To feel angry all the time

[itsmellslikepopcarn]

I’ve posted a couple times about DD dad and his shortcomings as a dad, and it all just seems to becoming worse and worse.

Ex has generally always worked shifts and doesn’t tell me before the day when he is able to have DD. He has since been promoted to the manager of a coffee shop, and over the last few weeks his time with DD has significantly dwindled. He will have her overnight 1-2 nights a week, but most of the time not even colllecting her from school, instead collecting her at 5.30 from my house, after she’s had tea because apparently this is the only time he has. Apparently he has no days off work to see her and actually spend real time with her rather than having her to basically bath her and put her to bed.

I feel so angry for DD. She is such an amazing little girl, she is so full of character and life, but somehow over the last couple of years she has developed an anxiousness and rarely wants to leave me. She refused to go to his house a couple weeks ago, and rather than see his failings and recognise how little effort he’s putting in is finally catching up with him, he instead accused me of “poisoning” her against him.

I had a completely absent dad from age 3 until he died a few years ago, and I know that’s probably where my anger is coming from because I don’t want the same for her.

Is there anything I can do in this situation? Can a court order say he has to have her EOW and he has to make work arrangements or should I stop trying to fight a losing battle and try and deal with it mentally?

Anyone any advice?

How old is she? Poor love deserves more from her Dad.

I think the uncertainty is the most damaging thing. I'd personally go for a court order so visits are set in stone. It's more certain for your daughter, less stressful for you, and if he messes up he loses contact. She'll know when to expect him even if it's not so regularly, and she gets certainty and predictability which will make her a lot happier.

The court cannot force him to have her though. If he does not want access, he cannot be made to have it. By all means suggest set days, encourage court appointed access, but accept he might just ignore it all anyway.

I would make it clear to him that you expect a reasonable amount of notice, say 48 hours and if he cannot and does not provide this, your daughter will have other arrangements.

Just to reassure you both my kids have terrible anxiety and are super clingy to us since lockdown. It's not always about parents not being there.

Thank you all. I definitely think the lack of a solid routine affects her, to suddenly have plans change at the drop of a hat cause he’s got in touch an hour before to say he can have her on a certain evening.

She will be 6 in a couple of months.

I don't know how court orders work but I would say your daughter needs clarity and I would make communication really clear with him and her about expected arrangements and if he messes up then it's on him. I would also suggest you get some support for how this is triggering you emotionally, which is completely understandable OP. It's completely ok to feel anger about this situation, it sounds difficult but don't underestimate your daughter's resilience in dealing with it. Maybe some of that anger needs to be channeled into ensuring you have very strong boundaries with your ex and you are modelling it for your little girl. Good luck.

Yes that sounds shit. My kids love routine and need to know what is happening or they get anxious. He is letting her down badly and he needs to 'adult up' and understand that she needs better treatment. Kids are relatively straightforward in their needs.

Well you can force his hand by saying he picks her up from school or not at all.

He must get one day off a week and he is choosing to not spend it with DD.

He will be the Dad he will be. And you can't change that. My kids had an ad hoc relationship with their Dad, he'd ring or text them to see if they were available this day/ time and they either were or weren't. Meant that as they got older they'd not feel guilty for having arrangements with friends or clubs instead of seeing their Dad. Youngest now doesn't really want to see him nut at least I know I've never stopped him from doing so. And my kids actually liked the fact they didn't have to do every other weekend and spent every Christmas at homeas my house is their home.

I do think he has more time off than he says, he has a new girlfriend (again) and after introducing the last one straight away and DD being distraught when they separated I told him he is not to have DD around her at all for at least 6 months or so, so I’m guessing he’s choosing to spend his time off with her instead.

It just angers me so much. I cannot understand going a week without seeing your child and not even messaging to see how they are or calling to speak to her. Every single day that goes past I feel more and more angry for her.

If it's not set by court order then I'd do as PP suggests, text him and say you need at least 48 hours notice of contact arrangements and to pick her up from school on the day. And stick to it. Night before, no DD will not be available, we need 48 hours notice. If he wants proper access then he can go and apply for it.

She is going to start wanting to do after school clubs and things soon no doubt as well so he can't just pick and choose.

@TimeForTeaAndG

If it's not set by court order then I'd do as PP suggests, text him and say you need at least 48 hours notice of contact arrangements and to pick her up from school on the day. And stick to it. Night before, no DD will not be available, we need 48 hours notice. If he wants proper access then he can go and apply for it.

She is going to start wanting to do after school clubs and things soon no doubt as well so he can't just pick and choose.

Thank you, I will do this,

She already does swimming, we are looking at rainbows, she is going to friends house for tea sometimes and has sleepovers at my parents every few weeks so he needs to get more organised, I’m not dropping everything to suit him anymore.