The world won't stop spinning on its axis if he accepted some responsibility for this.

[FlemCandango]

I love my ds I think he is amazing. He is polite, kind and very clever he is autistic which brings some stress for him life is not easy. He is very rigid and cannot bear to be thought badly of or be in trouble. This is where I have my issue today. He makes a smoothie every morning he was getting some ice today and reported that the freezer temp was showing -1 and red warning lights flashing. I check and it looks like a bag of ice prevented the bottom drawer from shutting properly and this meant the freezer door didn't close. It has been getting warmer and now we have a freezer full of not quite frozen food 😩

In an effort to work out what happened I did ask if DS had used the freezer the day before he had got an ice lolly after school. I was back from work later that day and dinner was from fridge so I hadn't used the freezer since loading it with shopping on Wednesday night.

DS is now saying the issue is too much food in the freezer not him failing to check the door was properly closed. Argh what would it cost him to say I am sorry if I was the one that didn't close the door properly. It is full but it is possible to close the door. But it is not really the freezer that is the issue. It is feeling like DS will never ever accept any responsibility for something that goes wrong or a mistake. He could argue from dawn til dusk and will wear you down to a nub rather than admit something he did might be wrong. It is exhausting. As I say the freezer I will move on from. No big deal just a full freezer (sob)

But DS is 17, next year he will go to uni and I dread to think what sort of housemate he will be. Not a peacemaker. Thank God he can make amazing pizzas!

Sending a 🙄
My dd teen with asd will never take responsibility for anything either. I know how frustrating it is.

I tripped over a glass she had used the other day. She said it was my fault because I put it there. What actually happened was that I brought her in the drink and she asked for it to be put on the floor. Then she picked it up and drank it and put it back in same place. (When she left the room she knows she is supposed to take it out).

I wasnt having that. I told her it became her responsibility as soon as I gave it to her to put somewhere safe after use. I didnt get an apology, first I got but I didnt know, then after I said yes you fid it has always been the rule I did get an oh ok.

Even when she physically and verbally goes for me she wont apologise.

Thank you Rose yes exactly, you get it! Sends me potty, so a sense of humour and my ability to "move on" has probably saved my sanity (and Ds life😂 over the years).

Yes you are right, if you dont move on it will get to you 🤗

I meant to send you a 🤗 in my first reply hit the wrong button sorry abt that

I've got one like that too - he's 24 now and he has managed to house/flat share at Uni without any drama that I've heard about - well not drama caused by him as far as I can tell anyway! But it is infuriating that nothing is ever his fault. Of course I only ever get his side of the story! He's living back at home at the moment which, much as I love him, is more than a little stressful! But he is an excellent if messy cook so there is a positive.

Im petty enough to say you're probably roght, we wont buy icecreams anymore.

Oh, I have this joy now with my autistic 10 year old....
We have to explain very carefully what he is responsible for but then worry that he feels we're constantly criticising him?!

@RealBecca yes! I wonder how that would go down 🤔

My 16 year old lad with ASD is similar. Nothing is ever his fault! To be fair in recent years he will sometimes accept he has messed up and say sorry. We have been very persistent though and he also has ADHD and since he's been on meds it seems to have calmed his brain down so he sees the bigger picture (you don't mention ADHD so sorry if I've gone off at a tangent).

I would put money on my Dad also having ASD although he's never been diagnosed. He will never ever admit he is wrong or apologise and will deny/argue from dawn until dusk. Unfortunately he's been pandered to his whole life so he has never had to face any natural consequences.

Oh gawd I have this with my autistic 6yo. She gets so, so upset if she knows she’s messed up and should say sorry. We compromise by her signing sorry instead of saying it, which seems to be the main trigger for her upset. That acknowledgement of fault is a massive hurdle and I really hope I can help her crack it as she gets older.

My husband is 45 and doesn't apologise for anything - he isn't autistic - that I know of anyway. He can be an epic arsehole but still won't volunteer an apology unless it's dragged out of him. I used to think it was his upbringing - did his parents not Instill a sense of contriteness or remorse but now I think it's just a case of nature not nurture. It annoys the hell out of me though. With our children I generally say "you aren't doing / having / going to x unless you say sorry" - so far it does seem to work although not sure what will happen when they hit the belligerent teen years

Yes, I get this as well, ASD son in his 20s. He likes to have things done his way i.e. the correct way. Being fair, I think that if the world did run to JuniorLois regulations we wouldn't have so many issues. He does now apologize but in return insists that when others are in the wrong they, too, must apologize in the 'correct 'way. On the plus side he is actually very kind, well-mannered and sweet natured.

Yep, I feel you - this is so frustrating! But if it makes you feel any better, I have one with ADHD and and one ‘neuro-typical’ and they’re absolutely as bad as one another when it comes to deflecting blame and denying responsibility for things. (No idea why - it’s not like there’s any drastic consequences to them admitting their mistakes, they just seem hard wired to push back, sometimes before I’ve even opened my mouth.)

But I think it’s possible that it’s more challenging for them to admit mistakes when they’re dealing with their parents or authority figures like teachers - I know mine are definitely less defensive when dealing with their friends, so there’s hope for them yet to become civilised members of society!

I would put money on my Dad also having ASD although he's never been diagnosed. He will never ever admit he is wrong or apologise and will deny/argue from dawn until dusk.

Could just be old fashioned male entitlement - I know two neurotypical men exactly like this and it stems from a sort of "how dare you question my superior manly authority"

Well ASD does tend to run in families. I say this from experience, I could have all of the men in DHs family assessed, and they would ALL have ASD.

DD (nearly 11) is just like this, it is so infuriating and I worry about her in the wider world. I have mentioned getting her assessed for ASD quite a few times, there are many tell tale signs and I didnt actually know this trait could be one! DH is exactly the same and it can be really upsetting. I think his refusal to even consider DD may have ASD is a further sign he probably does too.

Sound like normal teenage behaviour to me. Nothing is EVER their fault.

It is normal behaviour but the level of distress over qqw poll even slightly "in the wrong" is heightened by his autism. It is hard to explain but with my NT DD she hates being in trouble and will try to deflect etc. But she will accept it happening not happily but ... DS has never been capable of that acceptance. As a tiny child he would cry, then as he got older he would hit his head, kick a hole in the bedroom wall, refuse to leave if I told him to go. Now he is older and very articulate, he will argue, and deny never really raising his voice, just getting more tightly wound in frustration.

So as with most things it is the level of impact the behaviour has and his ability to manage it rather than the instinct to reject criticism that is the problem. If that makes sense!