Should I call my brother again or would this be classed as harassment?

[Estranged]

So I’m estranged from my family for very valid reasons although from their perception, they probably think it’s the other way round. It ended badly as an under statement.

I haven’t spoken to any of them in 8 years.

I have been thinking about my mother lately and would like to know if she’s still alive as then I’ll know that there’s no going back. It’s rather consuming me and has been for a while especially with Covid! She’s late 70’s.

I remember my brothers number and called it recently to see if he’ll talk to me. I psyched myself up for a few hours to call him but when someone answered (not him) I put the phone straight down! Then I tried again the next night, again psyched myself up for a few hours and got an automated answerphone message [face palm].

I left my number and a message saying if he was prepared to talk to me could he call back.

That was a week ago. Didn’t get a call back so am thinking of calling again at least to check the number is correct because he could have moved, changed his number and it’s been allocated to someone else?

Should I or should I just leave it and assume he doesn’t want to talk to me?

Help me make up my frigging mind!

I don't know why but I never listen to voicemails :/
Drop him a text and if he doesn't respond then leave it. I'd explain that you were asking about your mum etc

Leave it op. You left a message leaving the ball in his court and he has chosen not to reply.

I think I’d wait a couple of weeks then try again from a different number but don’t leave another voicemail. Keep trying until someone answers and you speak to him.

You need closure and you won’t get it if you are always wondering if he listened to the message or if it’s someone else’s number now.

I only remember the landline so I can’t text.

A couple of phone calls in 8 years is as far from harassment as you can get.

Try again but don't leave messages. Wait until someone answers and then speak to them.

Can you not just look up death notices for your mother's area? Surely it will be in a google search if she's died.

So you're just going to - what? Call him after 8 years, say 'is mum dead or not, I'm curious' then thank him for his time?

Whatever happened to cause the nc, Yabu. If that was my sibling and they were non contact with both my mum and me, then called one day to see if she was dead yet I'd walk over hot coals before giving them any information.

If you're only calling to see whether or not she's dead, I'd just leave it - if you're NC anyway, does it matter?

You poor thing, this sounds hard and it was so brave of you so hard he then didn’t answer .
Are you sure it’s the right thing for you to bring this up? Is there another way you can find out anything eg through wider family or friends / anyone in their area?

Call! Even if he doesn't want to speak, he will get over you trying. You may never get over not knowing.

I cut off contact with my family around 15 years ago. There have been the odd times I have made contact but was devastated when I found out my aunt had died and nobody cared just enough to let me know, never mind have me attend the funeral. I was mad at her for something small but what caused the divide was actually nothing to do with me and I never had a chance to try to repair us. She helped raise me and I never got round to talking to her again. BIG REGRETS that I can NEVER change.

Call him x

Can’t you search her name, dob and location for the obituaries.

@ThisIsNotAMill

So you're just going to - what? Call him after 8 years, say 'is mum dead or not, I'm curious' then thank him for his time?

Whatever happened to cause the nc, Yabu. If that was my sibling and they were non contact with both my mum and me, then called one day to see if she was dead yet I'd walk over hot coals before giving them any information.

I kinda agree with this

You've been NC

Why not drop a letter into the post to your mum to ask how she is (maybe not "are you dead?" Letter though)

Do you know his address, could you write to him? Or write to your mum? Or could you look up any of your mum's friends, neighbours?

It's such a difficult predicament. Just be prepared to be left reeling all over again. After all, they haven't reached out to you. You are still needing that v alidation. Perhaps, they aren't. I am not saying you are the one to blame. Infact, judging by your original post, it's probably the typical thing where you were singled out - something no one can ever fully get over.

If it wasn't your brother that picked up then I'd assume he has moved house. You need to call until you know if he lives there.

It's not harassment clearly, but I can't imagine how the cam could end well. It's there another way you could find out? Could you drive by her house for instance?

I don't want to upset you but death records are publicly available. So literally if you just wanted to find out if she had died...you can do this. Of course it may be more complicated what you want than just the bare facts...just a suggestion.

@Mummabug18

Call! Even if he doesn't want to speak, he will get over you trying. You may never get over not knowing.

I cut off contact with my family around 15 years ago. There have been the odd times I have made contact but was devastated when I found out my aunt had died and nobody cared just enough to let me know, never mind have me attend the funeral. I was mad at her for something small but what caused the divide was actually nothing to do with me and I never had a chance to try to repair us. She helped raise me and I never got round to talking to her again. BIG REGRETS that I can NEVER change.

Call him x

If as you say, you cut off contact why on earth would you expect them to contact you to let you know she had died? You cut off contact. This is the harsh reality of that. You don’t get to inflict no contact on them for years and then parachute in at the last moment to assuage your guilt. If you go no contact, you go no contact. Not ‘no contact until someone is dying and I regret my decision and want to insert myself back into the gold before it’s too late’.

And yes, I say this as someone who is NC with a family member.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to call and speak to someone who answers the phone at all. I do think you should think about what you want to say, what you want from the call etc. So you are prepared. I’d also assume the worst as I worry you would feel awful if the worst was true. But if you feel a change of heart on NC I’d call. Consider if you have anything to lose; and if yes is it worth it. Good luck xo

I think yabu, I have a family member who has gone NC/very low contact with me. If they called today, I don’t think I’d call back.

They made the choice to go NC, it wasn’t pleasant for me at the time, but I’ve moved on. I wouldn’t want the drama of it all now.

He would know you tried to call, it’s his choice to respond or not. Being estranged for that long I wouldn’t expect that anyone would think it’s Your right to know if someone in the family dies. I would leave it.