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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel unappreciated?

9 replies

Wishingstaar · 20/09/2021 15:53

I am a single mum to 2 daughter's. One aged nine and one aged 19 months. They both have the same father, however we did split up when my oldest was just a baby, and my youngest daughter is the result of one night many years later. I don't know why I went back there, I don't even enjoy sex, I think I was lonely and he was pestering me so I went along with it. (And fell pregnant) anyway. As a dad he's bloody useless. He didn't want the youngest and told me to get an abortion..I told him I couldn't do that but if he didn't want to be involved he didn't have to be and I wouldn't expect anythin from him..which is just aswell because I get nothing. I'm not just talking financially, I get no help at all. I'm on my own with no friends or family and I live with depression and anxiety which I have done all my life so I think I've done really well to bring up the girls by myself even though it's bloody hard. My oldest daughter however thinks the sun shines out her dad's backside. Even though he sees her once at a weekend every other week when he can be arsed. Doesn't provide financially and doesn't help at all. Doesn't get birthday gifts or Xmas gifts. Nothing. It really makes me sad that I push myself to the limit , financially, mentally, physically and emotionally for the girls and my oldest just seems to be permanently annoyed with me. Like I can't do anything right. And her dad is an angel. We have been looking at moving away from the area for a while as it's quite a bad area and I found a lovely little place in a quiet town next to the seaside and I thought she would be excited but all age said was what about my dad? I wanted to scream your dad can't even be arsed to see you when we live 20 minutes away so it won't make a difference but I just went in my room and cried and then came here. Any advice would be great. Thank you x

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 20/09/2021 16:00

So he see's the eldest but not the youngest? Oh that will be very upsetting for your youngest when she's old enough to know what's going on :( I think you should just move, it will be better for you all. I know it's hard but I'm sure when she gets older you daughter will realise how actually looked after her, she's just a child now and doesn't get it

RandomMess · 20/09/2021 16:02

Not surprised you cried Thanks

Is there any reason you haven't gone to CMS for child
Maintenance? Even if it's £7 per week it's something to help.

Original poster
Wishingstaar · 20/09/2021 16:07

@AryaStarkWolf yes he sees the eldest occasionally, he waits downstairs in the car to pick her up and drop her off. I don't even know how I would begin to explain it to the little one when she's older.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishingstaar · 20/09/2021 16:10

@RandomMess I have went through them but he is self employed so he doesn't declare his earnings as he should. They had said they would investigate but I've just been fobbed off time and time again. I've managed ok working part time when the oldest was at school before I had the little one, now I just sell crafts etc to make ends meet and we do ok. It's just sad that he cares so little.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 20/09/2021 16:11

[quote Wishingstaar]@AryaStarkWolf yes he sees the eldest occasionally, he waits downstairs in the car to pick her up and drop her off. I don't even know how I would begin to explain it to the little one when she's older.[/quote]
He sounds really toxic tbh, move to the sea side Flowers

Original poster
Wishingstaar · 20/09/2021 16:16

@AryaStarkWolf Yes, I really think it will be so good for us. I just know that I'll be accused of taking his kids away (even though he doesn't bother his arse) but will be a good way for him to say he doesn't see his kids as their mum took them away and removes his responsibility. And I feel like my daughter would resent me. I try so hard and my while life is for them. Its hard explaining that to a 9 year old though.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 20/09/2021 16:19

[quote Wishingstaar]@AryaStarkWolf Yes, I really think it will be so good for us. I just know that I'll be accused of taking his kids away (even though he doesn't bother his arse) but will be a good way for him to say he doesn't see his kids as their mum took them away and removes his responsibility. And I feel like my daughter would resent me. I try so hard and my while life is for them. Its hard explaining that to a 9 year old though.[/quote]
let him say whatever he wants, that shouldn't dictate your life. And surely you're only taking his "kid" away from him considering he will only see one of them. I understand it will be hard to explain to your youngest but I'm sure she will understand when she's older. How far away is the town you want to move to from him?

Tal45 · 20/09/2021 16:19

It's easy to idealise someone you hardly see and doesn't have to deal with all the day to day crap. That is what is going on here, she is idealising him. You are actually far more important to her because your relationship with her is real and she can be completely herself with you - and that includes being angry, being annoyed etc but ultimately feeling safe to be those things. She just doesn't know it because she is 9.

This is a difficult situation though, will her dad make the effort to come and see her if she is further away? At the moment she sees him as very important to her and if he stops seeing her because you move - well she may blame you and it could be very difficult. In the long term this could be a positive because he doesn't sound like a great dad, but on the other hand it might be a disaster......it's just impossible to know.

Cocomarine · 20/09/2021 16:26

How far away is this place by the sea?
It’s not her fault that her dad is an arsehole. But it sounds like he has been a continuous presence in her life, and regular - albeit every other week. It’s a bit hard to tell how regular as your don’t say how often he cancels.
So if they new place is an hour away, it would be easy to say, “oh I just be driving you over to daddy’s on Saturdays as usual sweetie.”

Are you sure she didn’t jump to her most persuasive argument, which was actually covering uncertainty about a move in general? At 9, mine would have been scared at the change and devastated (I sit exaggerate) to leave friends. So I’d definitely consider that this isn’t just about her dad.

My ex isn’t a total deadbeat - but he’s definitely got the sun out of his arse whilst I do the hard work too. I always think - that’s unfair on me, but actually I prefer my child to be happy with both parents for her own well-being, and I’m proud of myself that she feels she can chat positively about him, and isn’t caught up in any adult arguments. So good for you for the positive and child appropriate environment that she has around this!

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