Under pressure to toilet train severely autistic child. AIBU?

[Dsandnappies]

My DS is 3.5, with a diagnosis of ASD and he has an EHCP. Socially, emotionally and intellectually he functions at around 12-18 months old so is quite delayed. He has limited speech and understanding. Paediatrican has referred to him as being on the severe end of the spectrum.

He's not toilet trained because he's just not ready. He doesn't know when he has been, or needs to go. He has no concept of what a toilet is for. He doesn't recognise when he's wet/dirty. If he can get inside his nappy when he has pooed then he will play with it such is the level of his understanding of it (he has never done this at nursery)

His nursery are putting pressure on me to get him out of nappies. They wanted me to switch him to pull ups and sit him on the toilet constantly every day. I reluctantly agreed for a quiet life because they were insisting he was ready, but I knew it wouldn't work.

I trialled it for a few weeks with no results so reverted back to nappies and stopped putting pressure on him to sit on the toilet every day. I'm expecting another baby in a few weeks so to be honest can do without the additional work when I know he isn't ready.

Nursery manager brought it up again yesterday and I told her he's not ready, she said I have to try again and stick at it because they always want to get the children out of nappies by the time they start school. Personally I think the insistence is driven by them wanting to make life easier for them, not nessecarily DS.

This is a nursery for children with SEN btw, and he will be going to a school for children with with autism.

I know my child better than anybody else. I know he's not ready. He might not be ready for another year, he might still be in nappies at 10. Some children with severe ASD are still in nappies at 15.

WIBU to put my foot down and ask them to back off about it or do you think they're in the right?

Regarding changing nurseries, I'm not sure how easy that would be given that he's currently at a SN one with an EHCP. Would mainstream places even take him now, given his additional needs and the fact that term has already started?

I looked around a couple of local mainstream places before enrolling him where he is, when he was 2, and I will say I wasn't very impressed with them either.

The toddler rooms were small and cramped, not ideal for DS who has alot of energy and likes to run around and explore.

One of them was also keen to stress that they like children to be in active toilet training so that one has been ruled out on that basis alone.

One of the things that sold his current nursery to me, other than the fact they market themselves as a nursery for disabled children, was the fact that it's held in a community centre with a massive hall that leads out into the garden which gives the children loads of space to play in.

Ideally they will drop the toilet obsession and he'll be able to stay put where he's familiar until he starts school next year. He does enjoy it there, as much as they get on my nerves.

Hi @Dsandnappies just wondering how your son is getting on with toilet training now years on? He must be 6/7 now? My son is coming up to 6 and still isn’t toilet trained. He is exactly how you described your son here and although they don’t give levels anymore I would say my son is quite severely autistic. He has come out leaps and bounds in some areas and a year a go he was withholding up to 18 days, now he poops every day on the toilet, he just won’t tell you when he needs to go.

My son is 6 and autistic and still wears pull ups as he refuses to wee in a toilet

I posted on the first page when my son was 3 1/2 at nursery.

He’s now in a specialist ARP age 6 and he’s just succeeded in getting dry. No wet accidents since before Christmas. Still will only poo in a nappy but we’re so proud of him. Thought he might honestly not get it.

School were an amazing support.

Hope you are doing well @Dsandnappies