People Who Don't Say What they mean/won't ask for what they want

[Nothanksverymuch]

Is it just me or does this drive anyone else mad? As part of my job over the years, I have needed to be matter of fact, to the point and direct with people. Not confrontationally, I should add. I've never been particularly confident or comfortable in speaking to people, but I have got over this to an extent through work. I am able to speak up if I don't like something, don't want to do something or something isn't working etc.

It drives me insane though that other grown up adults cannot be as forthright.

I currently have a situation at work where person A is meant to be organising something. Myself and Person B also organise it. Person A doesn't want to do it and that is not a big deal. It's something that another person would be able to ( and willingly pick up). They just need to go to the manager and say this. However, they won't. They bitch and moan about organising this thing constantly, but don't bring it up to management. I raised it with management today whist in a meeting with Person A and B. I said that some people are not happy with the current arrangement and would like to offer alternatives. Person A said absolutely nothing. Managers basically told me its not a problem, keep it as it is. So now, I am back to weekly moaning from Person A.

Why can't people just be grown ups? If you don't want to do something, say so. There are so many people moaning about everything in their lives that wouldn't be an issue if they just spoke up for once.

Rant over. Tell me IANBU?!

Have you confronted person A
And told her to stop bloody moaning
And shut her down every time she does

Take a leaf out of your own advice!

People are very judgemental nowadays and many are afraid to speak out

MIL does this - so passive aggressive but never comes out directly with what the issue is. Drives me insane!

@Saladovercrispsanyday

Have you confronted person A And told her to stop bloody moaning And shut her down every time she does

Take a leaf out of your own advice!

Yes. She just shrugged and said she'll see how next week goes.

And it's a leaf out of my own book.

Yanbu. I have a relative who will complain repeatedly about someone else's behaviour but refuses to take it up with them because apparently "You can't say anything can you"

Drives me mad.

I think YABU. It’s her choice if she wants to say something or not and you shouldn’t have interfered by trying to press her into it just because you don’t want to hear her moan.

@seaandsandcastles

I think YABU. It’s her choice if she wants to say something or not and you shouldn’t have interfered by trying to press her into it just because you don’t want to hear her moan.

This. She probably just wanted to vent and thought it was a safe space to do so and you've violated that trust.

@3beesinmybonnet

Yanbu. I have a relative who will complain repeatedly about someone else's behaviour but refuses to take it up with them because apparently "You can't say anything can you"

Drives me mad.

Oh christ, I had a relative who did this, too.

I swiftly answered, "Well, clearly you can say it to me."

Don't know what the outcome was, but they never bothered me with it again, happily.

I totally agree, I hate wolly communication and it has always been a pet hate of mine with how some people communicate (and I admit that unfortunately many more than women than men do not say what they mean/want). There are people who won't say what they want, then are surprised when they do not get what they want, or get what they asked for which was not what they want, those people are idiots.

Mil was like this. Everything was a big mystery.

I surprised you don't have more empathy tbh, seeing as it wasn't something that came naturally to you either and you had to work on as much as you could due to your job.

I raised it with management today whist in a meeting with Person A and B. I said that some people are not happy with the current arrangement and would like to offer alternatives. Person A said absolutely nothing.

Perhaps it would have been more useful if you'd agreed with person A that you were going to do this! Given them time to think up some alternatives to ''offer''. Or did you just want to make them squirm?

Imagine having someone bring your issues up with management in front of you without briefing you that they were going to do so. And then have the cheek to wonder why you had nothing to say off the cuff!

Some people like to moan, she is one of them. You'll see it here a lot over Christmas.

So A is not actually asking anything from you, you just don’t enjoy her choice of conversation topics? A lot of people are boring and repetitive but you don’t get to control that. You can only control how you behave and in this case I suggest you just tune out when the complaining starts. You can tell her A you don’t want to hear it and/or suggest she talk to the boss, although of course you must know that wouldn’t reflect well on A regardless of anyone else’s willingness to do it. What you can’t do (at least not if you want your coworkers to trust you and your boss to think you have good judgment) is go over A’s head just because you find her conversation topics annoying. There’s a difference between communicating directly and throwing someone under the bus.

It's hard if you are raised to haveno needs, no perspective, to be obliging.... bend with the wind.

I find now at 51 i can finally say "no sorry" or "you went ahead and did what i asked you to not to do twice"

So in my one and only experience, being assertive results in a mother not talking to you a colleague blanking you, or a friendship made awkward.

If you are naturally assertive you are lucky because lots of us our experience is that if we are direct, we are ignored / disregarded / excluded

@Ponoka7

Some people like to moan, she is one of them. You'll see it here a lot over Christmas.

That’s not the same thing as a work situation. Family dynamics are incredibly complicated and sometimes being direct will get you the opposite of the result you are hoping for, or at the very least cause an unacceptable level of collateral damage. Understanding that kind of nuance is a very valuable social skill.