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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL looking after baby

27 replies

Newmama93 · 21/09/2021 05:22

Hi mummas,

Want some honest feedback whether I’m being too soft of a mum and unreasonable or whether you’d feel the same. My bub is 6 months old in a week, he’s my first and a relatively fussy baby. He’s teething at the moment so is it a bit more whingy than usual. MIL always says she doesn’t get to see him.. doesn’t get to mind him, why can’t we go out so she can look after him etc. she’s staying at the moment for two nights. All she’s said so far to him is you’re a spoilt brat (this is as a joke but still it’s getting on my nerves), your mother spoils you rotten, you can never play by yourself, quit your whinging nothings wrong with you. I went to have a shower so I asked her to watch him, he’s showing signs of being unhappy and bored of his jumper he’s crying out, flapping his arms and she yells out oh you’re chatting good boy from the kitchen.. he’s clearly distressed. She NEVER entertains him, she’ll sit him on her lap in front of the television or in the bouncer.. doesn’t give him toys, what do you expect the kid to do just sit in a chair? He’s not the type of baby who enjoys to watch people he’s fussy and cranky especially with his teeth. She’s shoving a dummy in his face constantly when he doesn’t take a dummy and never has.. it’s extremely stressful for me and I don’t find her helpful. AIBU to say no to looking after him when my mum does? How do I explain this?

Thanks

OP posts:
MintJulia · 21/09/2021 05:41

YANBU. First principle, your baby, your rules.

What your MIL thinks is irrelevant. She's done her baby raising. Now it's your turn.

If you aren't happy leaving your child with her, then don't. When she does something your child isn't happy with or he doesn't like, openly correct it in front of her. Assert yourself and make sure she knows what you prefer.

To be fair, baby advice changes constantly so what she was taught 30 or 40 years ago would now be considered poor advice, which may help you understand her, but the fact remains, if you aren't comfortable with her actions then you shouldn't leave her in sole care of your child.

And you aren't being 'soft'. Your baby needs you, not her. I didn't leave my son for more than a few hours for the first two years, and even then, only with his father.

NessieMcNessface · 21/09/2021 05:58

I agree with everything MintJulia has said 100%. However, it is a bit of a problem if you’re happy with your Mum looking after him but not your MIL. I would probably take the coward’s way out and not let your MIL
know that your Mum looks after him more! Stay strong and don’t doubt yourself. Once again; your baby, your rules.

Original poster
Newmama93 · 21/09/2021 07:10

Thank you both! Xx

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 21/09/2021 07:14

Spoilt brat as a joke?!

2Hot2Handle · 21/09/2021 07:35

Follow your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable about your MIL looking after your little one, then you shouldn’t feel pressured to let her. She’s demonstrating in your presence that her idea of care is very different to yours.
Stick to your guns and if she asks outright, just explain that your DC needs his mum and you don’t need a night out yet, but it’s very lovely of her to offer.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 21/09/2021 07:41

For a different perspective, try and see it from her side. She’s desperate to bond with him and children benefit from having positive relationships with grandparents/other adults in their lives. Yes she has some very old school approaches and you’ll both (you and DH) need to be upfront with her that there are rules to follow if you’re all going to be comfortable with her spending time alone with him.
It would be a shame to rule her out when there could be a way of moving forward together with a shared understanding. The alternative would drive a wedge that may never be repaired.

JollyJlly · 21/09/2021 07:43

@MintJulia 100% I could not have put it better myself.

thelastgoldeneagle · 21/09/2021 07:52

You’re a spoilt brat (this is as a joke but still it’s getting on my nerves), your mother spoils you rotten, you can never play by yourself, quit your whinging nothings wrong with you.

FFS. This really isn't the way to build a bond with your GC, is it? I'd never leave your dc with her. Is she this uncaring with her own children and other family members?? Has she ever actually looked after a baby before?

girlmom21 · 21/09/2021 08:02

If someone was talking to my child like that, even if they're too young to understand, I'd call them out on it.

00100001 · 21/09/2021 08:08

She's a shit carer.

Tell her no.

EatYourVegetables · 21/09/2021 08:08

Re spoilt brat, imagine if somepne said to MIL “You’re a nasty old cow aren’t you, and terrible with kids” and tried to pass it as a joke Confused

Brollywasntneededafterall · 21/09/2021 08:13

Bin all dummies then she can't try and force one. Play her at her own game.
Oh isn't dgm being silly..?
Can't dgm play any games?
Why can't dgm make you laugh instead of crying?
Dgm doesn't know you very well if she can't make you laugh..

