Hi, I'm posting here as this is the only forum I've ever followed and I'm not sure what I'm doing to be honest.
DS16 had an awful year last year. Lockdown, GCSE pressure from school (not us) and some horrible periods of school refusal. We got referrals to MH support - inside and outside of school, and once lockdowns lifted and GCSE info was clearer, things felt much better. He started going out, seeing friends - lots of skateboarding, part time job etc. In and out lots at home over the summer, and didn't spend a huge amount of time with us, but as to be expected with age & post-lockdown freedoms. He got his GCSE results, did well and decided to go to a college in the next town, instead of local 6th form. All fine with us - we had questions about logistics for travel etc. but he eventually looked it all up. His GF lives a few miles away and also at the same college. He's been staying at GFs house (about 8 miles away) fairly regularly, but texted last weekend to say he's unhappy with us and wants to stay at his GFs for the foreseeable. I didn't like it but knew there wasn't much I could do, so I transferred money for his bus pass, asked him to come home for dinner Friday so he could also go to work Saturday am. Instead he met us for food then headed back to GFs and got the bus to work early the next morning. My DH got cross after DS had left and said to leave him to sort himself out - don't give him money until he's prepared to come home and talk to us properly. We are agreed we don't want to stop him doing anything, but would like to agree how many nights he is staying out each week and talk about what's making him unhappy.
I've been texting DS over the weekend, asking him if we can talk and sort stuff out. He told me he doesn't want to talk to me and to leave him alone. Late last night he texted and asked for bus pass money. I replied saying I'd be happy to pay him bus pass and allowance, but we need to be able to communicate and could he agree to talk to me about what's wrong. No reply. This morning he texted to say he can't go to college because I won't give him money, so it's my fault and I'll be fined. I tried to speak on the phone, he hung up on me several times so I drove over to speak to him. When I got there, he was horrible. Wouldn't look at me, barely spoke other than to say I was an F'ing Btch and a Sht parent. GFs mum came out to tell me how upset he's been and it's hard for him, coming from an unhappy home and that I'm blocking his right to education by not paying for his bus pass. I was calm, but pointed out that it feels very hurtful that he doesn't want anything to do with me, other than money, and that we've never actually stopped him from doing anything, we just want to be able to have a dialogue about what he's doing. He told me again what a sh*t parent I was, so I decided to leave. I transferred the money for his bus fare and asked him to focus on attending his lessons. He replied to say he's not going in today as I've upset him too much.
I don't know what I'm asking for here, but I just need to get it all out. When DH gets in and I tell him I went over, he'll tell me to stop enabling DS and let him find his own way, but I'm so scared I'll lose DS.
I'm sat here doubting myself and doubting everything we've ever done - the town we chose to raise our children, choices we've made for them, even jobs we've had - everything I've done as a parent. I thought he was mainly happy but had had a bad time in lockdown. How have I messed it up so badly? Will it be like this with DD13 and DS6, who I have always thought were happy? How do I learn to be a better mum? Will he come back to me?