Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To not do the drop off to Ex

22 replies

greenflower1 · 20/09/2021 11:07

Been split up with narcissistic ex for 5 years. He's been difficult to co-parent with and I've posted about him before with the most recent incident being when he smashed my phone and tried to force his way into my house. Since then we have had no contact however DD still sees him most weekends. I have been meeting ex's new partner a half hour drive away to do the pick up and drop off twice a week. I have now stopped working temporarily and have sold my car. I gave a few weeks notice via new partner that I won't be able to do the drop off (for a few months until I get new car) and he should make arrangements to collect DD from school and drop them there on a Monday morning, or to me Sunday but it cannot be ex coming to my house with DD.

He has refused to do this and said he has gone over and beyond since DD was born and so he isn't going to see DD unless I continue to take train and uber.

I am not doing this as the cost is more than what he pays in maintenance and we are in this situation because of his shitty behaviour. Now me and new partner are having to do this back and forth across London because of him, while he sits on his backside.

DD is very upset, she is having to deal with the consequences of this and cried herself to sleep last night asking when she will see her dad again. I feel very bad but feel like his dad is trying to pressure me into continuing to do the drop offs and pick ups.

What is fair in this situation? I hate seeing DD like this but feel like ex if trying to force me into continuing or he won't see DD at all and it's my fault.

AIBU?

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/09/2021 11:14

I don’t think you can allow him to use your dd’s upset against you like this. I think you have to tell him you aren’t doing it all.”, and see whether he collects her or not.

Out of interest, who moved away?

What on Earth does his partner think of having to do the hand overs because he’s too abusive for you to meet?

PoolNooodle · 20/09/2021 11:15

You can stop but he can also refuse to see her (not saying that’s right)

Palavah · 20/09/2021 11:16

You're not being unreasonable. Stick to your guns.

DuchessMinnie · 20/09/2021 11:20

I had the same thing with my ex, OP. He moved 75 miles away and went from 10 contact days to 4 per month. He and his new partner bullied me relentlessly to share the drop offs however I was not willing to spend my few child-free nights on the M25. They no longer have the DCs overnight but XH eventually stopped whining about how unfair it was and he comes over twice a month on his own to see the DCs.

Say no if you don't want to do it, he can't force you unless he takes you to court. I took a calculated risk on my XH not going to court as if he couldn't be bothered coming to get them then he probably wouldn't be bothered to go to court.

Original poster

greenflower1 · 20/09/2021 11:22

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

He moved in with new partner and hr drive away but I then moved house which is also still an hour away from new partners house.

OP posts:

Original poster

greenflower1 · 20/09/2021 11:26

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing and new partner is a lovely woman but I think she's dicknotised . He can be charming, caring, family man etc - but only if you're on the right side of him - she hasn't properly seen the side to him that I see, he hides it well and can lie very well too.

OP posts:

MzHz · 20/09/2021 11:27

You explain calmly to your dd that you have spoken to him, and he needs to make the arrangements a S you’re waiting for him to do so.

The less she sees him the better in many ways so as long as she’s available for contact, that’s all you need to do

The new partner must be wondering wtf is going on!

Or believing the bs about you…

Brollywasntneededafterall · 20/09/2021 11:29

Is dd old enough to get a bus?
I moved away and did all journeys until dc were happy to get bus /train. Prob secondary school age.

pelosi · 20/09/2021 11:33

YANBU. Stop doing them. Don’t start when you get a car.

Did he move away?

MadeForThis · 20/09/2021 11:39

If he doesn't collect her then he doesn't see her. His choice.

TheHouseIsOnFire · 20/09/2021 11:50

You’ve been perfectly reasonable doing half the journey until now. You’re also perfectly reasonable saying that you can’t do it now - even if only temporarily - due to not having a car.

I guess not allowing him to come to the house could be seen as you putting a barrier in the way, but I can totally understand why you’ve done it.

As a compromise could you say that he can collect her himself from your house but he waits in the car and DD comes out to him at a set time? You don’t want him knocking on the door, honking his car horn etc, he can arrive at the arranged time and she will go out to the car. That way you’re keeping your boundary of no contact with him, but also offering a solution that doesn’t mean his new partner having to drive double the distance.

