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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... or controlling?

15 replies

PearlD · 22/09/2021 12:47

Divorced my son's father when he was four, now 9. Very controlling, manipulative, emotionally neglectful. He initially went for 50/50 custody but I managed to get him to accept less as it was too much for my son at the time. He goes for two nights a week (against my son's will, but if I try to suggest he doesn't want to go he threatens me with court) and spends Sunday day with him while I work. There is zero communication apart from the basics re arrangements, it quickly disintegrates into abuse if I try.

At weekend he asked me to collect my son from the house of a friend of his, instead of him dropping him back as usual, with no further explanation available. I went to pick him up, to find that he'd been dropped there 7 hours previously that morning, as his dad had gone on holiday with his girlfriend for a fortnight.
Am I being unreasonable to think that I should know where my son is if he's not with his father during visitation or am I being controlling by wanting to know? I've had that much sh!t from this man over the years that I can no longer work it out.

OP posts:

PoolNooodle · 22/09/2021 13:17

Yabu imo do you tell him every where your son is when he is with you? I'm guessing you don't

Original poster

PearlD · 22/09/2021 13:26

@PoolNooodle

Yabu imo do you tell him every where your son is when he is with you? I'm guessing you don't

Thanks, that has crossed my mind, however I don't tend to hop in the car and drive to the other end of the country for a holiday. I guess I feel that his visitation is for that purpose, to fulfil the rights he has to a relationship with his dad. He has done this before, it's not an isolated incident, and it's not necessarily people my son knows particularly well.

OP posts:

PoolNooodle · 22/09/2021 13:29

Well again I’m going to disagree as when a father can’t have their child on here everyone always says it’s the fathers responsibility to sort out child care if it falls on his time and that’s what he did, he arranged child care.

NoSquirrels · 22/09/2021 13:34

No, you’re absolutely not being unreasonable!

It’s not like he’s been dropped off with grandparents because your ex had to work a shift or had an emergency. He’d gone on bloody holiday!

PoolNooodle · 22/09/2021 13:35

I wonder if the op tells her ex every time the child has a play date or stays at a mates house? 😕

lilacdinosaur · 22/09/2021 13:35

Did the friend have a way to contact you if there was an emergency with your son? Assuming that your ex would be unreachable on this occasion.
If yes then yabu, it's his responsibility to sort childcare on his days which he technically did.
If the friend had no way of contacting either of you then yanbu, I'd want to know in an emergency that either myself or ex could be contacted and easily get there.

queenMab99 · 22/09/2021 13:38

You are not being unreasonable or controlling in this situation OP, there is a difference between 'arranging childcare' as in having someone picking child up from school, and having him for a couple of hours, if his dad is working unexpectedly, as opposed to, arranging to go on holiday on the morning of a day the child is supposed to be having contact, without mentining it to his mother.

Original poster

PearlD · 22/09/2021 13:57

@PoolNooodle

I wonder if the op tells her ex every time the child has a play date or stays at a mates house? 😕

Thanks, it's a good point, however this wasn't a play date.

OP posts:

Original poster

PearlD · 22/09/2021 14:05

@lilacdinosaur

Did the friend have a way to contact you if there was an emergency with your son? Assuming that your ex would be unreachable on this occasion. If yes then yabu, it's his responsibility to sort childcare on his days which he technically did. If the friend had no way of contacting either of you then yanbu, I'd want to know in an emergency that either myself or ex could be contacted and easily get there.

I'm not sure. I didn't have the contact details for where he was, as didn't know he was there until half way through the day when I got told to collect him from xx address at xx time. It's not an isolated incident, it's happened before and when I've asked about it the reply is, "it's good for him" and "healthy". I don't agree with this, I feel it's good for his dad. I've then, again, got to explain to my son why his dad would rather go on holiday than hang out with him. I've asked that he let's me know, as his mother if he's going to be in the care of someone else if his dad is leaving the area to go on holiday (which happens every few weeks) but my requests have been ignored.

Just wondering what others might do in this situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

PearlD · 22/09/2021 14:16

@queenMab99

Thanks, this is how I see it x

OP posts:

Original poster

PearlD · 22/09/2021 14:19

@NoSquirrels

No, you’re absolutely not being unreasonable!

It’s not like he’s been dropped off with grandparents because your ex had to work a shift or had an emergency. He’d gone on bloody holiday!

Thanks, just wondering how I handle it going forward. I've again requested he lets me know, and explained that the visitation is arranged to support his relationship with his dad, not to watch him wave over his shoulder as he sets off on holiday and wait for me to come and get him!

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/09/2021 14:21

How would you have felt if he’d said he was going away and wanted to drop DS off at yours 7 hours early? You were working so what would you have?

What would you have thought or done if he’d dropped DS at the friends and told you at the time he’d be there for the day?

purpleboy · 22/09/2021 14:40

@AnneLovesGilbert

How would you have felt if he’d said he was going away and wanted to drop DS off at yours 7 hours early? You were working so what would you have?

What would you have thought or done if he’d dropped DS at the friends and told you at the time he’d be there for the day?

Whilst I can see your point, don't you think it's more reasonable to send a text? Just a head up I'm going away Sunday morning do you want x back early or shall I sort childcare?

I actually think it's really bizarre he would do that, what happens if op couldn't pick up child for some reason? It's absolutely not on at all.
I get that communication is bad op but seriously, when talking about your son it's needs to be more open.

girlmom21 · 22/09/2021 14:46

I don't think you should always know where he is because we have to assume dad is responsible enough (clearly not!) to keep him safe but I do think you should be given first refusal if dad can't have him and you should be notified if he's being left elsewhere and dad would be uncontactable.

NoSquirrels · 22/09/2021 16:11

He goes for two nights a week (against my son's will, but if I try to suggest he doesn't want to go he threatens me with court)

I’d say it might be time to take him up on his offer of court, tbh.

Your son isn’t happy, his father regularly leaves him on contact days with someone else - presume it’s mostly Sundays this happens?

I’d first approach it with him from the perspective that perhaps every Sunday is too restrictive for your ex, and would EOW with 1 day in the week suit him better?

That would affect your work pattern, presumably, but worth thinking about.

Then if he says no, and if you object I’ll see you in court then take some advice - it’s quite likely your son’s getting to the age he needs to be listened to, and varying the contact might be in his best interests. If you’re worried the court would award 50-50 that seems highly unlikely to me.

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