Would you post this on the class group

[Amdramfan]

Hi all,

I very aware that children need to learn to have thick skin and that I cannot rescue them all the time, nor wrap them in cotton wool. Children need to learn how to deal with times when people can be unkind. This is especially true for my children who have sen and disabilities. Life is not always going to be fair to them.

My dd opened up to me that in pe she fell over the jumping stick things (like reverse limbo) on the lowest setting. She has a disability and poor eyesight but can do some things like this fine sometimes. However depending on the activity she may struggle. Anyway the other children managed to jump the higher settings. When dd fell some members of the class apparently laughed and began making fun of her. She said this carried on into other lessons with children saying how rubbish she was etc..

Dd can be a bit wo is me at times and feels it deeply when she is teased.

I spoke to her about her strengths and ignoring them and that often people will be hurtful without realizing or that people are unkind in this life and we need to rise above. She told the teachers at the time but not much was done.

The thing is kids are like this sometimes and I'm sure the teacher has seen or heard it a million times over. I just feel so sad for dd. She is going through a hard time with her mental health and I don't want this to push her further into a hole. Its hard to hear your kids have bern made fun of and I feel especially protective as she is disabled.

The other class mums are lovely and I'm sure would be unhappy to hear there kids were doing this. But it feels a bit ott to say this to them. But I really want to in a way so the kids learn to be kinder. I'm sure the other children have experienced similar but it knocks my dd sideways when perhaps other children are a bit more resilient.

Aibu here. What would others do?
Thanks

No, don't put it on the parents chat. Arrange a meeting with the teacher in person. Explain what is happening and how it affects your DD. Ask how the school will deal with the situation.

I would

I’d go to the school, and in fact that is what I have done because one of my children struggles in PE too for a few reasons that they understand and try to accommodate. In your DD’s case she has a disability and I think the teacher should know that the disability makes her struggle and that other children are laughing about it.
You could mention it in passing to a few Mums or Dads at pick up when you’re chatting but I wouldn’t send it to the group, no.

My general rule is “if it happens in school then let the school deal with it”. If your DD is still unhappy about it, speak to the school and they can decide whether they need to do anything further. But it’s not going to go down well if you post in a group chat that other people’s children are unkind/need to be kinder!

No I wouldn't, I'd just go to the school.

Agree I'd just go straight to the school.
I wouldn't want to start/get involved with other children's mums about stuff like that as, even though it's wrong, it won't go down well.

I’m not sure the parents are even in a situation to correct this. It needs to be handled swiftly at the time the children are laughing. Thus it’s a situation that needs to be handled by the teacher.

I am very careful to teach my child about kindness, particularly with those who are vulnerable in some way. He would probably take this on board and make sure he wasn’t one of the children who were unkind. But he is a pretty sensitive child. He has a great swathe of classmates who just wouldn’t give a shiny shit about the parents asking them to be kind. They’d shrug I’d off and carry on regardless.

I wouldn't.

I would perhaps mention it to a couple of Mums and Dads that you're friendly with in person, I'd absolutely say to my kids that your DD finds things harder than most and that we should be supportive and stick up for her if other kids are being mean.

I'd also go to the school, something needs to change.

I wouldn't. Parents can give all the "be kind" talks they like at home, but it's a different story in the classroom. It's the teacher you need to speak to.

I'd go to the school and make sure that this is dealt with. As an aside, I'd also try to stop using the word "teasing" about this sort of behaviour. This is bullying, and a particularly nasty form of it at that. Don't minimize it, and don't let anyone else do so.

@FreeBritnee

I’m not sure the parents are even in a situation to correct this. It needs to be handled swiftly at the time the children are laughing. Thus it’s a situation that needs to be handled by the teacher.

I am very careful to teach my child about kindness, particularly with those who are vulnerable in some way. He would probably take this on board and make sure he wasn’t one of the children who were unkind. But he is a pretty sensitive child. He has a great swathe of classmates who just wouldn’t give a shiny shit about the parents asking them to be kind. They’d shrug I’d off and carry on regardless.

My DS told one of classmates recently he was being mean and to stop picking on the girl in the year below. She told her Mum who told me which I thought was lovely. So important to teach children kindness and empathy especially for the vulnerable.

She told the teachers at the time but not much was done.

