WIBU to make DD watch Kayleigh's Love Story?

[LazyMareofEastown]

Note this is a "Would I be unreasonable" - I haven't shown it to DD.

DD is 13 next month. Mostly mature and sensible, very good at school but getting a wee bit lazy and starting to try and impress school friends etc.

I check her phone but sometimes not for a week or two when life is chaotic (Her dad, my ex, is of the opinion that I am highly unreasonable for checking it at all thinking that a 12 year old's privacy is more important than keeping her safe).

Today I've found out that she has been using foul language in WhatsApp chats with friends and she has also set up a secret Tiktok account and has been messaging strangers (no inappropriate content - it's about an innocuous TV show but still, totally fucking dangerous).

Her phone has been removed and punishments put in place. She's making all the right noises but she doesn't seem overly sorry (other than for losing phone).

I want her to realise just how badly this sort of behaviour can turn out.

Leicestershire Police made a video called Kayleigh's Love Story after 15 year old Kayleigh Haywood was raped and murdered by a man she was groomed by on FB. 15 days from first message till he killed her. The police made this video to show to teens in school to make them aware of the threat that strangers online pose.

WIBU to make DD watch this? Or is she too young?

Am I being Draconian?

I remember Leah Betts' poor dad coming to my school and giving a talk about drugs when I was 14. I was so shocked and upset by it that I've never once touched drugs. I realise this makes me sound Pollyanna-ish but it's true. Am wondering if this video might deliver a similar short sharp shock to DD.

I don't want to traumatise her. I just want to keep her safe 😞.

WIBU and how would you deal/have you dealt with this scenario?

My 13YO DD has watched this plus Murder Games doc on BBC - because grooming doesn’t always look like grooming, it’s important to watch both, IMO.

I was groomed online as a teenager, back in the days of AOL dial up, so I’m very aware of these issues.

Ds saw this at school aged 13, definitely appropriate and with your support a really good thing to watch.
Watch it together so you're there to talk to her.

Thanks both.

Would definitely watch it with her brittle.

You sound like an excellent mum. YANBU

I think the full version is a wee bit much for a 12 yo.

I didn't realise the version I'd seen before wasn't the full version, I think the 'cut' version is enough for a 12 yo.

My heart goes out to Kayleigh's family who were brave to give their blessing for this video 🌷

I think it is a great age appropriate video to watch. I also agree with checking phones and limiting screen time in younger teens. I hope your daughter gets the shock she needs as safety is the most important thing here

I don't know that you'll do any harm by getting her to watch it, but I won't focus or rely on it - it could scare her into being more careful or she could see it and take no notice because it's one very extreme and unlikely outcome.

At 13 you should probably focus more on safe internet behavior than trying to scare her off it, which won't last even if you manager it now. Talking about a tv show on a forum or social media can be perfectly reasonable, hiding it isn't. Address the fact she was being secretive and why she felt the need to do so, and how to be safe regarding giving out personal information and not trusting strangers - talking about posting on mumsnet and different types of online communities and how to be safe in them and what to do if something seems off will produce a more productive and long term suitable conversation than fear tactics. Pushing too hard on an extreme outcome is more likely to invoke cynicism, thinking she knows better and now doesn't need to worry, and dismissing you as an old person who doesn't understand how teens use the internet.

nosy I have thought about that, she might react in a very "Ok Boomer 👍" way but the thing is we've had all the conversations you've suggested before and reinforce them regularly. PSE at school also has regular lessons about internet safety.

Yet this is the second time we've caught her making secret accounts (previous time was on discord) when she 100% knows our rules on this. The deviousness of her actions really worries me.

God knows if I had had internet access at 12 I'd have likely been the same but I just can't accept that this is the new norm (12 year olds having relatively unchecked access to the entire internet). It absolutely terrifies me.

I admit I do read a LOT about true crime so worry that I am probably skewed in my thinking re: the likelihood of an outcome like what happened to poor Kayleigh but then again these things do happen regularly. Male violence against girls and women is an everyday occurrence. Whether it's from a stranger from the internet, a family member, a "friend" or a boyfriend. It's rife. I will continue to teach her how to try and stay safe out there but it sometimes feels like a losing battle 😟.

Your absolutely 100% right to show her this.

Definitely show her the video. But also reiterate that if she breaks your rules again then she will lose internet privileges completely. You can get her a basic phone that calls and texts only. I would be concerned as you are, that she really is not taking this seriously enough.

I would be surprised if she hasn't seen it at school a gazillion times