Trying not to be that mother.

[NothingEverChangesButTheShoes]

DD attends an after school club where they give a trophy after the end of the lesson each week. Since opening she has only had the trophy once, wheras some of the other girls have had it multiple times. DD is only 7 and has been coming out increasingly upset because she really wants to win. Here's my AIBU. Should I call them and ask why, or should I leave it? I don't want them to give her the trophy once and then for her to not get it for another 12 months.
Yes - Call them
No - Practice at home and hope she wins.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I don't want to sound like that mother.

That's a confusing voting system

You shouldn't call them

Just leave it OP

What's the trophy for? Does it reward achievement eg demonstrating skills etc? Or is it for effort?

Find out what it's for. It may be something where she needs to practise a lot or if its achievement based and there are some very talented other kids, talk to the club about how they recognise effort & commitment too.

If it's something that she has to win by way of a task then they can't give it to her unless she wins surely?

What's it for?

She's had the trophy once so just leave it or you will be that mother.

It is for dancing. It seems to be either for a good try/improvement/best performance.

We all need to learn we can't win all the time at everything, but it's tough to see that with your children.
Try not to make a big thing of it, and let it be.

If it’s a merit based trophy then she needs to practice at home. If it’s just for fun and the kids win it in rotation then call them.

Sadly though if it’s meritious then it’s a good life lesson, she needs to do the work and compete

Ah ok, so winning it is subjective. I'd hope in that case they keep an eye on the winners and try and even it out a bit, but all you can do is just try and keep her motivated to give it her best/enjoy it for what it is.

I used have this at karate that a mum would go up and ask for her kids to have it. In the end I just put my hand up at the end of training session and congratulated all the children on how hard they worked and said I could see how dismayed they were by never winning but to keep working hard. Funnily enough it got fairer after that.

Surely it's a lesson that life is not always fair. She's got it once. If she wants it again then she needs to try harder or improve etc

I am trying to be objective, and I know it is competetive, but I feel so sorry for her because she is really trying hard and was unconsolable last night. I don't want her to lose interest in her hobby because she loves dancing and has had some really good exam results. It just seems that the others are better, which is fair enough, it is a life lesson at the end of the day.
As a mother it is so hard to see her disheartened. I don't want them to give it out of pity, but at the end of the day I pay a lot of money for classes and surely they could make it a little bit fairer. We're not at Covent Garden after all.
Life lessons all round I think.

@NothingEverChangesButTheShoes

I am trying to be objective, and I know it is competetive, but I feel so sorry for her because she is really trying hard and was unconsolable last night. I don't want her to lose interest in her hobby because she loves dancing and has had some really good exam results. It just seems that the others are better, which is fair enough, it is a life lesson at the end of the day. As a mother it is so hard to see her disheartened. I don't want them to give it out of pity, but at the end of the day I pay a lot of money for classes and surely they could make it a little bit fairer. We're not at Covent Garden after all. Life lessons all round I think.

But she has won it once and if you do ask about it then she will definitely be getting it just for that reason, which won't help her.

I think if she is inconsolable about not winning, that's the thing you need to focus on. The best you can do is just remind her remind her that she did win, but that we can't always win things all the time and to keep trying her hardest and practicing and she will likely win again one day.

If it's after school club I guess you aren't there to watch? Could it be that she's chatting/not concentrating or something like that?

If she inconsolable then you really need to consider if a competition based dance school is the right place for her.

I have asked before when it wasn't merit based, but more 'best effort' type thing. My child was younger (5) and when I bought it up I did point out that for every child who got 'best effort' there were 29 children who didn't every week and that some children would be waiting until the last term. If it's based on actual merit, I think you need to leave it though but if it's application or trying, I might say something.

I would flag with them tbh. They probably aren’t keeping track and it might be worth a mention.

You might find there are other dance schools that are less competitive and more welcoming of people there to enjoy themselves.

You can spot them because the focus is more likely to be on a show where everyone is involved, rather than performances with soloists, or on extremely high exam results, or on getting students into dance schools.

I should have said. There are six children in the class.

Aww feel for your DD, been there done that with DS, football player of the week, as a defender you were unlikely to win it as it was the people scoring the goals who usually got it .
Personally I wish they would do away with these awards, they are usually meaningless. Just let the kids enjoy and learn!
You could say something around making sure everyone gets an award equally over time to boost confidence, not make it about your dd specifically but about all the kids getting positive recognition.
Also maybe have a chat with dd to reiterate that her enjoying it and learning her skills are more important than an award, you know she is working hard etc, that should be her motivation.
That said, she's 7 so I know she may not get it and it will seem unfair

This happened to DC all the way through school and after school clubs. They never got noticed, never got praised, never won star of the week. Both my DC pretty soon realised it was a pointless fatuous thing to win and stopped wanting it or trying for it. Interestingly, both mine became self-motivated high achievers, and I reckon part of the process was them realising how ineffectual it is to strive to win a trophy. Better off thinking about what you want to get good at and doing it for its own sake.

Try to encourage this in her. Just shrug and say: 'What matters is whether you enjoy dance and want to get good at it. That trophy isn't important. If you enjoy it and like practising and want to get good at it, keep doing it. If not, we'll look for something else next term.'

How long has she been attending this club?

Sorry, posted too soon!

Meant to say how long has she been attending? Is it a really long time for her to not have won the award more than once?

At that age, in an extra curricular class that's supposed to be fun, I'd consider another class. They'll be plenty of life lessons elsewhere.

Or ask them what the award is for because she wants to work on getting it again.

Better to be 'that Mother' than totally fail to communicate with them and just be pissed off. And you can speak to them in a positive way, doesn't have to be a demand.