At least would show willing on your part if he does end up taking it to court. Otherwise you’ll need to explain to DD that you’re trying to work out how things are going to be done while you don’t have a car and in the meantime she can presumably text or FaceTime him to keep in touch. I know it’s not the same but if he does actually care about her he will do all he can to make sure she knows that. If he cares more about dicking you about then he’ll make this the hill he dies on and sadly she’ll come to realise that it’s not about him spending time with her it’s about him controlling you.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 20/09/2021 11:52

Maybe explain that mum can’t get her to meeting place with dad without the car, and there will have to be more zoom/FaceTime calls with dad for now. Naturally it will come up in any contact they DO have and hopefully daughter will ask dad to
Come and get her....... this is so very sad. He is using your daughter as a pawn. Be prepared to be the hated parent who is stopping her from seeing her dad ...... when she is perhaps a bit older she will understand but you need to be there to support her now while this whole
Mess is ongoing.

FWBNC · 20/09/2021 11:57

said he has gone over and beyond since DD was born and so he isn't going to see DD unless I continue to take train and uber

He doesn't want to see her? He's not doing you or her a favour!

I'm sorry this is upsetting DD but she's far better off without him in her life, now is as good a time as any to back off.

bogoffmda · 20/09/2021 12:08

He is being a dick to his daughter but you unilaterally changed the arrangement and expected him to pick up the slack.

Having been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour from my Ex I know how he feels in being dumped with the extra.

If it was the other way round - all hell and damnation would be spewing forth on the SM forum.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 20/09/2021 12:14

Can you not meet half way - literally. You drop her off at a time lace which you can easily access by public transport and he collects at a specific time?

LittleMysSister · 20/09/2021 12:25

@bogoffmda

He is being a dick to his daughter but you unilaterally changed the arrangement and expected him to pick up the slack.

Having been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour from my Ex I know how he feels in being dumped with the extra.

If it was the other way round - all hell and damnation would be spewing forth on the SM forum.

Tbh I agree with this.

He does sound like a dick but equally I can see why he feels it's unfair that you won't be doing your half of the journey anymore. Is there no way you could at least meet somewhere en route by using the bus/train?

Especially since you have also said that it can't be him who comes to your home (which is understandable given your history together) to collect DD, so it's essentially leaving his partner to do a 2hr round trip, which I guess she may not be willing to do.

Hankunamatata · 20/09/2021 12:29

I would offer to get the train and he picks up from the train

LittleMysSister · 20/09/2021 12:34

Also, as someone whose partner meets halfway due to distance...are there practical difficulties with how late DD might be getting back to his that need to be considered if he/his gf were to do the whole journey?

Eg. My partner gets back with SCs at 8.30pm minimum even meeting halfway and finishing work early. If he had to pick them up from their house, it would likely be after 11pm when he got back as he already leaves as early as he possibly can, which is too late for them.

sorryforswearing · 20/09/2021 12:41

Can OP afford the train? Also it was ex who moved an hour away. Although OP has moved too she hasn’t increased the distance between them. She can’t be expected to run a car for ex husband's benefit.

LittleMysSister · 20/09/2021 12:48

@sorryforswearing

It's not for his benefit though, it's for her daughter's surely?

My partner would not be able to give up his car precisely because he has to pick up his children. It is crucial that he has access to car for this reason.

If he did give up his car, I think people would think he was out of line to tell his ex that she needed to do all drop offs and pick ups now, even though she moved much further away than 1 hr. The impact on her finances and time would be massive, it wouldn't be fair.

LittleMysSister · 20/09/2021 12:53

What I mean is surely it's on the person who gives up the car to find a solution to continue at least close to the status quo, which might include public transport/borrowing a car or whatever else?

You can't just be like "btw I'm giving up my car so....up to you what you want to do about that if you want to still see your child".

PoolNooodle · 20/09/2021 12:53

What do parents do that don't drive? Not having a car doesn't mean you can't meet half way

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread