To be fed up of DPs golfing?

[Mamabearr30]

I'm a part time working mum to a 12 month year old beautiful boy. My son is looked after for free by my mum the 3 days I'm at work which we are incredibly lucky for! Apart from my mum on my working days we pretty much have no childcare apart from very special occasions I.e a good friends wedding as its too much for my mum. Therefore, if we do have any free time its spent as as family or working it between ourselves to go out with friends, exercise etc. However, I need an outsiders perspective on my DP golfing. He has an annual membership (purchased just before we had our son which I found an odd committment) and seems to be using that as an excuse to go a lot. He goes every weekend for 5 hours minimum in which I feel like me and and DS have to work around his Golfing plans. He also either plays 1 more time during the week plus football once a week or 2 times golf. Its not the fact that he's out exercising as I go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week, it's the time spent away from home. My gym sessions last one hour max yet he is away for five hours minimum at a time. Am I being unreasonable?

Presumably he works full time so you have two free days plus gym time, is that less than his golf and football?

Do you get 5 hours child free hobby time?

Selfish git.

My DH plays golf for 5 hours every Saturday morning unless there is a family thing on. I used to enjoy the time taking the kids to the library etc. Now I cycle, get on top of the washing etc. I actually get quite pissed off when he doesn’t play, this is my time!
He also plays badminton twice per week so it all depends on how you look at things!

5 hours is fairly average for 18 holes at the weekend - I think if you have an issue with this that might be a problem, weekends are often competitions so you can't just play 9 holes and leave! It is quite a demanding hobby, if he goes during the week too (we do the same - driving range and perhaps 9 holes depending on the weather!) and does this equal your gym time? Then the 5 hours at the weekend is what you feel excessive?

In all honesty it's nearly the end of golfing season - I think our club has this weekend and two more weeks until it's the proper winter season, so no official competitions until spring next year! If it's the same for your DP, then within a few weeks he probably won't be doing the 18 holes at the weekend so you won't have the 5 hour issue if that helps 😊

Most golf clubs are annual membership (I know you mentioned this), pay to play isn't really cost effective and you can't enter the board comps / get a handicap at some clubs unless you're a member.

I think you could do with sitting down and explaining to him your feelings / plans you'd like to do instead so that when the next season starts next year you're both aware of what you want?

I would start booking 5 hour things on a weekend during DC waking hours every weekend and see if he comments on it?

My DP plays golf every Saturday during the summer as that is when the club competitions are and on a Sunday in the winter league. He also plays once or twice per week for practice. 5 hours is about right for 18 holes (as a 2 or 4 ball), half an hour natter in the club house and travel there and back.

The big difference is we have an empty nest and he only got the membership when the kids were older as he knew what a commitment it was and how his hobby would eat into family time as competitions are always on a weekend. I enjoy my time alone and do whatever I want also.

You definitely need a compromise of sorts, maybe weekend golf every other week or so then there will be opportunities for you to have child free time yourself or family time together?

No, it wasn't an accident that he joined just before the baby arrived.

It's called "forward planning" and is typical behaviour from selfish men who want to avoid new babies/family life/sharing responsibility for the life he created.

You have most likely had your baby with a dud/waster/twat.

This is who he is.

Unlikely to pull his weight and step up, because he is selfish and he will always be inclined to put himself first.

My advice is be very careful.

Don't rush to have a second baby with him.
Keep an account with money in it that he doesn't know about.
Make sure that you maintain your career and even look at going back to work FT.

Men that have the forethought to join a sport like golf just before a baby is born are the very type that will play away.

I'm sorry if that is harsh.

Disregard what I have written if you like, but protecting yourself and being wary is a wise move here.

Bottom line is he wants to limit as much as possible the amount of time he spends with you both.

I'm sorry and hope to be proved wrong.

You definitely need to start taking a lot more time to yourself asap.

Thanks for getting back to me everyone! In response to questions asked
-yes he works full time, however I wouldn't say my two days were particularly free as I'm looking after DS haha! Lovely but comparable with 5 hours with a hobby

• I definitely wouldn't get no more than an hour or so on a weekly basis unless I was going out with friends which has only happened rarely or getting my hair cut and coloured once every couple of months

To the people whose DHs also play golf, that is a very good point about the summer season ending and also I don't think it would bother me so much if DS was older. I just feel like it winds me up if it's a lovely day weather wise and we could be having a spontaneous day out yet he has committed to golf with his mates!

I would take to leaving the house every weekend half an hour before his golf, and staying out for five hours. He’s using you as the default parent, you’re his childcare when he goes golfing, but he’s not seeing it as childcare: he’s seeing it as your job 24/7, not just the 2 days a week you don’t work.

When you go out as a family, are you also in charge of the activity, nap schedule, planning the snacks, packing the nappies, wipes, water cup, Pom bears, book, toy, etc – and carrying it? Are you the one who checks the pram, makes sure you have wet weather gear or sun hat and cream? Do you do all the nights, and meals, and clothes shopping, and doctor and dentist appointments? Do you do all the thinking?

it winds me up if it's a lovely day weather wise and we could be having a spontaneous day out yet he has committed to golf with his mates!

In your shoes I would go and have a spontaneous - or planned! - day out anyway. And stay out all day if you and your son are having fun. His loss!

But I'd also look carefully at @billy1966's advice and ensure that you don't end up as the chief carer with the part-time job earning way less than the Big Man Who Likes To Play Golf...

YANBU. I have DS (similar age) all week. DP works long hours (but WFH mostly) and rarely helps out during the week, so I’m exhausted by the weekend. He already has a 4 hour commitment every weekend, so I had to swiftly put paid to the notion he might also play golf every weekend to!

