PIL - did I go too far?

[2littleonesx]

So...my in laws, bizzare to say the least.
My parent was physically abused by his father growing up, he has metal plates in his hips (aged 11) and broken nose. When I first met him I thought why is he still in contact with his parents? And he said it was for his mum, who let her own children leave home at 16 to live in a hostal.
Anyway, I thought I would stand by him and do what I needed to do, so was nice to them, would visit when he wanted etc.
I had our first child 2019, now they NEVER came to visit us, the only time they see my DC is if we go there. I used to get texted when I was pregnant 'you don't bother with me' 'I'm left out' 'it's all about your family' - for context my mum died 10 years ago, my grandad passed away last year and I literally have my dad and my Nan. The only two who bother with ny DC.we've had nothing but trouble off of them, they lie, they stir, they've been rude to me on so many occasions, but again - I do it for my partner.
Fast forward to this year, I had my second baby. MIL said she would come up when I went in for my c section, got to the Friday before and she told me she was too busy now.
Didn't bother coming to meet their only granddaughter, my partner eventually took us down there when my daughter was 2 months old. I got told I apparently rub it in their faces that I post pictures of my kids??? If you're that bothered come up and see them. Why should it be us constantly going to them.
Anyway, she texted me a few weeks ago and asked when she was 'coming up for a drink' now I thought I would test her and said 'not until November but feel free to come up and see the children before'
Baring in mind she's never bothered coming before, so if instantly got my back up that she was asking because ir involved drink. She replied 'I let you know' which instantly gave me the right arse. I asked her out right why don't you two bother with your grandkids, I got told they're busy as they've just moved. But that doesn't excuse the other 2.5 years you haven't bothered with them.
My partner asked her if she would come up for a week and stay and just help with the kids as I'm working from home to give my Nan who is 77 a rest just for a few days. The reply was 'bring DC1 down here'. I just lost it and blew my top, you're happy enough to come up for a drink but not to see your grandkids, I just don't get it. So I went mad at them both and im completely done now.
AIBU, should I have just shut up and carried on as we were in a one sided abusive set up? My partner isn't pleased I stuck up and answered them.
Sorry it's long but feel like im crazy lol!!

If one them had left my other half with metal plates in his hips and a broken nose, then I wouldn’t want them anywhere near my kids quite frankly.

Imo be jolly grateful they aren't bothered about your dc. Why would you offer up your dc to abusers?

I agree, you are better to not have them involved for sure!!!

You have made some awful choices here, and you should really think about why. You say you wouldn’t leave your kids alone with a man who caused an 11yo to need metal plates 😳 but see when you went into hospital with your second, what if you’d had a CS unexpectedly and your MIL had taken your toddler back to hers, and PIL had hurt her? Really really poor choices. And yet the focus of your post is wanting to just complain them not seeing your kids enough. Bloody hell.

You stop contacting them. You can't control or dictate your partners fucked up relationship with them, but you do not need to have any contact with the.

I feel sorry for your husband, I think it's a sign of how badly he was abused that he desperately wants to believe they have changed, and that he actively wants to see them. And that he thinks you are in the wrong for finally snapping back after years of them having a go at you.
I get you want grandparents involved with kids. But in his parents case, there is absolutely nothing you've said that provides any evidence that they could build a positive relationship with your children and not abuse them. They are giving you a load of grief, infront of your children, and so far you've been taking it. That really isn't beneficial for them, at all.
You can't force your partner not to see them but you can put your own boundaries in place for your childrens sakes. Never leave your kids alone with them. Grey rock them on everything else. Refuse to visit and be insulted. You can always go to support your husband but if they kick off, tell his parents if they have a go at you about anything else then you will leave. And do so. Put them as restricted on social media so they don't see your posts. Be vague about being busy like they are. Don't get into arguments about who should be visiting who, they are never going to be honest or admit any wrongdoing, just say shame we are busy for the next few weekends. Shut down any conversation about leaving out, not bothering, rubbing noses in it etc by leaving / putting the phone down / stopping responding and they will eventually stop.

And your husband really does need some therapy to try and figure out why he is still pursuing a relationship with these people who have literally caused him nothing but hurt, its normal but not rational and not good for him. Its mad that he wants his kids to have a relationship with someone who has proved so damaging to him and is constantly having a go at his wife

These people shouldn't be within 100 miles of your kids. You aren't supporting your partner by facilitating this, he was abused and has no normal sense of boundaries with them and can't protect your kids from them. You have to protect them all and keep these monsters the hell away from your family. No idea why you're even answering texts, let alone acting like the outcome you want is for them to be more involved? They don't want to see your kids, this is a blessing from the heavens! Use it!

You’ve done the right thing 100%. I wouldn’t want my children around them anyway! I assume you’ve never left your DC alone with them especially the father!

His mother was complicit in his abuse. She may not have dealt the blows but by staying with him she made the choice not to protect her son. I have no idea why you’d be annoyed that she can’t do childcare. Neither of them should have unsupervised access

Go no contact. Get your husband into counselling. Live happily ever after. Seriously this is the only thing you can do.

I feel sorry for your DH for having these monsters for parents. He clearly needs support.

I wouldn't be letting them anywhere near my kids let alone asking them to come and help for a few days!

Thank you for all the nice comments here. I think it is very hard to judge the situation from an outside view and from a paragraph online. I'm young - I'm 26, I have never come across someone from an abused background before so it has been hard for me to understand. I obviously couldn't understand why he wanted to be involved with them. Let me clarify - I have never ever left my kids with them, nor have I let them stay overnight or even an hour with them. The c section was something I didn't plan and my partner asked his mum to come and stay with us, they live 80 miles way so the likelihood of him being taken back there is low, however didn't matter she didn't come up.
I'm not kicking off they don't bother, its been a built up of shit, that he has taken. it's been the nail in the coffin to finally stop the contact. And obviously as a mum I would do anything to protect my kids, so for that to be questioned is rude.
The point was that my MIL is my partners mum, I do not agree in the slightest the way she has acted, how she could stay with a man that hits her kids - but hey we're all different.
I just wanted perspective so I don't feel insane that these people are cretins and that walking away and cutting contact is the best thing I could do - which it is and you've all agreed. So thank you

Also yes, I work at my nans until 12 and she helps me with the children. I don't have another option, like I said I have no family just me and my partner. He then takes over in the afternoon.

It was also her coming here to be at my home while I'm there, but just to watch the children like my Nan does. So I would be there as I work remotely. Like I said it's the nail in the coffin, they can't offer anything and why should they now have the luxury of even speaking to us. It's a no from me

Do you think Covid and the lockdowns during 2020/21 have affected their ability to visit? As you say your first child was born in 2019 and they have never (yet) visited?

I also do not understand why you are trying to get these PILs more time with your children when they obviously seriously abused your partner? I’d also prefer them to have no interest in the children. I know you say his father abused him, but having plates on bones and repeatedly broken nose is evidence your MIL was complicit if not encouraging the abuse because a loving mother would have left her husband to protect her children. So don’t be viewing her as the “safe” PIL, she isn’t.

Just ignore their comments regarding children’s pictures and so on. I think in a way they’re still trying to abuse your partner and now you. Only because you’re not children, it’s switched to emotional abuse/blackmail.

They sound a waste of time tbh , I’d go no with them and block them from seeing photos of the kids.
Let your dh have contact but take yourself and kids out of the picture.

I obviously couldn't understand why he wanted to be involved with them.

Your partner probably needs trauma therapy to address his childhood abuse and navigate his relationship with his parents as an adult. Adults who were abused as children get brainwashed into thinking they were bad and on some level deserved the abuse. So they can even as adults be constantly trying to secure the approval and any scrap of affection from their abusive parents. The dynamic you describe doesn’t sound healthy in that he is always going to them and feels he owes them something. He may even still be a bit afraid of them.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I obviously couldn't understand why he wanted to be involved with them.

Your partner probably needs trauma therapy to address his childhood abuse and navigate his relationship with his parents as an adult. Adults who were abused as children get brainwashed into thinking they were bad and on some level deserved the abuse. So they can even as adults be constantly trying to secure the approval and any scrap of affection from their abusive parents. The dynamic you describe doesn’t sound healthy in that he is always going to them and feels he owes them something. He may even still be a bit afraid of them.

Exactly this.

I think he feels he owes them something and is still scared, hence why he has been trying to maintain a relationship!

@PlanDeRaccordement

Do you think Covid and the lockdowns during 2020/21 have affected their ability to visit? As you say your first child was born in 2019 and they have never (yet) visited?

I also do not understand why you are trying to get these PILs more time with your children when they obviously seriously abused your partner? I’d also prefer them to have no interest in the children. I know you say his father abused him, but having plates on bones and repeatedly broken nose is evidence your MIL was complicit if not encouraging the abuse because a loving mother would have left her husband to protect her children. So don’t be viewing her as the “safe” PIL, she isn’t.

Just ignore their comments regarding children’s pictures and so on. I think in a way they’re still trying to abuse your partner and now you. Only because you’re not children, it’s switched to emotional abuse/blackmail.

No I don't think Covid has anything to do with it. If anything it made them more annoyed that we weren't bothering lol. I agree definitely, I couldn't have stayed with a man who hit my kids no matter what, she let her kids walk out at 16. Bizzare: thanks for this perspective she is not the safe parent

I'd go NC with them and I would never allow my dc to see them.

You should probably have talked to your partner about this before having kids though, considering that his parents were physically abusive to him. I also suggest that counselling would be helpful for him.

Why would I need to talk to my partner about it before having kids?

I agree counselling would be helpful to your DH. It was for mine. For an adult abused as a child, having your own children can also trigger flashbacks to the abuse you experienced as a child.

My DH was also severely abused and it wasn’t until we had our children that truly it dawned on him “how could anyone do x to a child?” and to realise his parents & grandparents had no excuse for what they did.

He started getting flashbacks when our first DC was only 8 months old. He was feeding him in his highchair and DC was having none of it, batting the spoon away or grabbing the food and rubbing it in his hair. When he knocked the bowl out of my DHs hand, my DH froze, went white as a ghost and started shaking uncontrollably. He was having a flashback to him at the same age being picked up chair and all and slammed against the wall and then him and chair falling over on its side. He felt all the fear, hurt, confusion again. He had to walk away and I take over because he was horrified at having had that flashback.

And he then got therapy for cPTSD and started to process everything that he had previously pushed down and boxed away. We did go NC with his parents when the oldest was around 3 which was really for the best for all of us. There have been many other flashbacks as they grew up but DH has weathered them all.

I would never let them see my kids, certainly wouldn't be throwing hissy fits that they are not interested in my DC.

They are vile abusers and it is your job to keep your children safe

This is an emotionally difficult situation for your DP. You don't have the emotional involvement with PIL and can see things more clearly and behave more logically.

PIL are quite shockingly abusive. Never ever let your DC near them and do not facilitate any relationship with them.

DP I am sure would benefit from some counselling so that he can see that

1. he owes them nothing
2. they will never change into good parents

Stay strong OP and create good boundaries for yourself and your dc to keep you all safe, not just on a physical level but also on an emotional level.

Thank you so much to the helpful replies.

My children are safe with me of course they are, I would never ever put them in danger. They're my world.

I do believe my partner needs therapy - I am going to speak with him about it all.

As for 'hissy fits' I am not throwing hissy fits, like I said before I've taken a lot of shit and it's taken the little thing to break the camels back.
I never wanted to be involved with them - I've never had nice in laws so I'm used to it.