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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthdays at work

26 replies

HadlowLandscapes · 21/09/2021 07:10

I am bottom of the food chain in a team of 9. Well, there's say 2/3 members that have higher positions, the rest of us are the minions. I have been part of this team for 6 years and we have never done anything social as a team. We have also never celebrated birthdays, even through throughout the years there's been the off person bringing cupcakes or whatever because it was their birthday. Nothing too structured or planned. My birthday has never been acknowledged in any way shape or form, not ever. This suits me just fine. I really don't want to get into having to acknowledge birthdays from people I work with. I know this might sound a bit miserable, but the people I work with are not my mates; we work together just fine but I would never see them outside a work context.

A member of the team has randomly sent an email saying that it's someone's birthday and she's bought a card and a bottle, and can we sign and contribute. The gift and card will be given to her at our next team meeting. This person is top of the food chain, not just within our team, but within the department.

I have not seen replies from anyone, but I am quite certain that everyone will go along with it. I really don't want to. Problem is, it will look incredibly obvious if I am not part of it as the whole thing's being done in the team meeting.

I know it's incredibly miserable of me but I resent it. We either do it for all or not at all. Certainly not just for the top dog. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/09/2021 07:13

Maybe it will be the start of something?

I think the root of this is that you don't like being at the bottom of the chain, as you put it. Is it a ice environment to work in?

Original poster
HadlowLandscapes · 21/09/2021 07:22

It's really not about being bottom of the food chain. Really not at all. It's just that it's so random and creates an obligation, and it's happening for the top dog's birthday, whilst it doesn't usually happen for anyone else.

OP posts:
AnotheChinHair · 21/09/2021 07:23

Fuck that
YANBU

junebirthdaygirl · 21/09/2021 07:25

Are ye just back after working from home? Maybe she just wants to introduce a little festivity to the team. I hate anyone marking my birthday in work..its just embarrassing!!
Don't think you can get out of it without being a grouch so l am afraid you will have to throw something in. But l do think the purchaser should have checked beforehand.

Bioilail · 21/09/2021 07:26

Personally I would hate that. I am glad that birthdays are not acknowledged at my work and would resent anyone starting this kind of shit. My birthday is in the holidays which in the past has meant I contribute for everyone's birthdays, but then it's okay for my birthday to go ignored as it happened in the holidays!

BlackShadowCat · 21/09/2021 07:27

I agree with you, OP. I can't be arsed with doing birthdays at work. I'd hate it if something like this started.

Some people just love organising things though. Maybe just ignore it and hope no one responds.

Is the person organising it top dog or the person receiving it top dog? I couldn't tell.

MoiraNotRuby · 21/09/2021 07:29

I had a similar situation recently. I said "I was happy with the old system as I have to budget carefully. However I'm all for team spirit and am very happy to put my name in a card and send all very best wishes."

Puts the onus back on the organiser who should have checked.

Ponoka7 · 21/09/2021 07:32

My DD, as a manager does everything she can to give requested holidays, cover shifts, accommodate time off because of care needs and she went into houses (residential) which had Covid in. She really appreciated when last birthday the Staff clubbed together to get her something. So if it was that situation then I'd go with it as a one off after coming out of lock down.

Beautiful3 · 21/09/2021 07:46

You can always say no thanks, if asked directly and leave it at that.

thelastgoldeneagle · 21/09/2021 07:54

I'd email her and say 'Oh, when did we start marking birthdays? We can't just do it for one person, especially the one who gets paid most; we have to do it for everyone. Money is tight at the moment - you should have checked that this was OK with the team before going ahead and buying the wine. Have you got a list of everyone's birthdays?' and see what they say.

lurker101 · 21/09/2021 07:57

Is it a significant birthday? My work tends to do something for 30, 40, 50 etc. but not others

BraveBananaBadge · 21/09/2021 08:08

I used to hate doing this, in fact managed to shut it down at a time when some of the team were on mat leave/ left, which I thought was the end of it. It crept back in and I learned to live with it. All we do is push the same amount of money round which seems daft but at least I get back what goes in and it's not in the form of gifts I don't use.

In my team it does come from a thoughtful place and they're a considerate bunch really. It's not clear what the thinking is behind it In your case, for it to come out of nowhere after all these years I wouldn't be best pleased either.

2Hot2Handle · 21/09/2021 08:15

Some ideas of how to respond…

  • Sign the card, but don’t contribute any money. Unlikely they will be tracking what everyone is putting in.
  • Or put in a token sum, like £1.
  • Respond with “That’s very nice of you. Shall we create a birthday list of everyone, so we know who’s next? Shall we send you our birthdays?” so that hopefully the organiser gets the point that everyone has a birthday and should get equal treatment and that would take a bit of organising.
BobsBurgersisthebest · 21/09/2021 08:17

Is it a "big" birthday?

gannett · 21/09/2021 08:25

Sign the card and offer a bland "sorry not in my budget right now" apology re: contributing.

Don't think anyone should ever have to put in money to colleagues' birthdays, especially not for those earning more than them.

Biscuits1 · 21/09/2021 08:38

I was once in a similar situation with gifts for someone who was switching teams when we hadn't done it for the previous person. I said I didn't think it was fair and ended up looking like the bad guy. I learnt my lesson and in my next jobs, I always have gone along even if I don't always agree. Believe me it's not worth the few pounds that is usually asked for. Hopefully it will only be done because the person is higher management.

Glssr195726113493 · 21/09/2021 09:27

You’re well within your rights to not take part. But the fall out from it will be yours to deal with, if you believe such a thing will happen.

NormanStangerson · 21/09/2021 09:31

At a place of work, where we all worked intensely together and had formed really solid bonds, a particularly popular member of staff’s 30th was celebrated company-wide. The business owners made a generous contribution. This person was the same level as me and yet my 30th (soon after) was subsequently ignored totally. That stuck in my craw a bit and affected how I felt about everyone for a while. I didn’t want ‘stuff’ or money, it was the principle, the inequality that bothered me.

Anyway, I am self employed now and my birthday is always a big deal (to me).

georgefrederickhandel · 21/09/2021 20:47

I can't bear the office do-gooders who choose to get a card and pressie for someone's birthday to show everyone how lovely and friendly they are, but they can't bear for absolutely everyone else not to find out about it OR, god forbid, for them to carry the cost of something they've chosen to do so want others to contribute knowing that they'll get the glory for organising it anyway. Fuck of with that shit already!!!!!

georgefrederickhandel · 21/09/2021 20:50

Oh shit I hate it when I misspell swear words. I meant to say FUCK OFF WITH THAT SHIT ALREADY!!

georgefrederickhandel · 21/09/2021 20:53

And while we're on the subject of annoying office twats, something that really gets my goat is the fucking annoying member of the team who will spend the leftover money from a contribution to buy flowers to another member 'to thank them for all their hard work'. Yes, without asking anybody else if they wish to do that. Oh, and implying that everybody else is not working quite as hard.

pelosi · 21/09/2021 20:54

Sounds like this person is abusing their position. Will they know how much you contributed? I used to put in 20p 🤣

georgefrederickhandel · 21/09/2021 20:56

Oh oh, I have another one. The team member that makes a permanent display with all the thank you cards they've ever received for everyone to read and admire and feel bad because they haven't given them a thank you card for being so fucking amazing.

PeaceLoveAndCandy · 21/09/2021 20:58

@georgefrederickhandel 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

AnotheChinHair · 21/09/2021 21:05

My birthday also falls in the holidays and always gets ignored, whilst I feel under the obligation to contribute for others' birthdays. I think it's stupid to do collections/presents for work colleagues.