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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say you shouldn't give an addict money?

22 replies

Lookinglass1 · 21/09/2021 19:16

We have an addict in the family.

Whenever they've ran out of cash they go to another family member with a sob story about how they need money for food or electric. This family member then hands over money knowing full well what it'll go on.

Addict obviously spends it on their habit. Money giver then acts all exasperated "Oh they've done it again.." then moans to everybody else about how hard the addicts addiction is on them.

AIBU to have called this person a bloody idiot because you should never give an addict money?

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 21/09/2021 19:18

Not at all unreasonable and you should tell them not to moan about it to you any more.

romdowa · 21/09/2021 19:18

Yanbu but enablers never listen or learn.

TimeForTeaAndG · 21/09/2021 19:19

I think if relative wasn't moaning and it was a fine line between giving them 20 quid to prevent them stealing to fund a habit then I'd be more on the relative's side.

But if I were you I'd just stay out of it. If they choose to give away their money and then moan just tell them you no longer wish to hear about how the money has been spent on drugs again.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/09/2021 19:22

It isn't going to stop them taking drugs it encourages other methods of funding their habit.
It's a vicious cycle I can understand family members helping financially to avoid further destruction.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/09/2021 19:24

AIBU to have called this person a bloody idiot.
Yes very unreasonable.

QueenoftheKarens · 21/09/2021 19:24

YANBU, if they need it for food I'd buy them food or put electric on the meter.
Never give an addict money.

Theunamedcat · 21/09/2021 19:26

Tell them you don't want to hear about it anymore be clear they are repeatedly doing the same thing expecting a different outcome and it's ridiculous

Lookinglass1 · 21/09/2021 19:34

I must have had the same conversation with this family member atleast 10 times.

Giving money is enabling, if they need food and you want to help then buy food or give something from the freezer.

"Yes, yes I know you're right. I won't do it anymore" they'll say.

Inevitably they do and I ask why we're going round in circles again and they reply "It's just so hard"

Get a fucking clue you absolute twit honestly (her, obviously)

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whattocook · 21/09/2021 19:38

Yup I had ago at my mum yesterday brother has been on heroin for 5 years now. Mum sent him
£50 yesterday for his birthday! Unbelievable

Mombie2021 · 21/09/2021 19:41

Because you find when someone says “I’ll take you food shopping/give me your electric top up card” it becomes a fucking nightmare so folk just hand cash over to avoid the aggro. It’s a good trick that works every time.

Lookinglass1 · 21/09/2021 19:42

@whattocook

Yup I had ago at my mum yesterday brother has been on heroin for 5 years now. Mum sent him £50 yesterday for his birthday! Unbelievable
What goes on in their heads?!

It's infuriating isn't it.

I'm on the verge of saying to this person that they're complicit in the addict killing themselves which they inevitably will.

All because she can't be bothered to get off her backside and walk to corner shop to buy them milk, bread and whatever else.

It's easier to just hand over money and play the saviour.

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Lookinglass1 · 21/09/2021 19:44

Not that she should be buying them anything at all that is, but if she insists on playing the saviour then actually get food or electric or whatever it is they claim they need this time.

I actually think it suits this person for them to remain an addict because they always feel needed tbh.

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ChateauxNeufDePoop · 21/09/2021 19:44

100% YABU because of the way you worded your OP.

"you should never give an addict money" is way too sweeping a generalisation, but aside from that, what practical advice is being offered to this serial "giver" to help them refuse the pleas for money? What support is being given to your relative who is an addict?

esloquehay · 21/09/2021 19:46

Is this person the parent of the person who is an Addict?

FourTeaFallOut · 21/09/2021 19:46

Is this the addict's mother, by any chance? I would never call someone in this position an idiot. It's not like they are missing some magic piece of knowledge that you have they are just driven to see their kid out of pain. I just hope I that never have to live this.

Lookinglass1 · 21/09/2021 19:54

What support is being given to your relative who is an addict?

She has an alcohol support worker and now has a prescription for medication that she has been pleading for, for months, which she isn't going to bother taking if people are merrily giving her money for booze.

Is this the addict's mother, by any chance?

No it's her sister.

It's my mother with a LD who is the addict. Alcohol.

I recently restarted contact again after being completely NC for months.

Everything was looking optimistic and she seemed determined to make changes. I set mum up with a support service and she was engaging well with them, they set her up with a prescription from the GP which she was desperate for and felt would really help.

All was going well, then my aunt starts letting her drink at her flat again and giving her money. Inevitably the wheels come off.

I really hate her at the moment.

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FourTeaFallOut · 21/09/2021 19:59

That sounds heart breaking. I can see why you are livid with your aunt.

Lookinglass1 · 21/09/2021 20:06

I feel as though this was the last chance saloon iykwim? I had to detach and cut mum off even though it really hurt me, I just couldn't handle the stress any longer as I'm pregnant and due to give birth next month.

I let my walls down and restarted contact as I was assured mum is desperate to kick it for good this time so I reluctantly let them back in (they come as a package unfortunately) and set about getting mum the support she needed.

Then this.

I don't think it's any coincidence that my aunt gave her money on the day I was due to cook dinner for mum. I almost feel as though it was a deliberate saboteur move.

She (aunt) called me up an hour before mum was due to come for dinner and announced she wouldn't be coming because she was drunk. I asked how could she be when she had no money and aunt said she gave her some for shopping.

She knows how it goes. We've been here so many times before.

My next NC will have to be the second but final one because mum is never going to commit to change when she has that moron enabling her.

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Couchbettato · 21/09/2021 20:14

It's not always that black and white.

My relative, an addict, has been in and out of prison for years. A schizophrenic as well.

He's never been able to get in with the right crowd and he's really very vulnerable because of his state.

Lately, he's been on his best behaviour after kidney failure and a stroke, but that's not to say he isn't using.

When he needs money, he will ask another family member for it, who always says yes, but does make him wait.

When I asked why. She said he's been groomed so many times by gangs to sell drugs or commit crimes for a pittance, because what other options does he have now he's a convicted criminal.

His brain damage has made it harder for him to judge what wrong and right choices are.

He's finally in semi-supported living facility.

If he were denied money from my other relative, he'd go back to his crimes, he'd be groomed, he'd be abused and he'd be the ones the police go after because they seldom go after the big guys.

If he gets put away again, he'd lose his housing. He'd be homeless. He'd probably die this time round after his stroke, and that's a faster death than he's giving himself.

He's given food, his bills get paid, but sometimes handing over money to him is the only way to make sure he's not risking losing his home, his support and his life.

I don't advocate for his lifestyle. But I know that because the justice system wouldn't tackle the source of the issue he'd just be another box checked off at the end of the day.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/09/2021 20:39

I'm sorry this is happening with your DM.

Don't blame your aunt unfortunately addicts are good liars when it comes to getting their fix.

It is tough but you need to put yourself first now,the stress will be bad for you and baby. Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2021 20:43

My favourite line by a recovering addict friend was, "why are you stealing their rock bottom?".

Lookinglass1 · 21/09/2021 20:52

I'm sorry to hear about your relative Couch, that does sound extremely tough. I can see why, after reading your post, that it's not always so black and white.

Thank you Emerald, you are right of course. It's just hard not to blame my aunt when she enables it as she's the compus mentis one and is supposed to be a support not an enabler. She's much more intelligent than mum is so I don't buy it when she says she's been deceived.

MrsTerry, I love that saying. I'm going to remember that one.

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