If you have an unhappy child/adult child, do you understand?

[SandraOhh]

I don't think this thread will make any sense, my inner ramblings.
Do you kid yourself they're just going through a phrase? Im unhappy and have been for years. Sometimes I think DM thinks it's all not that serious. I hope mumsnet doesn't move this thread.

How old are you?

it depends on age and circumstance.

My eight year old was unhappy today as her friend got a sticker and she didn't. I understood why she felt like that because she had been trying hard at school.

My 25 year old was depressed last August because she was lucky enough to avoid being made redundant at her place of work (abroad and thousands of people had been made redundant in her company) and she had chosen to take unpaid leave for 3 months and come back to the U.K,, still keeping her rent free apartment where she was living. She lived here rent free, had her meals cooked for her, washing done yet she felt she was at the lowest point in her entire life. I'm not going to lie I really struggled to to continuously feel sympathy for her when both mine and Dh business was going under and home schooling two small children due to covid.

So its all relative really. How long have you been feeling like this and why?

My kids are small so it's usually easy to figure out their woes. As an adult, my mother can only understand where I'm at if I communicate it to her. Sometimes she knows how I feel, but I don't tell her everything, sometimes because its private to me, sometimes to prevent her worrying. But I tell her the important stuff.
Do you communicate with your mother?

Are you ‘unhappy’, or are you depressed? How is tour relationship with your mother generally? Do you live with her?

What do you mean by unhappy? What are you expecting your mum to do about it?

Are you an adult? What do you think your mother should be doing about your unhappiness?

Depends on how old are you.
My 11 years old is going through not an easy time in her life. It’s all happy on outside, but I know that she can cry in her bed, feel miserable, ect. She is a skillful artist and does draw scary pictures. She does prefer being on her own with her gadgets and her drawings.
Even I do understand she is going through hormonal changes, therefore mood swings and often feeling misery, I wish she did talk to me more and was more open about it, as all I want is to support her.
Try to talk to your mum. Just sit her down and say how it’s very important for you. I wish my daughter could do it.

I understand that life is not always spent on an even keel. Once you are an adult the main thing to remember that although parents can/may understand your unhappiness, it’s up to you to do something about it.
First try a gratitude journal. Wherever you are in life there’s always something positive to see. Change your attitude and you will see a shift.

My 27 Yr old has chronic mental health problems due to her dad's violence and my inability to prioritise her when she was small. I've since broken out of the abuse, and she and I are working through it together. It's not easy, but we're a work in progress.

I feel for you...I have a had a less than stellar few years and feel like everytime I try to make changes for the better something comes along and puts a spanner in the works.

My mum and I are very different characters and she has had a massive impact into the things that have led to me being unhappy and unfulfilled. It's not her fault as such, she has issues of her own that have had a knock on effect, and there's been times I should have put my big girl pants on and stood up to her.

She doesn't get it though. If I tell her what my issues are, she's always got the same or worse going on and does very little to help herself, just wants someone (me) to swoop in and fix everything, which just isn't possible.

We lost my dad this year and she is completely unable to support/understand my grieving as she's too wrapped up in her own (when she's not whinging about the bloke she fancies not messaging ).

Well i understand why my kids are unhappy - they’re kids. Sometimes it’s because I’ve given my youngest a green cup when he wanted blue, sometimes it’s cause my eldest has had a falling out with her friend, sometimes it’s because my middle one doesn’t understand why he’s left out of things other kids are doing. If they were unhappy in the long term I’d find out what was wrong and look to resolve it.

When they become adults that will change. I’ll offer advice and support where I can but it’s not up to me to make their life better when they’re adults, they need to put in the work for that.

My kids are small and happy, but I know this situation from my brother and our parents. My brother is now happy and content, but that took until his mid thirties, three years of therapy and my parents never understood, probably because they were the cause.

Nothing my brother did was good enough, meanwhile I was praised for the mundane and average performance. My dad especially never really accepted my brother as an independent person and always wanted him to be someone he could live vicariously through. Thinking back I remember my brother, as a child, searching for some form of validation or praise, he rarely got any and when he did there was always a caveat, a "That's good, but...". Out mum was different, but equally bad, she used to interrogate my brother, before he went out, who was he seeing, where was he going, when was he going to be there, why was he going, when he got back he would get the same, this might have been reasonable when he was 12, but not at 22 and she would still try to do it when he had moved out. She used to interrogate him on his school days every day and he did not want to talk about it, he had just lived it.

Our parents never understood my brother, I don't think they ever tried. I wish they had as they would have realised what a lovely, caring and amazing man he is.

I am increasingly interested the theory that having a child is a totally selfish act because it enforces a life onto someone who never asked for it. What if they have a horrible time of it and are never happy? What if they endure a life filled with suffering and angst? Maybe this is why so many people blame their parents for all their woes. After all, they never asked to be born.

@AmandaHoldensLips and how does one ask a non existent person if they’d like to be born? 🤣🤣🤣

@AmandaHoldensLips

I am increasingly interested the theory that having a child is a totally selfish act because it enforces a life onto someone who never asked for it. What if they have a horrible time of it and are never happy? What if they endure a life filled with suffering and angst? Maybe this is why so many people blame their parents for all their woes. After all, they never asked to be born.

