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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I suspect friend became an alcoholic

10 replies

bluebellonthehill · 24/09/2021 22:38

Advise please, wise Mumsneters if you or someone in your circles been in a similar situation.
I have reasons to believe my friend is an alcoholic. She is a mum of 4 with a full time job (youngest is 4). A few years ago she and her husband went through a very rough patch which nearly broke the marriage. I think she might have started drinking then. At that stage I think she was just numbing the pain and trying to get through each day the best she could. Then lockdown came and I think drinking has escalated both in quantity and frequency. I haven't seen much of her during that time, but every time we met she smelt of alcohol even from a distance , her face swollen and red. The worrying thing is that she drives everywhere with a car full of kids. She appears cheerful enough and functioning.
Her husband works away a lot so she's handling the kids and the big house mostly alone. She asked for my cleaning lady to help her around the house, she went there this week and cleared nearly 200 empty bottles.
She is hiding that she has a drinking problem but this is becoming apparent to everyone else around her. I haven't said anything but I believe she would deny it if I asked.
I am seriously concerned for her and her children. It's like watching a trainwreck unfold and not knowing what to do. What can I do to help before it's too late. What help is available? Can GP help? I don't think she is in a position herself yet to seek help and would deny there is anything wrong or that she is drinking too much. No one in my family drank and i'm not a big drinker myself so don't know what to do or what it's like.
I don't want to interfere in her life but I don't want her to ruin hers or her kids either.
Thank you for reading.
Any advice gratefully received xx

OP posts:
Stickystickystick · 24/09/2021 22:52

Really nice of your cleaning lady to report back to you about the empty bottles in your friend’s house.

bluebellonthehill · 24/09/2021 23:03

@Stickystickystick

Really nice of your cleaning lady to report back to you about the empty bottles in your friend’s house.
I guess she was shocked and genuinely concerned. She's been with us for years and she knew she was going to my friend's house. She doesn't talk about the other people she cleans for.
OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 24/09/2021 23:08

Can you speak to your friend? In the first instance?

RandomMess · 24/09/2021 23:09

Speak to the school safeguarding person. They may have suspicions anyway?

DrunkMummy · 25/09/2021 01:05

I'm an alcoholic and have been sober now for nearly 9 years, so I hope my perspective may give you some insight. I’ve NC’d for this, for obvious reasons.

I know that at least one of my friends had become aware that I was drinking a lot and at times which were not appropriate and I now know that she discussed these concerns with my DM and DSis, who were also both already worried themselves. My DH was blinkered to how bad things had become and was dealing with a lot of work related stress at the time. Had my friend tried to talk to me about my drinking, I'm sure I would have been defensive, would have denied it was anywhere near as bad as she thought and would have rejected any offer of help.

As it was, my DM stepped in - prompted by my friend having called her. My DM sat me down and told me that if I carried on drinking as I was, she would report me to SS herself, would have my DC live with her and I would be dead within a year or two and my children would barely remember me.

I made all the right noises, promised to stop, but still kept telling myself "it's fine, everyone drinks, it's normal". My drinking behaviours became sneakier and I struggled to manage 'life' - I had to start walking the kids to school as I was too drunk/hungover to drive, so had to lie about why I hadn't taken the car, I even snuck out from the office to drink vodka in a park one lunchtime. I was out of control.

Within a month my DM turned up again, I arrived home to find that she and DH had spent the afternoon having a heart to heart, and the next day I spoke to my boss and arranged a 3 month sabbatical, and my DC and I moved in with my DM, 150 miles away.

I registered with a local alcohol charity and found details for AA groups, Mutual Aid Partnership Meetings, Women's Addiction groups and 1-2-1 Counselling. I attended a group or a meeting each week day and my DM bought a breathalyser and tested me twice a day. I knew that this was my last chance, and if I blew it, I would be moving home without my children - and would probably lose my DH too.

Your friend isn't going to stop drinking until she's a) ready, or b) more scared of losing what she'll lose if she continues to drink, than of losing the alcohol itself.

Is your friend close to her own DM and is she someone you feel you could approach about this? If so, I would do so - and would say what you've said here; that if you've noticed you're concerned that others (school, SS) will also become aware and you want to offer her help before irreparable damage is done. Hopefully her DM would be able to broach the subject with your friend's DH, then the 3 of you can stage an intervention - an unexpected (by the subject) meeting of concerned parties to raise an issue which the subject is trying to avoid, with the aim of getting them to face up to something. You will need to have a list of contact numbers for Alcohol and Addiction groups, some websites she can use and ask her DH to make her a GP appointment for the day after the intervention, so she has to follow things up immediately. You will need to lay it out to her, exactly what she is at risk of losing (everything).

I can't promise you that this will work, but it worked for me and I have always been the biggest drinker I know. In the beginning, I felt as if without alcohol, nothing would ever be fun, ever again (how sad is that?!) That's why in AA they say "one day at a time". I love my life now - DH and I have been together for 20 years and having been through my alcoholism and recovery, I know we can deal with anything now. Our DC don't have any memories of "Drunk Mum" (for which I am very thankful), but they are aware of my addiction history and the genetic predisposition they now have (I have since learned that both of my Grandmothers were alcoholics, as is my biological DF). Our DC appreciate that if their Dad has a few pints after football, then in an emergency they will always have a sober DM to deal with things - and I like being that person, the one who can be relied on to be sober, and I never thought I'd be saying that!

Whatever you decide to do, I feel sure you need to talk to someone involved about it, as I know that if something happened and I hadn't, I would feel shitty. It's incredibly hard to know what to do for the best without knowing those involved, but I wish you, your friend and her family all the best.

AnnieSnap · 25/09/2021 01:52

I was going to reply, but there can be no better advice than that given by @DrunkMummy

caketiger · 26/09/2021 03:45

If you suspect that they are driving over the limit you Must report them. This isn't just about them and their family it's about if they kill other Innocent pedestriana and road users.

My mum was an alcoholic until the day she took out a brand new driver who passed their test the day before. No one was injured. She never drank again.

oohlalabonbons · 26/09/2021 03:53

@AnnieSnap

I was going to reply, but there can be no better advice than that given by *@DrunkMummy*
Absolutely agree - listen to the incredibly wise advice from *@DrunkMummy*
spicedappledonuts · 26/09/2021 04:07

I agree the advice from @DrunkMummy is excellent.
Mumsnet is really worth being part of sometimes.

aLifetimeAgo · 26/09/2021 06:43

Name changed.

My friend took me to emergency department of where they admit alcohol dependants-or overdosed patients (GP advised my friend to take me as GP said she is no longer able to help, how sad is that). A Doctor at the emergency said they have to confiscate my bag so I don't sneak in alcohol I said ok can I please just keep my juice bottle, to which he agreed.

My juice bottle was half filled with vodka...so I could still drink whilst they were assisting me...! when I got discharged the first place I went to is off licence.. to buy more alcoholSad

I don't drink now but looking back no one could have made me stop, no one. It was only when I was ready to do so myself.
I had no family nearby, so if your friend has some then you should lean on them.

Good luck to your friend, it's a horrible thing.

It's a painkiller to numb whatever pain she's going through. I would say until a person has dealt with that pain then it would be very hard to give up their painkiller.

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