To feel sad every time my friend hangs out with person who used to be my friend

[Oliv1990]

I recently fell out with/called it quits with a close friend who kept hurting me and making me feel bad when I was upset by her actions. We were a group of 3/4 friends who were close especially the 3 of us, and now the other friend who is still one of my best friends still sees her (obviously I wouldn’t expect her not to) and I feel sad every time I see something on social media of them together. I see the one I’m still close with more regularly than she sees the one I’ve ended friendship with, so I know it’s nothing personal or anything unreasonable but it still hurts. I guess I’m sad that I’m no longer part of it and it also makes me think should I try to reconcile with her, even though all other times I’m fine, better probably, without her. I know she would probably hurt me again and think we are incompatible as friends due to the reasons we fell out, and I can actually think it’s ‘her loss’ in a way as I know I am a good friend and she has very few other friends and I have a great group of other friends. I just don’t want to feel sad and down each time they see each other. Is this unreasonable, what can I do to not feel like this?

Didn't want to read and run. I'm in a similar situation and it does hurt every time I hear that these two women are hanging out. Tbh I've distanced myself from the other friend as well. I don't want to put her in the middle of my issue with the other woman.

I'm hoping in time it won't be as much of an issue. Especially as I can't avoid one of them.

Honestly, I wouldn't want to hang out with someone who had upset a close friend. The fact that she is choosing to do so, suggests that she's not such a good friend either.

Long term, I'd be looking to find new friends.

It was quite a complicated situation and she didn’t do anything awful, but she just refused to communicate and attempt to resolve things despite knowing how down I felt, and the ‘in the middle’ friend understands both sides.. I guess this makes it hard too as I often wonder if they talk about me when they’re together or what she has said. So frustrating because it’s all fine until I see a photo

I would suggest either:
A) not looking at the photos on social media
Or
B) make yourself look at them more so that you become inured in them and it no longer hurts.

Sometimes you're just incompatible with people, and that's okay. It's nothing against you or her.

If not for your update where it wasn't anything awful, I'd say it depends.

I have issues with my sisters-in-law and I dropped 2 friends who decided to stay friends with her after they did and said some truly horrible things to me and my family. At that point it becomes about reliability in friends, and the friends basically saying we either deserved the treatment, or it wasn't that bad... neither statements being what I agree with.

Losing friends is always hard, but at least you didn't lose her on bad terms, you just grew apart.

What caused the fall out?

Do you think you could clear the air/apologise?

My oldest and closest friend had an affair with my husband - they lied about it for years and I was completely humiliated

It hurts that all our mutual friends are still friends with her despite knowing what she did. There are certain people who know how badly she hurt me, not only with the affair but with the timing of the disclosure of it.
They seem to feel sorry for her because her husband left so go for lunches and see her all the time.

It adds insult to injury.
I had to cut so many people out of my life because of it.
You only see who people are when they show you.

It was ongoing issues where she would act very off and make no effort and when I tried to talk about it she’d make me feel like I was crazy/expecting too much/too clingy when really it was just expecting a friend to be a friend (and our mutual friends have felt the same though never bring it up with her). It just kept making me feel very down and question myself, was I crazy/was a bad friend/was I asking for too much? Which after talking with people and even my therapist about, I know aren’t true. I have apologised when I was desperately trying to keep the friendship going. I’ve sent a heartfelt message to her and had a very blunt, emotionless response along the lines of I think we shouldn’t see each other for a while. And no further communication. We grew up together. It was her wedding a while ago and the last thing she said to me was it would be sad if you didn’t come, then when I’d thought it through/talked in depth with everyone about whether I should go or not (didn’t want to cause any awkwardness on her big day) I made the decision based on others advice to go, as they told me it would be ‘very final’ if I didn’t. Well then I said to her I’d love to be there but could we meet before to clear the air so it’s not awkward? She didn’t reply in any way about the wedding, just said the above (about not seeing each other for a while) so I was left to just assume I was uninvited. My mutual friends were the ones who had encouraged me to go. So she hadn’t even indicated to them that she didn’t want me there. It was very hard when I felt I was trying so hard to fix things and she wasn’t doing a thing. So I don’t think I really want to clear the air or reconcile.. It really caused me to have a terrible few months mentally and I don’t think I could forget that she did that to me.

You deserve so much more. Very, very hard to do but move on and be kind to yourself.

Chances are they're not talking about you.