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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no?

24 replies

HowCome2 · 23/09/2021 15:54

Have recently come down with a nasty bug and have been feeling absolutely rotten and exhausted (not Covid have tested). Just starting to pick up again finally today.

DH works away quite often and he is gone until next week.

When my step daughter returned to Mum's on Sunday (one week on one week off), she started to feel poorly and has unfortunately got the same thing as us it seems! Not sure who it started with as we both seemed to catch it at the same time as I also started on Sunday feeling unwell and my toddler started not long after on Monday.

Long story short, DSDs Mum asked DH if DSD could come back and stay with me instead because she didn't want to have to miss work to stay home and I'm home (work PT but been off with this) anyway.

I was home, but I was also very unwell and have a young toddler to look after by myself who's not feeling great either.

I said no. This didn't go down well and DH is still receiving messages now moaning about it.

Was I unreasonable? I think I'm going to tell DH not to tell me anymore if she asks for something. She will never speak to me herself but she has no problem asking DH to ask me to do things when he's away.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 23/09/2021 15:56

How old is DSD?

DownWhichOfLate · 23/09/2021 15:56

How old is your stepdaughter?

Original poster
HowCome2 · 23/09/2021 15:56

She is 9.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 23/09/2021 15:57

Of course you're not unreasonable. Your Dh wasn't there so why should you be minding his dd, especially while your sick? Even if he was there it wasn't his week to have her. And yes, tell your dh not to relay his ex's messages to you. Their childcare issues are not your concern.

ScottishNewbie · 23/09/2021 15:59

YANBU. You were ill with a toddler.
Either your DH should take time off to care for his daughter or her mother needs to.
It's not your responsibility

DownWhichOfLate · 23/09/2021 16:01

I would have been fine with a 9 year old. Stick them on the sofa with drink, snacks, television.

Original poster
HowCome2 · 23/09/2021 16:02

Thanks. There's been a lot of this sort of thing since I've been working PT. Almost like she thinks she should now never have to do anything inconvenient on her time because "can't HowCome help, she's home anyway".

I didn't start working PT to help out my husbands ex 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
HowCome2 · 23/09/2021 16:02

@DownWhichOfLate

I would have been fine with a 9 year old. Stick them on the sofa with drink, snacks, television.
She was ill
OP posts:
Samcro · 23/09/2021 16:02

yanbu cf or what

aSofaNearYou · 23/09/2021 16:03

Not unreasonable at all. Her being ill doesn't change the fact that it's between her and your DH to care for her, and he was unavailable. Personally I'm all for consideration where possible when people are ill in terms of not passing it on, but practically speaking myself and DD have ended up with SO many bugs due to DSS. If it goes the other way occasionally, well that's just life.

CandyLeBonBon · 23/09/2021 16:06

I'd have got an earful off my exH if I'd even dared to ask her to have my kids if I was sick. But then he's never taken a day off for them in nearly 20 years, and I've always had to take the hit!!

Yanbu. Parents just have to cope in these circs. You're dealing with your toddler, she'll have to manage with her DD. That's life isn't it?

GoodnightGrandma · 23/09/2021 16:08

No. She’s not your child, she’s not your responsibility.
Do you have her when her dad is not there ?

Original poster
HowCome2 · 23/09/2021 16:10

@GoodnightGrandma

No. She’s not your child, she’s not your responsibility. Do you have her when her dad is not there ?
I have done if absolutely necessary before but never for long periods, only ever if someone's had to nip out to do something unexpected. DH always plans his away working around contact so he is always here when DSD is due to stay.
OP posts:
WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 23/09/2021 16:13

YANBU at all, such cheeky fuckery. You’re not there to provide convenient childcare for your partners ex, why on earth would you, especially when you’re not well yourself and looking after a toddler.

Original poster
HowCome2 · 23/09/2021 16:14

Parents just have to cope in these circs. You're dealing with your toddler, she'll have to manage with her DD. That's life isn't it?

Well yes this is my thinking! If I hadn't been ill and off work myself, I'd have had to take time off because DC couldn't have gone to nursery. Just one of those things.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 23/09/2021 16:15

Absolutely not your responsibility and cheeky to have asked you. Look up Nacho Parenting.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/09/2021 16:44

I'm sorry - she was home (albeit under the weather) with her mother and her mother wanted to send her back to you, her step-mother? Did I read that right?
YWNBU to have said no. Why should you have to look after the child when her mother is there to do it?
Where is her father while all of this is happening??
Why didn't she ask her Ex, your DH to look after his daughter? Why couldn't he step up and do it??

Original poster
HowCome2 · 23/09/2021 16:47

@LookItsMeAgain

I'm sorry - she was home (albeit under the weather) with her mother and her mother wanted to send her back to you, her step-mother? Did I read that right? YWNBU to have said no. Why should you have to look after the child when her mother is there to do it? Where is her father while all of this is happening?? Why didn't she ask her Ex, your DH to look after his daughter? Why couldn't he step up and do it??
Mum had to stay off work to stay home with her, that's why she wanted to send her here because I was already home and it would have meant she could go to work.

DH is working away as it wasn't our week to have her.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 23/09/2021 16:48

Sorry - just after seeing that your DH is away until next week (so that's the last part of the question answered).

The situation remains though that she should be discussing this with your DH and if your DH isn't available, then it shouldn't fall to you to fulfil his role. The child has two parents and in this situation, the mother wasn't stepping up! Poor kid. I really feel for her.

Kaley3043 · 23/09/2021 16:49

YANBU. Being poorly with a small poorly toddler sucks and is so very hard. It's not your job to look after her too especially if your husband is away.

Larabananas · 23/09/2021 16:51

No, you are not her babysitter! She visits your house to spend time with her dad. If you choose to do more than that, it is a decision made by you and your dh, definitely not something for his ex to dictate! Hope you feel better soon Flowers

MatildaTheCat · 23/09/2021 17:02

Since she is now going to have to stay at home with her DD she could look after your poorly toddler to give you a rest as you are unwell.

Suggest this.

Original poster
HowCome2 · 23/09/2021 17:10

@MatildaTheCat

Since she is now going to have to stay at home with her DD she could look after your poorly toddler to give you a rest as you are unwell.

Suggest this.

I imagine that would go down like a lead balloon!

One of the things that bugs me about it is she refuses to speak to me directly but is always asking DH to ask me to do things. She doesn't want to talk to me but she's quite happy for me to do her favours.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowCome2 · 23/09/2021 20:09

@AmandaHoldensLips

Absolutely not your responsibility and cheeky to have asked you. Look up Nacho Parenting.
I've just been reading up on this! Thank you
OP posts:
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