Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I think my ten year old has ASD, please help

31 replies

Buntinghunting · 25/09/2021 00:19

I can't face the websites where they tell the saddest stories. I just found out that professionals think she has it and I'm in bits. She's intense and eccentric but she's so beautiful and imaginative, I just thought she was herself. I need support but autism sites are too much right now.

Please tell me the best website for me, books to read with her, support groups for her. I don't know what to do with sites talking about extreme behaviours.

OP posts:
DIYandEatCake · 25/09/2021 00:24

The series of books that includes ‘Can you See Me?’ co-authored by Libby Scott is quite good - start with the first one (I can’t remember what it’s called) which is set in year 6. They’re fiction books where the main character is an autistic girl, but have some accessible facts in too.

Tomnooktoldmeto · 25/09/2021 00:28

Hi op my DD is 19 and has ASD, I totally get it , I grieved for the child we thought she was whilst still adoring the girl she became and you know what, that’s ok, cry, grieve get angry if that’s what you need to do

If you come over the the special needs section there are so many friendly faces who can help and support you, it’s a journey and you’re just starting so you need a few guide books

Go look at The curly haired girl, also Aspiengirl if you google they’ll pop up I’m sure others will give you lots of ideas but I didn’t want to leave you alone on a Friday night Cake

DIYandEatCake · 25/09/2021 00:29

And she is still herself, of course - it’s important to remember that all autistic people are different - it’s kind of a way of viewing and interacting with other people, not a personality type. If it helps to reassure you at all, I’m autistic, have a load of qualifications, have been in a relationship for over 20 years and have children and a job I love. Life hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been far from a disaster so far, and I consider myself generally happy.

BlackeyedSusan · 25/09/2021 00:45

sarah hendrixx on you tube was good when I was diagnosed.

just help her live the best life she can. don't worry if she does not manage as much as the poster above, (though she might or more) as long as she finds her niche at her level that makes her hap[py and that she can manage for as long as she can manage it. (much better chance of that now she is diagnosed)

be aware that she might find puberty difficult, It is normal for autistic girls to struggle with their changing body at first. so many sensory issues. and change. (it only took about 20 years to get used to it..)

it is normal to not fit into the same gender stereotypes as NT peers. some of us prefer comfort to fashion that is not comfortable. she will find her own style

it is normal for her to find friends among the boys at school due to different communication styles.

watch out for her being taken advantage of. she might not pick up the subtle cues. teach her the skills she needs in a way she underrstands.

Pillowaddict · 25/09/2021 00:49

My 8 year old was recently diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. She is amazing - bright, funny, creative, kind, generous - she makes me cry sometimes with the way she sees the world as it's so much better than the way I see it! She does struggle with big emotions and sensory issues, but we talk through them and she's brilliant at explaining her thought process and experiences. Your daughter is likely your best teacher, if you can ask her about things that you've likely picked up on given the fact you've reached diagnosis stage. E.g. we ask dd about what makes her agitated, what helps to calm her down, what she needs to be prepared for transitions and the day ahead etc and she tells us at her level - there's loads of info out there about the need for supporting social communication (for us we talk about what could you say if...how could you respond when...) and the need for visual symbols and preparing (we use whiteboards, hanging gym clothes up on P.E days as a prompt) - so you can figure out what works best for her and you as a family. Don't be sad - be pleased you know now, and can help her navigate the world with a map rather than without the knowledge!

BlackeyedSusan · 25/09/2021 00:50

oh and it is completely normal for you to go through the roller coaster of emotions...

and watch out, while you google autism in girls, you may find interesting information that applies to yourself. (which is how I got my diagnosis) (or possibly her dad)

Buntinghunting · 25/09/2021 00:50

Thank you. I'll look these up. When I can stop crying, so pathetic

OP posts:
Branleuse · 25/09/2021 00:54

She sounds brilliant. Most of my favourite, most creative, funny and passionate people I know are autistic women.

Youcancallmeval · 25/09/2021 01:01

She is still your wonderful dd. Jennifer Cooke O'Toole is worth a read, a woman with a late diagnosis.

Nottogetapenny · 25/09/2021 01:13

There is a amazing little video on YouTube Amazing Things Happen - by Alexander Amelines. She still is and always will be your beautiful, imaginative daughter.

SpringCrocus · 25/09/2021 01:15

I can't suggest any. My children, all ASD, have. made all our family life v difficult. So I'm not going to sugar coat life for you by suggesting

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 25/09/2021 01:17

It is just a neurological difference, her brain works slightly differently. It’s a neurotype rather than a deficit. Try to think of it as learning more about the way she thinks and who she is.

Buntinghunting · 25/09/2021 01:20

She's passionate about the natural world and wants to be a paleontologist/conservationist. The odds are against that because she's dyslexic which seemed bad enough. I'm terrified she will be a sitting duck for anyone. She won't know.

I was terrified about this when she lost all her words when she was two, then I thought we'd dodged it. I know it's just a different way of being and just as amazing but I just don't want her to suffer. She's really good at being quietly miserable and then when she's happy she's so surprisingly loudly happy. But it's getting harder to arrange that.

Are there other children like her gathering somewhere safe?

OP posts:
WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 25/09/2021 01:27

She sounds like my dd.

My ds was diagnosed eight years ago and dd is going through diagnosis now.
I was diagnosed two years ago.

What I would say is that it is brilliant that it’s being recognised. Knowing she is autistic will really help her and you. The biggest deal for me was growing up feeling there was something wrong with me because I didn’t know I was autistic or how to work with my quirky brain.

