents, no. My partner and I are very different people to our parents so we’ve done days out fine, but a holiday, absolutely not. That’s not that unusual in my group of friends either. We’ve been on holiday with some of our siblings and children but we are all similarly minded.

we've spent more time in hospital with him than his parents
How come? Was this to enable the parents to work and/or look after other DC? Were you asked/invited to the hospital or did you just turn up as and when?

we're not included in now frequent family outings and holidays
Did you all holiday together pre-cancer?

I'm feeling tearful to miss out on fun times
Don't you have any fun times with other people?

We're not permitted to take him anywhere beyond the local park
So you do actually get to see him then.

I'm answering several of the queries here:
We would never ask to be included on all or even most of the holidays or outings. We would just like to be asked once or even, preferably, to take the grandchildren on an outing or holiday. We would pay but this is not really a factor as they are quite well off.
We spent more time in hospital because the parents didn't want to sleep over with DGS or live with him at rehab. My husband and I were at hospital from 6 p.m. to 10 a.m. for months at a time. He has been seriously ill for three years and in hospital perhaps half that time. We suspended all travel, classes and other activities to be available full time.
Our daughter doesn't work outside the home and her husband works full time from his home office. They have one other child and a very active social life. The older child is quickly reaching an age when he won't need minding. They've already been left on their own a couple times when we were away

Thank you. I've done this before, verbally, but today I sent a note to DD explaining that the trips are meant to erase or dim some of the trauma and we also need that to heal, though we are certainly happy to take the children on our own and pay for the holiday. I'm hoping this will get through to her. Every school holiday is already booked solid for the next year but maybe something will turn up.

Hmm I know In my group of friends it would be unusual for grandparents to go on holidays and they might go on the very rare day out, maybe on a special occasion. Maybe it’s a generational thing. For context, I visit my mum
With the kids every day if not every second day just to say hello but I wouldn’t go on holidays with her. I would consider her as having a good relationship with us and the kids. My last “family” holiday would have been long before I had kids. I wouldn’t be sending my kids on holidays with just her either, and mine are 2 under 2. That’s not to say your feelings are not valid, and you could certainly ask can you, but it also wouldn’t be overly unusual if the parents were not comfortable with it. If they were leaving you out and inviting others in your family the entire time that would be quite different, but if they are doing things themselves I would also consider that perfectly normal to not invite grandparents.

You're not unreasonable at all. I can't understand the people who can't empathise with you, if not for your sake, for your grandchild's. You must have built very strong bonds with him during his illness and its sad for him as well that you only get to do park trips now when there's so much fun stuff he could share with you. I can never understand this type of possessive parenting where they restrict and deprive their child of the company of other adults that love them. Its often just a power trip.

You did an amazing thing, I'm so glad he is recovered. Think about how you will process what has happened, how you will step down from this intensive role and how you will build a relationship for the future with your daughter, her partner and dgc. Don't assume the worst of them. Maintain low key contact, invite them to do something from time to time, show interest in what they are doing even when you are not there. And pick up the pieces of your own life and interests too, start looking forwards again. Your whole family has been under such strain, there will be cracks in relationships, but if you show a little flexibility and tend to the relationship for the long term it will be ok.

Trips to the park and playing with him at home can be just as special. I only ever did those things with my own Grandmother and I think about her every day 40 years later. She was incredible and played with me tirelessly. I have absolutely magical memories of those times.

I never went on holiday with her...we had one memorable trip to town when we went to a cafe for fish and chips and I've never forgotten it!

My other memories are of playing in her garden with her, playing shops in the kitchen....she'd collected paper bags and we filled them with buttons etc for sweets....and sitting by her fire listening to stories of 1920s Liverpool.

No holiday could erase those times.

Thank you. I'm trying to take your advice. We still have the DGC for a sleepover every week at our home and we usually have a wonderful time. Occasionally I get sad after they leave when they're all excited about some upcoming trip or outing, as was the case when I posted. After three years of treatments/hospital I'd given up most of my activities to devote time to DGS. I need to get my own life back on track.

Did you get help to deal with the trauma yourself? As you were the residential carers the hospital should be able to put you in touch with someone in-house.