Teenage behaviour and consequences

[daftoldbat]

13 year old bunked off an out of school activity to meet friends at funfair and turned their phone off for an hour. Casual questioning was met with convincing lying. I'm a bit shocked. I know they weren't at the activity as I drive past the location on the way back from the shops. Wibu to ground them for a fortnight? Constructive suggestions welcome

Don’t be too harsh but definitely consequences. Too harsh can push them into more lying.
I’m no expert, in fact I’m probably a massive screw up as my 15 year old is completely off the rails and I can not do anything fun punish. I wish I’d done somethings differently though.
I can’t ground her, she’ll go out anyway. Can’t take her phone, she’s literally fight me for it, can’t stop her going out, she’ll climb out a window. Can’t make her go to school. It’s a living nightmare and there’s no consequences in place now.
I’m a lot more relaxed now because I have no choice and she is actually more honest and open.

I’m not sure. If it was school I think I might behave differently but as it’s an activity I would be tempted to speak with them frankly and explain if they skip it again you will need to cancel it since you don’t want to pay for hobbies that aren’t being attended.

I would also have a talk about how important it is to be honest around where you are/what you’re doing - if anything were to happen nobody would even know where the child had been.

I don’t think I would ground for 2 weeks, that seems excessive to me. I would perhaps dock pocket money, and like I say I would explain that the activity will be cancelled if this happens again.

What's the activity? Is it enjoyable or money paid for it? Cancel it.

Ime grounding punishes you just as much!!.
Extra chores given out here... And no lifts or cash..
Dd14 skipped school last week by hiding out in bed and I didn't know!! She has had no money this week and no take away.
She hasn't gone out but doesn't usually anyway.

I guess If unpick it a bit. Why did they do it this way? Was the school activity compulsory (in school time)? Or was it because they knew you'd say no to the fair?

Mine are generally good as gold so I'd go down the talking route. But if I'd tried this previously with no joy then grounding and no phone would be the way I'd go. They need to engage with me in a mature way if they want to avoid the whole parent/child/punishment dynamic so I'd be expecting them have talked to me about the fair and reached an agreement.

Sorry out of school not after school. I'd said yes to the fair, but after the activity. It's not missing the activity per se, it's the unsafe behaviour around lying and switching off phone that bothers me.

I’d be tempted to look look at in time. E.g. one hour bunking off a paid for activity = an hour of chores (sweeping leaves, washing car etc)

I’d also speak to them about the need to have phones on so they are contactable in an emergency. I’d make it clear that if there is another time that they choose to turn their phone off/do not communicate their wearabouts then the phone will get confiscated for a weekend.

I would probably not give a punishment although it depends on the child obviously. If all his friends were going to the fair at 5 but he could go until 6:30 then I can understand why he did it.

I’d chat about it and say if it happens again I’d do XYZ punishment. I’d explain that you want to be able to give him more freedom but you need to be able to trust him.

Does he have a tracker on his phone and does he have parental controls on his phone.
Maybe doing a deal with him would be more effective than a punishment if this is out of character for him. Tell him you will be less ‘strict’ and will promise to listen to his point of view ( not saying you are strict) but he needs to always keep his phone on and NEVER lie.
Tell him that if he shows you he is trustworthy then you will be able to give him far more freedom in future.

What is their commitment to school activity - why must they show commitment to it?

is it really your place to enforce that commitment?

Lying about where they were is more of a gray zone punishment wise -- why did they lie? Would you have banned them from funfair ? Why.

xpost... etc. Why is activity so important?

I think I would, when everyone is calm, have a serious talk about the safety implications of not being where you said you would be. Keep it very measured and matter of fact. I would say how I do not appreciate being lied to either. And how the amount of freedom they receive, or earn, is directly related to the amount of trust you have in them. All of this is related to trust and that's why you are disappointed for them that they have screwed up badly on this occasion as they will now have to earn the trust back.

Then I would say that I will not be available to run them to rugby/netball practice (or wherever) for two weeks, just as they were not available to do what they said they would do and were unreliable. And I would not give them permission to go out, the next they really wanted to go somewhere "because the trust isn't there" . Natural consequences. Sounds harsh but they will learn!

I know punishments don't work...I try to avoid power struggles as they are so stubborn.. They are only short term. I'll switch the WiFi off to get them to tidy their room. Its better find out why they missed it and do they just not want to do the activity.

Thanks for the suggestions and comments. I'd already agreed they could go to the fair. I wouldn't have had a problem with them missing the activity for a week but it would have been polite to let the organisers know in advance. We had a calm discussion about it and I think (!) they get the importance of communication. Let's hope.

I honestly think you've handled this really well, OP. ☺️