Your dd has all the support in the world from you, it’s obvious how much you love her. Being autistic won’t stop her achieving. My dsis is dyslexic and very successful. One of my good friends is dyslexic and has a first class degree from Cambridge.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 25/09/2021 01:29

I’m not minimising how you feel. I cried when ds was diagnosed. Just trying to say that it doesn’t mean your dd can’t have a bright future. She sounds lovely.

Buntinghunting · 25/09/2021 01:29

Thank you for telling me that.

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 25/09/2021 01:38

My daughter was diagnosed a few years ago and I struggled a lot with it.
So much so that we didn’t tell her, hoping there would be a right time.
I also didn’t want to believe it, thinking her different or sensitive instead.
I realise I will have to speak to her about it, I worry as she is easily taken in by others and desperate to mask.
Sorry to not have great story or version of how I did or coped. I was crap and am crap.
I hope you fare better

BlackeyedSusan · 25/09/2021 01:42

@Buntinghunting

Thank you. I'll look these up. When I can stop crying, so pathetic
not pathetic. stop that putting yourself down thing right now. crying is ok and a perfectly understandable reaction.
Witsended · 25/09/2021 01:43

Hi Bunting, I'm an autistic woman. I won't lie, life has been a struggle at times but I have a family and a career and get on just fine. DH is dyslexic and does very well in a career that you wouldn't think a dyslexic person would thrive in.

I only found out I was autistic (and received a diagnosis) in my 30s. I went through life knowing I was different but never knowing why. I tried to conform to neurotypical expectations which just led to meltdowns. Try to look at this as a positive. Finding out young means you can put in place mechanisms to help her through life. I know my triggers now, I don't feel I need to push myself past them. My family understands if I need to leave the table early rather than forcing me to stay. That's just one example.

I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes but I hope it reassures you that she can still thrive.

She's still the same person she's always been. Finding out she's autistic won't change that Smile

Being aware and being supportive will make a world of difference though

BlackeyedSusan · 25/09/2021 01:48

when dd was diagnosed it was a relief and I felt vindicated as many did not believe she was autistic although it was clear to the assessor. in other words we are all different and all going to have a different reaction to the news. I certainly felt very different about it when someone suggested that she was autistic when she was three as I did not see it then. a professional dismissed this opinion during a different assessmentand I was relieved that it was something else. looking back I think if only we had known then it would have saved a lot of issues.

see. lots of feelings, at different times. yours are ok too and will probably go through the whole rollercoaster ride of different things.

SpringCrocus · 25/09/2021 04:10

Try looking up Dara O'Brian? He is an Autistic, teenage, inspirational author

toooothacheee · 25/09/2021 04:33

I've been on a bit of a journey with my daughter who is now 4.

When she just turned 3 her school nursery expressed concerns about social communication, speech and language and development.

I was absolutely shocked as I'd only been aware and focused on her speech delay, nothing else even crossed my mind.

They arranged for assessments and observations and she was subsequently diagnosed with autism at 3 and a half.

It's been a hard year full of ups and downs and emotion but ultimately she's still the same person she always was.

We understand her needs much better and she has a huge amount of support available to her in school. They adapt the class routines and the lesson plan for her and wrap her in cotton wool when she needs it.

When she's having good days they leave her to run free and do whatever activities she wants around the classroom to help her feel comfortable and settled.

I would stay away from the internet/websites etc if it's bothering you and chat to real people with real experiences. I remember the early days of reading way too much and feeling like it was almost a death sentence, no quality of life, which is crazy because it absolutely isn't like that. And for most people it's just about finding their own way that's different to the majority.

A year ago my daughter was described as non verbal. She only had about 5-10 words and they weren't clear at all. There was no actual conversation or communication at all. Poor eye contact and refusal to respond to her name. Constant melt downs. Couldn't play near other children never mind with them. Rigid routines with no room for movement. It was hard going especially on my other child. I was told to research special schools as the gap was too huge and constantly widening between her and her peers.

A year down the line she has stayed in mainstream school and just started reception. She is talking properly, jumbled, but actually having conversations and her language has improved way beyond our expectations. She is playing with other children. Joining in lessons. Meltdowns are rare. Willingness to deviate from the routine. She's just doing amazing and it's all down to early intervention and working with her closely to find her way of getting there.

Don't get me wrong. There are still hard days and she is clearly affected by autism and struggles with many things, but we are also a million miles from where we were last year. I have every faith she will reach her full potential and go on to do amazing things.

If you are on social media Christine McGuinness is very positive and open about her children and their lives with autism. I find medical websites so cold and factual, but real people are the ones living it and know what you are going through.

chipshopElvis · 25/09/2021 06:32

It's hard OP. My son was diagnosed this year and the strength of my emotions took me by surprise, I sobbed for days. Other people were taken aback because "he's still the same child, nothing has changed" which is true of course but the diagnosis changes your perspective.

Don't read the scary Internet pages, I did and that was part of the problem. I've found comfort in watching adult autistic You Tubers taking about their experiences and view on autism. This really helped me, especially when I thought I should be doing things like pushing for social skills training etc. They helped me realise that might be a bit pointless.

You're allowed to be upset, but you will also pick yourself up and get on with life with your lovely daughter.

ofwarren · 25/09/2021 07:07

@SpringCrocus

Try looking up Dara O'Brian? He is an Autistic, teenage, inspirational author
It's Dara McAnulty Dara O'Braian is a comedian.
Swipe left for the next trending thread