Nothing wrong with having children, not inherently selfish either, but they keybis how you raise them. We all know the obvious kinds of bad parents, but there is also a more insidious kind, the ones who want to live vicariously through their children, the ones who see their children as an extension of themselves and a way to validate themselves. Children are their own people and some (quite a few really) parents do not recognise that, those people are bad parents.

I know what you're saying, but I think that people are pretty much born into their personality (as in it's mainly nature and some nurture). Some people are born clever and talented, some struggle through every little thing. And life does seem to be so much harder in these times.

Years ago it seemed so much easier to get a secure job and to be able to afford decent living standards. Now it's impossible for so many young people, and then we have the toxicity of social media, porn, etc etc.

I am so grateful that my kids all grew up and are generally okay. But now? I'd be very worried about bringing a child into such a fucked up world. It's young people who have talked to me about the "nihilism" theory that it's selfish to have kids. And I find it hard to argue with their logic.

Depression. She knows some of it. But I don't think she gets it. I think she thinks I have unrealistic expectations of life. I don't talk to her about it anymore. How do you tell your mother who sacrificed so much to raise you, that whilst you love her and recognise her sacrifice, you really wish she hadn't bothered and it wasn't worth it when you were the end result.

How do you tell your mother who sacrificed so much to raise you, that whilst you love her and recognise her sacrifice, you really wish she hadn't bothered and it wasn't worth it when you were the end result

Well you don’t, is probably the short answer.
Are you getting help for your depression? Medication, counselling?

Depression. She knows some of it. But I don't think she gets it. I think she thinks I have unrealistic expectations of life. I don't talk to her about it anymore. How do you tell your mother who sacrificed so much to raise you, that whilst you love her and recognise her sacrifice, you really wish she hadn't bothered and it wasn't worth it when you were the end result

you don't tell her. Depression is clinical. Only and maybe a professional can understand and advice or give you any tips or treatment. Family can't fix this even with the best of wishes.

@SandraOhh

Depression. She knows some of it. But I don't think she gets it. I think she thinks I have unrealistic expectations of life. I don't talk to her about it anymore. How do you tell your mother who sacrificed so much to raise you, that whilst you love her and recognise her sacrifice, you really wish she hadn't bothered and it wasn't worth it when you were the end result.

Why would you tell her that? I have been mentally unwell and unfortunately it does have the tendancy to make one quite self centred. What is it you want from her? Saying that would just hurt and nothing else.

Are you my sister?

I've been depressed before, so I don't doubt it's a serious medical condition requiring appropriate medical intervention, it was for me. I also think some people's personalities and some people's life events make them more prone to suffering from it and some of that is beyond individuals control. However, equally some people really DO have 'unrealistic expectations of life' and people do need to be committed to changing their quality of life (through engagement with treatment etc) and ultimately do need to take some responsibility for themselves and dare I say it, their own happiness and wellbeing. Most people aren't 'happy' all the time and nor should we be. Once I learnt tools to see my whole life in the round and appreciate what I do have, that really was part of recovering for me. Of course I had talking therapies and support from loved ones to help with me with all that too but I did have to do a lot of graft and I still do have to evaluate my thoughts when they start going awry and nobody could do that part of things for me.

I can tell my DD is unhappy as she doesn’t like going to school but I don’t really know what to do about it. I have got her support at school and talk to her about it a lot but I still don’t know how to solve the problem or make things better for her. Sometimes people don’t know how to help.

I can tell my DD is unhappy as she doesn’t like going to school but I don’t really know what to do about it. I have got her support at school and talk to her about it a lot but I still don’t know how to solve the problem or make things better for her. Sometimes people don’t know how to help.

Switch schools? Homeschool? If that's not an option, treat school like a job to do and don't demand her to be pleased about it - many people dislike their jobs, managers and colleagues but income is what matters.

I went through bouts of depression and what I now widely see described as anxiety - but never seemed to be discussed at that time - when I was a kid. I dreaded school even though I wasn’t bullied (well I was at primary but not secondary) and performed well/ acceptably academically. I just Fucking hated getting out of bed some days. I would cry a lot. Im sure it was hormones but I’m also inclined to depression. Even now, I’m much happier but I go through strong bouts of depression and anxiety. I’ve never sought help for it because I don’t think it’s serious enough or maybe I just talk myself down from it. I definitely get it from my mum. We have only just started to open up to each other about it. When I was a kid my moods seemed to anger and frustrate her. She was a busy woman with her own shit going on but I never felt I could talk to her. I have intimacy issues to this day. I don’t want to pile blame on her. It was so hard for me but it must have been hard for her too. I worry about the future with my own kids. I dread them feeling that way.

Not my child or myself but my DB. We don’t kid ourselves he is going through a phase, we know he is depressed and unhappy. However we can only engage with that for periods of time.

I don’t mean this to sound cruel, but constant unhappiness is hard to be around, it’s draining so sometimes when I see him, I just point blank refuse to engage with him on this.
I am sure this is both hard and hurtful for him. However it is either that or I see him much less.

I hope I would understand
And I would do everything I could to help
But I also think there’s a chance that for my own self preservation I might tell myself it’s a phase and it will get better so it’s not as painful for me