Am I turning into a paranoid mess or what?

[NEbotherpet]

I think I am suffering with pnd but this overwhelming gut feeling is eating away at me. Haven't spoken to anyone in real life about this but just looking for opinions please.

Have a 5 month old baby, during pregnancy oh was very affectionate caring loving, since giving birth I feel he's gone cold, only affectionate towards me when he wants sex and even then he's only concerned that he's satisfied. He has not done one night time with the baby when I say I'm exhausted he rolls his eyes. Yet still expects sex daily

He kept disappearing to the toilet for up to an hour so in my paranoid state I checked the WiFi usage to find he was accessing porn while I'm downstairs dealing with a crying baby, he denies this even though the proof was there. Now he turns WiFi off when he goes to bathroom... he does sometimes leave phone lying around but will make sure it's out of my reach, for example on the coffee table and not left on sofa, but generally has it glued to him.

He knows I'm feeling unwell due to heavy bleeding yet again from the implant, he's came home from work, bathroom, shower, PlayStation and now working out, I told him I'm exhausted yet he still hasn't touched the baby.

Even his text messages to me are awkward, no kisses etc when he used to. I'm totally fed up, miserable and sick of feeling insecure. Since seeing that he was looking at porn and the secrecy around it I feel like he's not attracted to me And looking at other women. I try and bring it up and he shuts down, won't discuss it and calls me dramatic.

I'm so sick wtf do I do ?

I am so sorry to hear all that

Having a new baby in the house can be stressful and difficult, and some men manage to just hide from the responsibility leaving everything to the (already exhausted and recovering from birth) woman. Your DH seems to have done and added a layer of “you need to look after me and my needs as well”. He sounds like a drain and his behaviour is very disappointing.

How would he react to a serious conversation about your relationship and future together?

You are not being paranoid and do not blame PND for how you’re feeling about your relationship. You deserve better.

No, you are not a paranoid mess. It sounds like you're struggling to take care of a small baby and a disgusting, selfish, sexually coercive arsehole manchild. No wonder you're exhausted.

Clearly this isn't how you want to live your life. Do you have some support? Can you throw him out? You don't have to put up wi this bullshit. You deserve far, far better, and so does your baby.

Having a serious conversation is impossible, I have tried numerous times and it's like banging my head off a brick wall. When it's to do with the lack of affection he says that he does give affection but also likes his space. Fair enough, I like mine too, but when you notice a change in someone's behaviour and you don't know why, that's when it hurts.

Can't discuss the porn issue because he flat out denies it, refuses to engage when I say that is a boundary for me and I will not tolerate it, he doesn't give a shit he says I am not talking about bull shit I didn't do it and that's that, any thing I say about it he will just point blank ignore me.

When I try and discuss how utterly exhausted I am and the fact that the baby has two parents his reply is 'I fucking work'. Even when he's on holiday from work he does the bare minimum to help, I'm not even exaggerating he has done 0 nights in 5 months. It got to 7am last weekend and I just handed the baby to him and said take over, that ended in an overstimulated baby awake and screaming for two hours and I ended up having to resettle her anyway, then had attitude from him the rest of the day.

I'm fed up, I haven't got much family myself and his family seem to think he's the doting dad who's working all hours god sends to pay the bills but the truth is I have always worked full time, I'm on maternity leave and it's still my maternity pay that is paying the bills.

I didn't want to think about splitting up with him initially I'd like to think that I'd given my all, but I am shattered, everywhere aches from lack of proper rest and I'm so run down I'm getting regular mouth ulcers.

I do wonder about these men who think caring for a baby is so easy, and they're the ones who have it hard by going out to work. If it's so easy, why are they so reluctant to do any of it?

I'm so sorry OP, he should be doing his bit to care for his child and he shouldn't be treating you with such disrespect. How can you bear to have sex with him?

@LaRobeRouge

I do wonder about these men who think caring for a baby is so easy, and they're the ones who have it hard by going out to work. If it's so easy, why are they so reluctant to do any of it?

I'm so sorry OP, he should be doing his bit to care for his child and he shouldn't be treating you with such disrespect. How can you bear to have sex with him?

To be totally honest, I do it sometimes because I'd prefer that to him disappearing to the bathroom while I'm dealing with the baby. I find that absolutely vile. It's really sad actually and embarrassing to write.

The sad thing is I would love more children, but he's so far opposite to the kind of dad he made out he'd be, that I won't have more