Why can't you have 5 hours every weekend too? When is your leisure/hobby time?

Just tell him he has Saturday mornings at golf and you'll have Sunday afternoons doing XYZ.

I would love to hear his justification as to why you can't have it?

I used to play golf pretty much every week pre-kids but when my son was born dropped to once a fortnight with my wife taking the equivalent child free time on alternate weeks. It seemed fair and worked for us.

Eight years later and now with two kids I probably play six times a year max. Weekends are now dominated by the kids activities.

Sit down and work out how much hobby / leisure time you each have a week. When you have a 12 month old, looking after them is NOT time off (unless they are a good sleeper and napper and you have some time to yourself when they nap). If they are roughly equal then maybe it's ok, it's just he is taking his in longer chunks.

If he has more than you, then ask him if he thinks it's fair and what he thinks you should do about it.

If he thinks its perfectly fair and wont do anything then you have a selfish wanker on your hands to be honest and this will show itself in other ways and you'll eventually leave him one day when the resentment becomes too much for the relationship.

If he argues it's fair because looking after a baby is easy, then tell him he can have the baby by himself more often because it's so easy. Or say you disagree and dont want to be the default parent so will go up to 5 days at work and he can pick up more share of housework and nursery drop offs and pick ups. If he says you cant afford this, make sure you realise that childcare is a shared expense, and you need to look at long term career prospects and pension rather than just short term finances.

If he isnt a complete shit he will probably say to you to go out more, or cut back (I'm guessing the former). If he doesnt check with you before booking stuff then he either needs to start or you will take the same approach and waltz out the house an hour before he has an important golf game. If he wants to carry on and then you increase your leisure time to match his, then what impact does this have on family time and what does he think about that? How many evenings and how much of the weekend will you spend the three of you and what does he think it should be ideally?

Some men on here live in a parallel universe where having a young child has no impact on their life or what they want to do in their spare time whatsoever. Why bother having kids if that's the approach?

What a coincidence that he magically decided to by an annual pass just before the baby arrived.

Of course he will deny the very idea of it giving him the perfect excuse to fuck off regularly leaving childcare all to you........

@billy1966 😂😂😂 projecting much? Did your fella run off with his golf partner?

You need to talk to him, explain how you feel and that you would like him to cut back on golf and football, and step up with childcare. His reaction will tell you whether he's a) a selfish person who feels entitled to act the way he does, or b) just a bit thoughtless and underestimating the effect of his absences.

If he is type a), then maybe you need to rethink your future with him, and certainly don't have another child with him. If he is type b), there is hope, but he needs to walk the walk, not just talk the talk - empty promises are no help to you.

Finally, as a golf widow myself, I would say that golf is very addictive for some men, and the plus side for me is having time to myself when he plays, but I would feel very differently if we had young children to look after.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Presumably he works full time so you have two free days plus gym time, is that less than his golf and football?

Two free days? Do you mean two days at home with a 12 month old the whole time? That’s…. a completely different thing. I too would go out for 5 hours on a weekend then tell him ‘Darling I’ve started to get quite resentful of your being able to just leave for 5 hours to do something you like. Then I realised it’s not like you’re stopping me, it’s a bit in my head that I can’t and I’m just as able as you, so sorry that it did get to me. But don’t worry your golf is fine, although you might need to rearrange the time sometimes, as I’m just going to take my 5 hirs a weekend to go do something I enjoy. I already feel like a new person just thinking about it. And the time with ds will be lovely for you to bond.’

Talk to him.

Some men think women love looking after babies and it’s a breeze for them.

They don’t realise that it’s hard work and you can barely have a pee alone!

Count up how many hours of ‘out’ time he had. Same for you. Compare. Show him the comparison. Tell him as he had x hours out and you generally only have x he needs to make up the difference -even if you just want to lounge around watching tv or soaking in a bath instead of going out.

He should be fine with that if he’s a reasonable chap.

Re golf, memberships are dear and if I were him I’d want to get my money’s worth from my membership tbh. But it shouldnt be at your expense. And family time is important too. But if he’s booked a day of golf at the weekend he can’t let down his mates. You should both discuss in advance if it’s more than two hours either of you want a pass out for.

And mention if it’s to be nice weather and you want to go to a park as a family or whatever so he knows.

[quote Saucy99]@billy1966 😂😂😂 projecting much? Did your fella run off with his golf partner?[/quote]
No!😂 he doesn't really play, we are all tennis mad here.

Unfortunately there is a type of man that uses sports and hobbies to conviently opt out of family life.

It really isn't a stretch to extrapolate that those that prefer to priortise their hobbies and free time away from their family's, are far more likely to stray.

Similarly men in the office who choose/have to "work late" to avoid family life, always game for an after work drink, are also more likely to stray.

Only IMO!

@timeisnotaline

Excellent suggestion on what to say to him.

Presumably he works full time so you have two free days plus gym time, is that less than his golf and football?

Well since she spends her ‘free days’ taking care of their child, while his are spent golfing without a care in the world, I would say not.

timeisnotaline has it, do what she says.

He’s checking out of family life and choosing mates and golf over family time. Yes you could choose a hobby to do but then you would have no time together.

My DH was like this but now chooses an off peak membership at a cheaper golf club and plays once every 10- 14 days . He cycles ( gone for 2 hours) or goes to the driving range 1 hour tops and we agree that this feels the right balance with young children.

He needs to know that can’t be so greedy with leisure time next year so the club membership won’t be worth the cost...