The thing is kids are like this sometimes and I'm sure the teacher has seen or heard it a million times over.

If they’ve seen it a million times then they have strategies for dealing with and stamping out unkind behaviour.

Yea, talking to your DD about resilience is good. But school need to come down hard on this, and your DD needs to feel heard and supported whilst in school, not just at home.

If you were the mum of a child in my class, and you mentioned to me in person that there had been teasing, I would definitely have a word with my child quietly at home. But if you put it on the class WhatsApp I’d perhaps react differently- it tends to make people feel scolded, I think.

So, speak to school. And then mention it in person to other parents if you see them.

I have seen people post such things about kids being mean (not naming names) on group chats, and I don't think it helps, other than perhaps for that parent to vent their spleen at the time. It doesn't necessarily communicate to the parents whose children are doing it that they should take action, as they have probably no idea, and think it is someone else's child.

Completely pointless going to the parents. They're not there to stop it and even if they do speak to their children, all that happens is that the children are now pissed off because their parents are lecturing them. The bullying then just goes underground/gets more intense.

Speak to the school. If your daughter has a disability and during PE she is not getting support, both physical and emotional, they are letting her down. In DS' class there's a boy with a disability and at sports day he gets to go first etc, and woe betide any child who makes a comment or laughs at him if any of the teachers hear or see it.

Don’t mention it in the group chat but speak to the teacher. And encourage DD to tell the teacher when it happens, the teacher is the best person to react quickly and deal with it in the moment.

Parents won’t want to believe their children are being unkind so it’s unlikely to have much effect in the chat anyway, everyone will assume it’s about someone else’s child.

How old is your DD?

To a degree, I agree with you that they need to learn resilience. I have 2 kids, one without SEN, who would absolutely laugh at herself being rubbish and wouldn't let it bother her, and the other with SEN who would be really upset. I think the difference is the one without SEN is not a natural athlete, but is very good at a lot of other things, so she can afford to laugh at herself, because she knows she has other strengths elsewhere. Whereas DS struggles in most areas, so he is a lot more sensitive about being perceived to be "rubbish" at things.

I agree that you should speak to the school. When DS has done things in the past towards other kids (lashing out etc), the school have come to me directly and we (and they) have dealt with it. If a parent had called him out on a group whatsapp (or even approached me in the playground) I would have felt even more awful. As it happens, it's a small school, so if I find out about something, I will usually approach the other parent anyway and apologise, but I think I would feel very defensive if they came straight at me or sent accusatory messages to a large group of parents.

I voted YANBU because you are not unreasonable to be upset or angry, and would not be unreasonable to want to, or to post it on the group.

However, I think your best option would be to approach the school directly, and ask them to ensure this issue doesn't occur again, or that they deal with it if/when it does.

I feel for you. I have two teenagers who struggle with PE and are so sensitive to criticism, or even gentle teasing from others. As a result, they've both been withdrawn from PE as it is/was a huge trigger for them.

Bullying is never okay, disability or not.

I'd say it to the school, but not the parent chat.

Absolutely don’t put this on a parent’s group chat. It won’t help your dd. You need to talk to the school as a starting point.

I’d either stay silent or say something along the lines of the following with the parents of her friends rather than the group chat: ‘Just to let you know there have been a couple of incidents in PE, where the teachers haven’t been looking after dd properly and she’s hurt herself. I’ve had strong words with the school but LittleAmDram is a bit shaken up and cross with herself. Could you just ask (your dc) to let the teachers know if she’s upset so they can look after her. Thanks.’

Then if the parents respond, you can explain about the laughing and say, it’s difficult for your dd to realise it wasn’t malicious but because the other kids don’t understand or were embarrassed.

It’s non judgmental and asking for help.

Does your dd have a care plan?

Agree with all others, speak to the school. Children need to learn it is not ok to laugh and pick on others - with or without special needs. I'm surprised they weren't pulled up on it by the teacher at the time. Why should your poor daughter have to put up with that?

Speak to the school. Keep it out the chat.

Speak to the teacher and ask if this can be thought about in a Personal Development type lesson.

Don't deal with it with parents direct.

I would maybe talk to the class teacher instead

feels it deeply when she is teased.

I know that it is very unfair, I also know that people only tease when they get a reaction. Encouraging your DD to not gratify their worst instincts by giving them the reaction they seek would really help her.