AIBU to think that this is a bit off. Xmas present related.

[dragonstitcher]

DHs two eldest grown up children live overseas with their families. They are both very well off, we struggle. Every year they buy my three girls (2 stepsisters and 1 half-sister) a very small present each, a small purse or keyring etc, which I am grateful for. They also buy a bigger presents for their own children from Granddad (DH) and instruct him how much to put in their bank account to cover it. We don't get to choose what the gift is or how much to spend and we are struggling to scrape up the amount asked for.

I am all for DH buying his grandchildren presents and accept that this is a very good way of doing it, cutting out postage etc, but still, the way it is done seems a bit off to me.

No, no, no, that's all wrong !

DH should be telling them how much he's prepared to spend on a gift and putting that sum in their account if he wants to avoid posting stuff overseas.

It would be cheeky enough if they told him after they'd bought stuff how much he then owes - without consulting him beforehand, but when you also consider that they buy comparatively small gifts for his other children, I'm not surprised you're left with a nasty taste in the mouth.

Not only are they being rude but I think a not-so-subtle message is being sent here: that DH's older children are effectively forcing him to "acknowledge" (because that is obviously what they think, to my mind anyway, by their behaviour) that his younger child and his stepchildren are less important than the grandchildren.

I don't understand why you say you don't "get to choose" however. Surely, all DH has to do is refuse to give them any more than he (and you) would be happy, and had budgeted, to spend ?

I think it is rather cheeky of them to dictate to your DH how much the two should spend on Xmas presents for your GCs. Looks to me as if presents are taken for granted by your Dh's kids family.
I think your Dh needs to put a stop to it. I wouldn't dream of telling my mum how much money to spend on my kids - I would be grateful for anything they want to give to them!
I really do think that with present giving it is the thought that counts, but it seems to me that these people have lost sight of that.

How does your dh feel about this. His children are taking the mick, but does he see it this way ?
Has he stood up to them in the past ?
Are they generally stingy ?

He's not ecstatic about it, but too soft to do anything about it and gets cross with me if I suggests he does.

Can you try and get in earlier next time, and choose something yourselves from Amazon (or another website in their country)? That way there is no international postage, and YOU have chosen the amount to spend, as well as choosing the gift, which will make it more meaningful anyway. Then send them an email saying you have chosen and bought a gift yourselves to save them the trouble

definitely a bit off

Unfortunatley Dragon, therein lies your problem.
I get cross with dh's extended family, who we send christmas money to and birthday money, often without a thankyou . AND nothing for our ds's birthday.
What can you do ?

i'd defo not put up with that!!!- we've scrimped and saved for xmas this year, and luckily today i managed to get my sisters and the kids grandma's tops from next in the sale at £1 each- thats how poor we are this year!!!

if ANYONE tried telling me what i was going to buy for someone and it wasn't what i wanted to do i would tell them where to go!!! tell your DH to tell his son he'll rather get a little present himself and post it- surely a nice outfit or small toy would be sufficient enough, my 2 have got a top each off their grandparents who live in london....and we are more than grateful of them!!!- if they are well off i suppose they dont understand how spending so much on their kids will mess up your budget etc!!

As dh and I live far away from our families, most of them just put money in my account and tell me to chose a present for the dc's but I would never dream of dictating how much they should give - that's just rude!!

I think you should tell them how much you can afford and if they have a specific present in mind they can add the balance themselves.