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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how often you see elderly parents?

25 replies

chinateapot · 23/09/2021 17:31

Background - I’m an only child, have moved about 250 miles from home (much to my mums distress / disapproval.) Lots of tricky history - she had problems with alcohol and mental health issues while I was growing up and still does, as well as having said some pretty horrible things to us in the past. She wants / expects me to phone and talk to her daily which I do for about half an hour or more. Suspect my dad also has some mental health issues but he’s reluctant to seek any sort of help. We now have two kids age 9 and 14.
Over the last couple of years we’ve seen much less of them because Covid and before that my daughter was really poorly. We’ve been to stay (in a hotel as they have a serious hoarding and hygiene issue) twice since lockdown ended. They are always difficult tiring visits.
Now my mum is making noises about “when will I see you again?”. Trying to work out how often is reasonable. We also both work full time so annual leave is very precious.
Any thoughts anyone?

OP posts:
CattingT · 23/09/2021 17:38

My parents live about that distance and we visit 4 times a year.

PennyWus · 23/09/2021 17:41

Once a year is enough.

Burnt0utMum · 23/09/2021 17:41

I live a similar distance from my dad. I tend to visit for a long weekend in the summer and he visits us once or twice a year. I wish we could do more but time just doesn't allow for it.

Chamomileteaplease · 23/09/2021 17:45

How on earth do you manage half an hour on the phone to her daily??

Apart from anything else, what the hell do you find to talk about?!

Personally I would knock that on the head straightaway. That must be causing you stress which will then have a knock-on effect on your husband children. Not good.

How many times do you want to visit them? Once every two years? Double it. Go once a year.

They give you nothing emotionally, so why should you tie yourself up in knots for them?

mdh2020 · 23/09/2021 17:45

My grandmother lived 200 miles away and we used to go for the day on the train 6 times a year in school holidays. My in-laws lived 120 miles away and we used to visit them about the same amount except when they were ill.

whatnow47 · 23/09/2021 17:46

Brother lives same distance and visits them 3 x a year for a "coffee". He usually has an exit plan and cannot cope for more than an hour. Very similar problems in our family. Mother emotionally manipulative and can be verbally abusive. Sad

MajorCarolDanvers · 23/09/2021 17:48

My MIL lives 3 hours drive away and we try to see her about once every two months.

My parents live nearby and I see them at least once a week.

I don't really do the telephone anymore and have whatsapp group for each side of the family.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/09/2021 18:02

If you were close, maybe 3-4 times a year, if not close less.

I would also start reducing phone contact to 2-3 times a week. Start by sending a text saying "can't speak tonight I've got to take dc to x, all is well, will catch up tomorrow xx" use various excuses - dh and I are watching a film tonight will chat tomorrow, got headache going to bed early, kids acting up, going for a walk or whatever. They'll soon get out of the nightly habit if you ignore any griping.

Youcancallmeval · 23/09/2021 18:42

My dad is 3 hours away and I try to see him every 6-8 weeks.

BlueMoons90 · 23/09/2021 20:16

My DP's parents live abroad, we visit them once a year and they visit us once or twice a year (Covid permitting obvs) but DP is relatively close to them and we enjoy their company. If we didn't, we would see them once a year probably.

WhatHaveIFound · 23/09/2021 20:26

How on earth do you manage half an hour on the phone to her daily??

I wonder how I've managed to fall into this with my mother but for me it's 10 minutes rather than 30. It only started with the first lockdown when my mum was more anxious and both parents health problems seemed to worsen.

OP - it's difficult once you have DC on top of a job as they just don't want to spend their weekends visiting grandparents. In your situation I'd probaly aim for 2-3 times a year.

I see my parents almost every week but before my sister moved away i'd see them less often, maybe monthly. They live an hour away.

Saoirse82 · 23/09/2021 20:28

My parents live just over a mile away, I see them around 2 or 3 times a week and talk several times a week too. MIL lives 3 miles away, see her every few weeks but DH talks to her daily and I do several times a week. We are close to our families but we see them because we want to, but you have to do what's right for you.

Toastytoads · 23/09/2021 20:32

How old is elderly?

Autumngoldleaf · 23/09/2021 20:41

Well it's so personal op I adored df and didn't see him as much I would like as had no ££ and small dc.

It sounds like your in a very different and difficult situation.
. I'm sure they would love to see you, so try and arrange a visit but on your terms eg.. Mum we can't come into the house because you hord.. So what do plan for us if we come up and try and reach some agreement

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/09/2021 20:52

We used to bring grandfather over (40min drive there and back) for Sunday lunch once a week

I used to see parents, 150 miles, for a weekend about every two months. I'd write weekly.

One DC lives 1/4 mile away and I see them every 1-2 weeks; the other is 5 miles away, and I see them every 1-2 months. Whatsapp/phone in between depending on need, usually for practical things, but swap news and jokes with the nearer one.

UnsuitableHat · 23/09/2021 20:54

My elderly DM lives about 60 miles away and I see her once a week- my work is a bit closer to her than my home is so this works. Probably speak to her on phone once a week. Each to their own- I’d hate the expectation of a daily phone call.

bathorshower · 23/09/2021 21:05

My parents are a similar distance away - they moved after I grew up, so at least can't complain that I don't live nearby! We go about twice a year, and they visit us once or twice.

Could they come to you? I can see it depends on how elderly/frail they are.

Original poster
chinateapot · 23/09/2021 21:25

Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences. Elderly is mid to late 70s but frailer and less well than many people that age. I also hate the expectation of a daily phone call but it’s my parents and I love them (despite finding them difficult) so feel it’s not an unmanageable thing to do. I’m just so aware that I have a lot more in my life than I do - but it’s so tough feeling responsible for their happiness and guilty for not seeing them enough. I think perhaps we’ll try for a very short visit (day trip if possible) and then a couple of days at Christmas- but you have at least all reassured me that I’m not being a heartless cow!

OP posts:
madaboutrunning · 23/09/2021 21:26

My parents live a similar distance away and I go to see them 3, maybe 4 times a year for 2-3 days. It's been like this pretty much since I left home at 18 - it's our norm. In those 30+ years since I left, I think DM has only ever visited me a handful of times, and DF only once. That won't change now - they are too elderly to travel. I speak to them maybe once every 10 days or so - we reallly don't have much in common, so there's not a lot to talk about really.

Kitkat151 · 23/09/2021 21:42

@PennyWus

Once a year is enough.
Do you not like your parents?
Kitkat151 · 23/09/2021 21:45

I live 200 miles from my Mum ( I’m 55 she’s 85) I’ve visited 6 times this year.....she’s been to visit mine twice and we’ve been on 2 holidays together.....I call every 3 to 4 days and we speak for about 20 minutes about what we’ve been up to and I do any online stuff she needs doing....I will be seeing her in October and then she will visit me for Christmas

TastyToastie · 23/09/2021 21:55

3 times a year, day trips, on the advice of my therapist.

Half an hour a day is a lot. What on earth do you talk about? I am speculating but with that high level of contact I can imagine your mum having quite a lot of her focus and mental energy invested in you personally, rather than things in her own life. I think you can expect the pressure to continue while you are so present in her thoughts and focus.

marmitegirl01 · 23/09/2021 21:57

I live 270 miles away from mine. I’m an only too. Speak twice a week but I do struggle with what to talk about as they don’t do anything and don’t really understand my life. I see them probably 6 times a year. Used to be much more when kids were little. COVID has made this much less. So trying to find a new pattern of seeing them. It’s tough though.

Sakari · 23/09/2021 22:15

Everyone advising reducing contact, imagine your children growing up and calling you once a week and seeing you twice a year.

And for everyone who imagines that they won't make the mistakes with their children that their parents made with them and hence their kids will definitely grow up and be in touch, how can you be so sure?

SummerWillow · 23/09/2021 23:13

Sad thread. And then, suddenly, your parents are gone ...

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