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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sulky Teen

9 replies

MooreE · 21/09/2021 20:35

I am currently struggling with my 19 year old son. I separated from his father when he was one so he has never know us together. My son lives with me but would have stayed with his dad at weekends up till he was about 17. Since that he has no interest in seeing his father. He is currently working 8-5 in an engineering apprenticeship but sits up really late playing the PlayStation an won’t get up for work. He told me a few months ago he told me he was gay an ld was seeing someone for a few weeks. He doesn’t leave the house an has no friends. He has bought car an has failed his driving test twice. I have taken his PlayStation away today. We haven’t spoke about it but he knows why as he was still in bed last nite at 8pm an never went to work. I’m really frustrated an did not know what to do for the best. Any advice would be most welcome.

OP posts:
ManifestingJoy · 21/09/2021 20:43

I've no idea. you have all of my sympathies. This post is a rant and a hijack but you're not alone. My 15 year is busy tanking his life. I'm a single parent and would be AFRAID to take the modem away. So respect to you that you even took the play station away. My 18 year old is more on track, got in to a good college, but after spending a lot of money on her today and taking the afternoon off work, she wouldn't sit with me on the bus and sent me a whatsapp to tell me not to talk to her on the bus. then when the bus got to our stop she raced off ahead and was cross with me Confused I just spent 200 on her, various bits she needed wanted (for college) but still! I just feel like she wants me to respect her right to be a brat to me. And it's ok for her to say you're embarrassing (even though I was just sitting ther) but if i say 'well that's a bit hurtful' she gets all cross with me. I have to just ACCEPT that I'm embarrassing. Honestly so sick of the pair of them tonight. I'm just a cash machine and no matter how badly they behave I must keep smiling and must not have any reaction to their drama.

honeygriff · 21/09/2021 20:45

The only thing that can control my teens poor behaviour is removal of devices. It was truly dreadful in the beginning, I recommend putting the devices in the loft! Once they realised we were serious and committed despite bad behaviour the teens used to control the situation, things improved. Keep going is my advice. However you need coping mechanisms if their behaviour deteriorates. As mine could be quite nasty. Good luck OP.

MatildaIThink · 21/09/2021 20:49

Sounds like he is severely depressed, encourage him to seek help, via his GP initially, but he also might need to go private to see a therapist.

CatsArePeople · 21/09/2021 20:51

At 19 he's a grown man, not a child. Stop wiping his backside.

Ozberry · 21/09/2021 20:56

Lots of sympathy, but I’m not sure confiscating a 19 year old’s PlayStation is really appropriate!

Is there a problem with him being gay?

It’s up to him now if he sees his dad - my 19 year old hasn’t really bothered since around the same age. And if he’s late for work he will have to take the bollocking from his boss.

It’s annoying to live with, but I wouldn’t say any of the things you are complaining about are there end of the world. He’s just in that semi in between age where he’s in control of his own life and hasn’t quite mastered it yet.

Original poster
MooreE · 22/09/2021 08:08

Thanks for all your messages. An it’s off to work this morning he goes…. It is quite hard as a single parent an mums are the parent who are usually the care givers. I myself have suffered with depression so I do fear he may have that tendency too. He had been struggling with the fact that the course an placement have taken so long to complete due to bloody covid. I di have him at counselling over a year ago but he refused to go back.

OP posts:
ManifestingJoy · 22/09/2021 08:11

It is so frustrating when they self sabotage slowly right in front of you.
At least he went in today @MooreE

mumonthehill · 22/09/2021 08:35

He is 19 and you do need to start making him take responsibility for his own life. I say this as someone who has been there. You can offer support, care, love but ultimately he needs to choose to go to work and manage his own life. Taking tech away is not appropriate at his age and he has to learn to get enough sleep and then get up in time. If he is suffering from depression then you can give him options for support but he needs to choose to take it. It is hard as they are adults but often still act like children but you need to keep in mind that he is not a child and needs to begin to grow up.

Mischance · 22/09/2021 08:48

If he is an adult - which at 19 he is - I do not think you can be trying to manipulate his behaviour by withdrawing his belongings. He is way too old for that.

He is living in your house so you are entitled to set ground rules about his behaviour there - paying his way, sharing the chores, being careful about noise etc. - but his decisions about how he leads his life are his.

If you think he might be depressed then an attempt at gentle persuasion to get help might be appropriate.

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