DammedifIdo · 21/09/2021 08:24

I don't think she will be able to change. At best she will bite her tongue. Don't trust her unsupervised. Imagine how much worse she is on her own. I would subtly call her out "has nanny forgotten her manners again?" "Is she ignoring you? Shall we ignore nanny and she if she likes being stuck in a chair? Would you like mummy to look after you?" Etc

saraclara · 21/09/2021 08:30

I would subtly call her out "has nanny forgotten her manners again?" "Is she ignoring you? Shall we ignore nanny and she if she likes being stuck in a chair? Would you like mummy to look after you?" Etc

Oh for goodness sake. That's not subtle, it's passive aggressive. People are always coming on here to complain that their MILs talk to their baby like that "is mummy not feeding you properly?" etc. It's awful whoever does it.

FTEngineerM · 21/09/2021 08:33

Why are there dummies there if he doesn’t take one? Did she bring them?

RedHelenB · 21/09/2021 08:37

You do sound a bit pfb, babies don't need to be played with all the time and they do need to learn that nor everyone will react to them in the same way. You can tell if someone loves your baby and if she does then accept that how she interacts will be different to you.

Walktwomoons · 21/09/2021 08:41

What does your husband say about it? It's his Mum, maybe he has some idea of how she was with them as kids etc.
Also some people are better at the physical care bits of looking after a baby rather than playing with them. Try her on something practical like feeding him or getting him dressed. Harder to fuck up. Also if you go out for the evening once he's in bed, she will only be giving him a bottle if he wakes, so again, hard to fuck up.
My mil is similar in terms of saying nasty stuff, although she does play with her grandchildren. I did used to let her look after my daughter in the other room while I got stuff done or for 10 mins while I popped to the shop. Also I used to only leave my daughter with my Dad if my Mum was there too since he was a bit old school- perhaps you could do similar with your MiL and your husband?

BreatheAndFocus · 21/09/2021 08:43

She sounds resentful of the fact he’s your baby. All that rubbish about you ‘spoiling’ him and him ‘whinging’ is just nasty - to you as well as your baby. She sounds angry because your DS understandably prefers you. Your DS doesn’t want her and instead of making efforts to be loving towards him and to see what he wants, she can’t stop herself making snide remarks.

So no, I wouldn’t let her babysit him. You don’t necessarily have to explain, just say No. If she raises the fact your mum looks after him, you can either pretend that was for an emergency occasion, or downplay it. How does she know your mum looks after him? And where are the dummies coming from? If he doesn’t have dummies, shoving one in his mouth is rude and horrible. She doesn’t sound very patient with him. Don’t be made to feel guilty. Your responsibility is to your baby not her.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 21/09/2021 08:59

No I wouldn’t let her take care of him. She isn’t tuned into his needs and clearly has no interest in doing so. Your duty is to your baby. His needs trump your MIL’s.

lovescaca · 21/09/2021 09:07

I had this problem with my mil when my ds (3) was a baby. He just never took to her and I wasn't putting my baby in that distress, she just done things differently to me and my mum (who listened to what I said about how I like things done) so I just said to my mil u can have him when he's more comfortable and settled with u and I dnt feel he is 🤷🏼‍♀️. My ds is now 3.5 and has just started asking to sleep over at mil and he loves it. She has been watching him for a few hours since he was about 2 because that's when I felt he was wanting to be with her. Dnt worry about her feelings. She's been a mum if she dsnt get it then it's not ur problem x

lovescaca · 21/09/2021 09:11

My pet peeve is when grans say I have done this all before 🤦🏼‍♀️. and what I have said to my mum and mil is, not with my ds u haven't, all babies are different and until you learn my way of doing things and how my ds likes things done that he's not going to feel settled with u 🤷🏼‍♀️.

00100001 · 21/09/2021 11:10

@RedHelenB

You do sound a bit pfb, babies don't need to be played with all the time and they do need to learn that nor everyone will react to them in the same way. You can tell if someone loves your baby and if she does then accept that how she interacts will be different to you.
But they don't need to be called names, left to cry or their cries dismissed as nothing.
avocadotofu · 21/09/2021 14:01

Honestly she sounds awful. I definitely wouldn't let her look after your baby.

Original poster
Newmama93 · 22/09/2021 08:33

Hubby NOT supportive, says I need to learn the way his family joke and speak and stop taking everything to heart. Bloody pain

OP posts:
Confusedandshaken · 22/09/2021 08:39

@Newmama93

Hubby NOT supportive, says I need to learn the way his family joke and speak and stop taking everything to heart. Bloody pain
Your husband may have a point. Your son is just as much a part of your DHs family as he is yours and will soon learn that things are very different with one set of GP to the other. That won't strike him as odd or wrong - it will just be his normal.
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