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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Late partner being sidelined - AIBU?

31 replies

Maskless · 24/09/2021 09:57

Some years ago my partner, a classical musician, recorded his first CD. On it he played duets with another musician, a friend he'd played with since their uni days.

They were equals on the CD - let's say violinist and cellist as an example (that is not what they were) - with a photo of both as equals on the sleeve and with equal billing, names in same size and font etc and any profit split 50-50.

After my partner died, the other musician found another duet partner and as his career progressed they became well known and made a string of CDs which have sold well.

He has now re-issued that first CD.

However the sleeve shows photos only of him on the front and the back, and my late partner has been obliterated. The original CD showed their names in a way that billed them as equals, but he's changed it from "John Jones and James Smith" (not their real names) to JOHN JONES bold and big, and then in a much smaller, thinner, and italic font, underneath, it reads "with James Smith".

I feel this is disrespectful and also twisting history. 'James' played on that CD as an equal in a duet. He would never have accepted being billed in such a way as to make him look like a mere accompanist.

'John' says I am being over-sensitive due to my grief. He wanted to use up-to-date and professionally-taken photos on the cover and (obviously) 'James' wasn't alive to pose for them. As for the unequal billing, 'John' says his name is famous now, and that is what will sell the CD. Therefore his name should feature more boldly, (But of course 'James' never became famous because he died whilst the pair were on the path to fame.)

My late partner only ever made that one CD, and it hurts me so much to see his name shrunken to a mere accompanist, and his photo completely obliterated.

(BTW this isn't about money. I'm not a beneficiary of the proceeds of the CD.)

In a video 'John' was interviewed about the progress of his career and yet he did not mention 'James', with whom he was best mates and duet partner for the first ten years of it. It's like he never existed. 'John' says it would have spoiled the jolly, up-beat tone of the interview to talk about his dead ex partner.

I feel that it's bad enough that 'James' did not live long enough to enjoy the fruits of his hard work over the years without airbrushing him out of the few things he did do.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 24/09/2021 10:02

Yanbu. Disrespectful and crass.

purpleme12 · 24/09/2021 10:03

Oh gosh I can totally see why you'd be upset

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 24/09/2021 10:06

I'm so sorry for the loss of your partner.

That said: this is just basic marketing; please try not to read it as a judgement on your partner. A CD cover is a marketing tool, not a historical document or a means of apportioning credit. "John" is correct that if he is the name now, what will sell the CD is for his name to be prominent. Most likely his label wouldn't even let him do it the way you want, because it would be suicidal commercially and they aren't in the business of spending thousands they won't recoup. And ultimately John's career is now his to manage and his relationship to James was also between the two of them, as is the private grief that he undoubtedly does feel.

Please do get some support if you're struggling with this, but John can't carry the banner of promoting your partner in the public eye, even if he wanted to.

Weatherwax13 · 24/09/2021 10:07

YANBU. I'm very sorry for the loss of your partner, and for the way this bloke is rubbing salt in the wound. I'd be really upset too.

nicecheesegromit · 24/09/2021 10:11

This is terrible. Musicians can be very bad for doing this ... I have some personal experience of it myself. Some musos are just very big egos.

He had the opportunity to honour the memory of his former partner and chose not to. Did you inherit any rights to the material?

PRS (Performing Rights Society) may be able to assist. You could ask for a reprint of the cover potentially if there is any contractual arrangement in place. I'm not a lawyer, but this may count as misrepresentation

Gorl · 24/09/2021 10:16

Yanbu, that’s disrespectful and selfish.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your partner, and for this situation Flowers

Lookwhoseinsideagain · 24/09/2021 10:20

I'm with @BuffySummersReportingforSanity - it's sad, and I see why your hurt, but it's also business.

SarahAndQuack · 24/09/2021 10:46

Is he entitled to do this?

I think it's disrespectful, but I'm surprised he can do what he likes with something that was a joint enterprise.

Maskless · 24/09/2021 10:48

@nicecheesegromit

No, we were not married so I did not inherit any rights over the material.

I can't legally stop 'John' or the recording label, which is owned by their joint manager.

My objection isn't about legality or rights, but about morals and decency and honouring someone who died young.

OP posts:
Maskless · 24/09/2021 10:48

Many thanks for the replies so far.

OP posts:
MrsColon · 24/09/2021 10:51

I think it's pretty awful - raise it on the band's social media, tweet about it, and write to the music label. It's not on at all.

