Mother suggested I have an ugly mole removed on my face

[Shouldistayorshouldigonow999]

So when I became newly single (and feeling quite down) my mother pointed at a mole by the side of my nose and scrunched up her face in disgust and said "you could get that removed!!". I've never discussed it with her and never asked her opinion although inside I have felt that I don't like it. A lady at work commented her daughter had a birth mark on her face and that she wants to encourage her to love/ accept herself and wouldn't suggest she have it treated. It made me feel really sad about what my mum said to me.

As a child and adult I've always been a curvy size 14 / 16 and shes made comments in the past about how I look (being over weight). When I think about my mum and when she asks to meet up I've noticed I tense up and my nervous system goes into over drive - it really makes me sad to say but I don't like my mother as a person and I hate spending time with her (but I do love her). My dad said I was oversensitive with the mole remark and I'm not sure if I am or not? What are peoples views?

My mum has been amazing to me in terms of financially helping me with uni and a house etc and is great with my DS! She's very harsh and critical towards my dad though! I feel guilty that she's done so much for me but at the same time she's never been there emotionally for me. As a child I could never discuss anything emotional with her at all and I think that's had a big effect on me. I was always on edge around her worrying if she as thinking negative thoughts about me (my weight etc) and was never allowed to just relax - always had to be doing something productive.

Once I brought home a school photo which was awful! But I'll never forget how she looked at it and said how awful it was! I've always been very sensitive though!

I often see women on days out with their mums and feel so sad I don't have that type of relationship (we just meet every couple of months for a quick meal and a walk). Anyone else have a mother like this? I wish I could just accept it and not feel down about it!

I had a big mole under my eye that my parents and 2 sisters encouraged me to have removed. I was angry and defensive at first but eventually decided to do it and I definitely feel a lot better without it

This sounds like it's about more than a mole, I suggest you speak to a MH professional.

On the other hand my then-5yr old DGD said "Nan that bump on your face is horrible" and I had a large mole removed, which now looks significantly better.

If you'd been complaining about it and she'd said that then I don't think it's a problem. If she said it out of nowhere, ask yourself why she said it. My parents went through and photoshopped all of my childhood photos... I haven't had anything removed, I haven't forgiven them and am very conscious of what they say to my DC.

I think you need to separate out the mole and your relationship with your mum. They’re two separate issues. Deal with the mole based solely on how you feel about it. Keep it, don’t keep it, speak to your GP. But make it about your feelings about the mole.

Your relationship with your mum- sounds very much like mine. It makes me sad I don’t have what other women have with their mothers but then I also have more than some women have so I’m grateful. No one is perfect, I’ve come to accept my mum for who she is and I know that her opinions are often just verbal diarrhoea that I can nod and smile at and then forget about as soon as I’ve left her. I find it much easier that way. I don’t take on her issues as my own.

I understand OP. Your mother should love & support you and think you're beautiful no matter what.
You arent the only person to have this sort of relationship.
I'd suggest distancing a bit more if you're getting very little positivity from the meet ups. Perhaps a monthly phone call would work better?

I can understand you feeling very unsupported by your mother. She might have a point about the mole on your face, though. Some moles are attractive, some are not. Some women can carry them off with aplomb, others would be better off without them. If I were you, I would separate those two issues. Your mother issue is a boundary issue, and I would get therapy for that. It will be a long process of setting boundaries but it will improve your life, as you suspect it will.

I think we have the same mother!

I have a couple of moles and a birthmark on my face. Not big, not obvious, and I quite like them.

Several times during my childhood she’d take me to the GP and ask what we could do about them. I’d be dragged to a series of dr’s, dermatology, plastics, and the decision would always be to leave them as the scars would likely be worse.

School photos- yup. I’d be threatened beforehand how I had to look, and quite often the pics would come back and it’s be “ooh no, i don’t like that one, you look x or y”. Now she wonders why I hate having my photo taken!

Weight, yes. I’ve always been fit and strong, very muscular, but my eating was always policed- comments on that’s fattening, that’s slimming, refusing seconds etc.

It’s a bit of a theme as I was an active child who loves science and books. I think she wanted a girl she could bond with over shopping, hairdressers, nails and make up- which is what she buys me for presents despite me never having had my nails or eyebrows done ever.

We get on well enough but we don’t have that bond, we’re too different.

Yanbu and your mother can be unkind. I think you have to accept that she's imperfect but she could be worse, and if you don't accept her, who will?

As for your self-esteem: ideally nobody would be able to make you feel so bad about yourself and it's a shame she affects you so negatively. Her opinions on your appearance is more about her than you.

Dd's optician suggested dd get hers looked at. GP wants it off... Doesn't look suspicious now but she was concerned it would be one day.
Not for vanity though..
Tbh we are quite a moley family and mole jokes are plentiful here!!
Guacamole being the favourite..

This isn't about the mole it is a long line of unwanted criticism from her.
My DS has a large mole/birth mark and I will be having it removed.
Either try to ignore it or discuss this side of your DM's personality with her.
Good luck.👍

I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset that your mum is pointing out perceived flaws in your appearance, it isn't a nice thing to do or hear. Next time, I would just tell her "that is a rude thing to say" and then shut the conversation down. If she tries to justify it, repeat it's rude and walk away. The only thing that should leave her mouth is an apology.

But, if you want the mole removed anyway for your own sake then get it done. I have a mole I want roved but the GP said it might leave a scar - for people who've had it done did you pay privately?

My DM would have no qualms telling me to get rid of a mole, I'd be most hurt and offended at her bluntness, then go and have it removed.

I think you’re old enough to decide if you want the mole removed or not so she shouldn’t have said anything.

I have quite an ugly mole on my cheek. Because it’s quite far around my cheek I’ve never thought it was a massive problem, but sometimes I wonder if it puts some people off.

Coincidentally, my Mum is quite similar to yours, but she’s never said anything negative about the mole. However she can be quite emotionally distant/ unavailable, and criticised my dad to me always, which I’ve always hated. She’s one to really play on and have a go at your emotions. Wondering now if she had difficulty bonding with me!

We’re you complaining a lot about being newly single/finding it hard to find someone else? If so suggesting you get an unattractive facial mole removed sounds like she thought she was being helpful.

As for being overweight, I think most mums would encourage their child to maintain a healthy weight, not just for looks but for health reasons?

Could you be over sensitive to her comments?

If I had something unattractive about my appearance (that was holding me back self esteem wise or otherwise) I’d rather my mum told me how easy it was to fix rather than encouraged me to see it as beautiful.

Moles are simple to remove. Birthmarks not so much as they can involve multiple sessions of laser treatment to fade them etc, so I don’t think you can compare them.

Moles are simple to remove

Not always, especially on the face as the scar may tighten one side, for example, or pull an eyebrow or lip off centre.

Depends how big it is as well of course But that’s why plastics have always refused to do mine, the scar will likely be bigger than the mole, and because if where it is it may leave my eyebrows uneven. My birth mark isn’t suitable for laser so would need to be surgical as well.

Yes my mums quite critical. I just don’t discuss things with her.

As for the mole if it doesn’t bother you then ignore her. If it does get it removed. Personally I’d get it removed but that’s because it would bother me.

I had two moles on my face and had them removed when I was about 22.

I am not particularly stoic or brave, but it wasn't traumatic or painful and it was the best thing I ever did. I just have a slight scar which is 10000 times better than the moles were.