Feeling guilty and not sure whether to leave DP

[planningtoleave]

My DP of three years has over time been a terrible partner but a brilliant dad to our DS.

He left me when I was pregnant and ghosted me for two weeks, before getting back together and then kissing another woman. His mother has been vile the entire relationship and he has never stood up for me. He has, according to Rape Crisis, actually raped me.

I’m stuck because I don’t want to break up our family but I know this is not a good situation to be in.

As an escape I started to talk to other people - which I feel awfully guilty about and have stopped. Not sure why I did it. Perhaps to regain my control after the assault.

He is a brilliant dad and I don’t want to rip our family apart. I am worried I would regret it and miss him and my feelings are mixed - I don’t know if I love him or not, and I’m angry and resenting him for things at the moment.

Not sure why I’m posting, would just like some advice on whether and how to leave, or whether in your shoes, these are things you could continue to forgive.

Also very prepared to be told IABU for talking to someone else. No excuse and I don’t know why I did it. No pictures or anything exchanged, no physical meeting etc. But feeling awfully guilty.

You keep saying he's a 'brilliant Dad" but brilliant Dads don't rape the mother of the children they're fathering.

They don't abuse them either. He's not a brilliant Dad at all.

Call Womens Aid Op.

I mean in the sense that he is personally great with our DP. I’m just a bit stuck on what to do because I’ve never been the one to leave a relationship before.

It's very common for victims of abuse to feel guilt about leaving; often inertia is seen as the easier option rather than fuck with the status quo. Change is scary at the best of times and worse when you develop the kind of low self esteem and co-dependency as a result of abuse and sexual assault.

A rapist and a cheat is not a good dad in any sense of the word. And you don't have to sacrifice yourself and have an abusive partner because you think he's a good dad to your DS.

What are your finances like? Do you rent/mortage? In whose name?

He’s not a ‘brilliant’ Dad. He’s not. I don’t even have to have met him, and I can confirm that.

He’s a Dad, and that’s as far as the descriptor goes.

Do you know what actually constitutes a ‘brilliant’ Dad? It’s a fuck ton more than ‘is good with his own kid’.

It goes way, way beyond cheating, walking out on and raping the child’s mother.

Not one person on this thread is going to give you any grief for talking to someone else about him.

All anyone on here is going to do is urge you to get as far away from this sub-standard specimen as possible, as quickly as possible.

You can do much, much better.

Honestly you should just forget about speaking with whatever person you spoke to (i assume you mean you flirted with them).. in the context of everything going on this is so insignificant it's not really worth dwelling on.

Your relationship sucks, he's abusive, his in-laws suck, he cheated on you. I think it's clear you need to leave.

Hopefully some people will come by and give advice what best way to do it but imo any way that gets it done is best. It's just important you leave and move on with your life. If either of you have assets get legal help as soon as possible.

Oh, love, you can’t live your life with someone who assaults you.

He treats you with no respect whatsoever, and that isn’t a good environment for your Dc to grow up in.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Do you have anywhere you could go? Family, a friend ?

His behaviour during your pregnancy should have told you all you need to know. Do you want this trash to be a role model to your DS? Do you want your DS to grow up copying his father's and grandmother's awful treatment of you?

Don't give in to guilt and inertia. This situation will only get worse. Move out while he's at work, then tell him you've decided it's best to end the relationship and that you'll arrange contact with DS when you've had time to get settled.

I know you’re all right. I’m just scared.

He doesn’t work, everything is in my name.

Thats great! Can you have a friend or family member come over, just to be there when you kick him out? They don't need to know your reasons if you don't feel comfortable telling them, and in any case you can choose to end a relationship and ask him to leave your home for any reason at all. He would be more likely to go without too much of a fight if someone else was there - abusers don't like to let the nice guy act slip in front of outsiders.

Send him back to his mother

What is your house situation, if rented or it is his house then start to look at getting a deposit and finances ready to get a new place. If your house then you can tell him to leave. If it is joint owned it is more faff to sort but doable.

It sounds like you should end it, it can just be a sit down conversation to let him know and start to discuss practicalities, if he is generally approachable.

If you think he is likely to be violent you could wait for him to be out or away and pack and leave and let him know when you are safely away. Perhaps encourage a lads weekend away and get friends and family to come with a van and move over the weekend. You can start gathering stuff and organising paperwork in the meantime.

Leave now while you’ve only got one child.
Do you really want this man to be a role model for your son ?

Nothing at all about his is great. .
Your dc in the future will be horrified you stayed....

I think I just need to go stay away for a few days and think really.

There honestly isn't a great deal to think about my love. Once you've got rid of him and got some distance you'll see that more clearly.

Rapists need to be eradicated from society. Full stop. The vermin is NOT a ‘brilliant dad’, it’s a rapist and there’s no redeeming features about it. Your kid (and you) need protected from it, it cannot be left alone with a kid.

Also, this is not a ‘family’, it’s a rapist and it’s prey.

Go away for a few days and think. He will still be a cheat and a rapist who lives off you. A parasite.

Go away for a few days and kid yourself that you miss him.

You need help.