ThreeLittleDots · 24/09/2021 10:56

There will be someone in the family who inherited the rights, surely? I would have thought it would follow the intestacy rules if he didn't specify anything about it in a will?

www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

If so this person should be informed.

EdgeOfTheSky · 24/09/2021 11:07

Set up a Wiki entry for your late DP crediting his work and linked to the surviving musician.

Maskless · 24/09/2021 11:13

@ThreeLittleDots

There will be someone in the family who inherited the rights, surely? I would have thought it would follow the intestacy rules if he didn't specify anything about it in a will?

www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

If so this person should be informed.

Yes, his very elderly and frail mother who lives in a care home hundreds of miles away. I would not bother her with this. He left home after uni and rarely visited her, so they were not close but if there is any money to come from any music income she gets it.
OP posts:
Maskless · 24/09/2021 11:14

@EdgeOfTheSky

Set up a Wiki entry for your late DP crediting his work and linked to the surviving musician.
That's actually a very brilliant idea. I never thought of that. I could post an image of the original CD cover as well.
OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 24/09/2021 11:22

Yes, his very elderly and frail mother who lives in a care home hundreds of miles away. I would not bother her with this. He left home after uni and rarely visited her, so they were not close but if there is any money to come from any music income she gets it

Ah. Any siblings? I know it's not about the money but an estate representative could maintain his honour.

PooWillyNameChange · 24/09/2021 11:34

YANBU this is shitty behaviour.

Maskless · 24/09/2021 11:40

@ThreeLittleDots

Yes, his very elderly and frail mother who lives in a care home hundreds of miles away. I would not bother her with this. He left home after uni and rarely visited her, so they were not close but if there is any money to come from any music income she gets it

Ah. Any siblings? I know it's not about the money but an estate representative could maintain his honour.

He has no other living relations other than mother.
OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 24/09/2021 11:44

Hmm. If anyone has power of attorney for her they could be approached, or her siblings or nieces / nephews. There's usually an inheritee somewhere. But this wasn't the point of your thread so sorry if irrelevant!

nomoneytreehere · 24/09/2021 11:45

Hugely shitty. So sorry.

Maskless · 24/09/2021 16:05

Many thanks for the replies.

I wanted to see a show of hands on whether IABU and it seems that about 80% say no but 20% say I am.

OP posts:
AnotherFruitcake · 24/09/2021 16:09

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

I'm so sorry for the loss of your partner.

That said: this is just basic marketing; please try not to read it as a judgement on your partner. A CD cover is a marketing tool, not a historical document or a means of apportioning credit. "John" is correct that if he is the name now, what will sell the CD is for his name to be prominent. Most likely his label wouldn't even let him do it the way you want, because it would be suicidal commercially and they aren't in the business of spending thousands they won't recoup. And ultimately John's career is now his to manage and his relationship to James was also between the two of them, as is the private grief that he undoubtedly does feel.

Please do get some support if you're struggling with this, but John can't carry the banner of promoting your partner in the public eye, even if he wanted to.

This is correct. I'm sorry you're struggling with this, OP, and I can absolutely understand why it's exacerbating your grief, but it's not on the surviving partner of the duo to keep your partner's name in the public domain in a tough industry.
Chloemol · 24/09/2021 16:26

YANBU it is disrespectful. I would be calling the behaviour out, so is he promoting via FB? I would make a comment as you have in your first post about the background and how disrespectful he has been

Same in any you tube videos etc

Chloemol · 24/09/2021 16:28

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

I'm so sorry for the loss of your partner.

That said: this is just basic marketing; please try not to read it as a judgement on your partner. A CD cover is a marketing tool, not a historical document or a means of apportioning credit. "John" is correct that if he is the name now, what will sell the CD is for his name to be prominent. Most likely his label wouldn't even let him do it the way you want, because it would be suicidal commercially and they aren't in the business of spending thousands they won't recoup. And ultimately John's career is now his to manage and his relationship to James was also between the two of them, as is the private grief that he undoubtedly does feel.

Please do get some support if you're struggling with this, but John can't carry the banner of promoting your partner in the public eye, even if he wanted to.

There is no reason he can’t state that James helped him on his way, or that James is on this 50/50. And he certainly could comment about it on any interview
AnotherFruitcake · 24/09/2021 18:34

He could, @Chloemol, but he’s chosen not to, and that’s not something the OP can realistically expect to have any input into, much though I can understand her hurt.

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