To ask how you stop hating yourself?

[Summergoat]

Late 30s, two dc, average boring life, achieved nothing and now old, few possibilities or opportunities, feel like I’m just waiting to die.
Generally hate everything about myself, sometimes can’t even look at my own belongings because I hate myself so much.
I’ve got a few close friends but can’t see why anyone would want to spend time with me and have largely dropped out of touch over lockdown.
Pointless part time low paid job that I don’t think any good at.
Always look dreadful and house is a tip as I work 28 hours and then never seem to have much time once I’ve factored in the commuting as well.
How do I get out of feeling like this? I want to sleep all the time because that’s the only part of my life I don’t dislike.

You don't hate yourself, you are depressed. Start with a trip to the dr

Have you been to the GP, been diagnosed with depression? Hugs, mumsnet are here for you xx

I voted YABU because you shouldn't hate yourself. You've raised two lovely kids, that's hard work that needs way more recognition than you're allowing! You definitely sound moderately depressed and I'd definitely say hi to the GP, an act of self love which it is. You have to be your own champion in life unfortunately. This could be the making of you, how you turned things around xxx

I went to the gp pre covid and they prescribed anti depressants which I didn’t take and I know I won’t take so there’s little they can do and I don’t want to waste their time. I think there’s generally a mental health crisis at the moment with lots of people with much more understandable reasons than me to feel not so great.
I’d love to be someone else, I really do not like being me.

Practice the following:
1 comforting thing (or more) per day
1 active thing per day, gets your heart beat up a little
1 extra fruit and veg per day
1 (at least) very healthy meal
1 moment (or more) in fresh air, ideally in nature for at least 30 mins
1 (at least) social thing per day, even if just whatsapping someone
2 pints of water /squash per day
1 spiritual thing, even if it's just reading about different philosophies to find yours
And at the end of each day in bed, count all you are thankful for including the bed sheets.. Everything xxx

I agree that you sound depressed and should try to get some support. It's not normal to be this down on yourself and you need help.

The way you talk about yourself is profoundly negative. You are not "old". I'm nearly 20 years older than you and I don't feel old. You seem to be pushing friends away. This is the behaviour of someone who is profoundly depressed. I mean this in the kindest way I can but you are probably projecting a lot of negativity and you need to get out of the negative feedback loop you have got into.

You say you don't want to take antidepressants and I have some sympathy with this perspective as I would also be hesitant about doing this but in some cases they can be enormously helpful: I know several people who have been able to reclaim their lives due to antidepressants. If you don't want to take medication you should get some counselling because this isn't a normal or healthy perspective on your life. You're right that there is a mental health crisis and it may take a while to get this but you need to be proactive and determined.

Sympathy for you OP, it sounds awful, but you owe it to yourself and your DC to get past it.

You are suffering from clinical depression. You need treatment.

What caused you to say you won't take the medication the GP offered you?

I’m not sure, I just feel I really don’t want to take it. I rarely take anything, antibiotics, paracetamol, anything really. I also worry about the side effects, I don’t think I can handle feeling any worse, and even though my job is low paying and inconsequential it doesn’t require me to be reasonably on the ball. If I felt unwell for a couple of weeks I’d struggle I think.

That does sound like depression, but you’re not wanting to take medication.

I like sweatyyetis suggestions. I know I feel I’ve had a good day if I’ve:
Drunk 1 l water
Got outside for a walk
Done my duolingo lesson ( other learning available)
Done something cultural /creative- knitting, reading, playing piano, singing, listening to a classical concert
Physical activity- even a 10 min HIIT session.
Brain training- a crossword, sudoku, even popmaster!
Something self care- nice long shower, face mask, foot rub, shave legs
Me time ( meditation), just being in the moment.
Housework- well, it keeps it in check! Doing one thing every day.

OP - refusing to take medication which might well hugely improve your mental health, on the basis that you just don't want to, doesn't seem like a very good decision. Surely it's worth a try? It's hard to see how it could be much worse than hating yourself and waiting to die.

I understand, I can loathe myself for months at a time because I have Bipolar II so I know its completely unreasonable. So I voted YABU. Its possible to (mostly) live your life less unhappily with the right help.

I also wouldn't just be taking random pills off a GP - if you haven't been assessed by mental health specialists you have no idea what the tablets could do to you. Example: if you are undiagnosed Bipolar, normal antidepressants could put you into psychosis and cause untold damage. A GP cannot diagnose mental illness. Get a proper referral - go private if you have to, but find out whats really going on. Then maybe take tablets and definitely get some therapy. Good luck, things can change, it's not necessarily going to be like this forever xxx

Please take the antidepressants OP, it's the depression making you not want to take them. Your mind is in an altered state where it seems pointless, but it really isn't. Please try, you've forgotten what feeling better feels like but it really is worth it to try and find joy in life again x

I think I’m scared of taking the antidepressants. I’m not sure why really.

I'm a few years older than you and am prone to feeling similar. What helps me is exercise, I run but not often enough and sticking to a rough timetable, I.e getting up early, doing my duolingo lesson with a cup of tea before getting the kids up. I arrange things with friends even when I don't want to/question why they like me. Keeping busy keeps the self loathing quieter for me.

You might be depressed so that's worth exploring but it might not be depression. Mine isn't, it's a combination of my childhood and trauma so if that rings bells would be worth pursuing as well.

I also wouldn't just be taking random pills off a GP - if you haven't been assessed by mental health specialists you have no idea what the tablets could do to you*

Utter bollocks OP most harmful advice @MNHQ @RickJames

A GP would never prescribe something if there were chances it'd harm you. Yes antidepressants can make you feel slightly worse or the same for up to four weeks or so but they then kick in for most depression sufferers.

You honestly have nothing to loose @Summergoat if they don't agree with you or you find your symptoms become unmanageable you just stop taking them /wean off (depending on how long you've been taking them) and tell your GP to prescribe some thing else.

Going on fluoxetine aka prozac was the best thing I ever did.

You sound depressed, get help from your gp , take the advice you get as well as any medication . I was in the same position a while back spent a short while on antidepressants and now feel much better, still have bad days sometimes but the are few and far between. I didn't recognize that I was depressed and was at the gp for another issue when she asked did I feel depressed and I realised that I was feeling that way for ages

Honestly, 2 years ago I was you. After struggling through lockdowns I finally went to the GP earlier this year after it all just became too much. I have now been on antidepressants for 5 months, I'm on a really low dose but everything is just easier. Things that I didn't even realise where a struggle are easier. A month ago I started a new job, a whole new career path and for the first time in over a decade I am feeling positive about things. Yes, I still have my down days, yes I'm a work in progress, but from the self loathing person I was 6 months ago to now is eye opening.

Nothing changes over night, but honestly, take the antidepressants. It may be the start of a whole new world for you.

Late 30's is not old OP! You have a few close friends and 2 children who will obviously adore you, you also go out to work to provide for them despite feeling like this, so I just want to start off by telling you how bloody amazing you are! From what others have said on this post it sounds like you're suffering with depression (I don't know anything about depression but others on Mumsnet will have amazing advice and knowledge) but I can see why you're scared to take the medication. Would you feel comfortable confiding in one of your close friends about how you're feeling? I bet they would be so supportive and may have even had depression themselves, I'm sorry I'm not much help but I had to reply as your post made me feel so sad for you and you sound like such an amazing, lovely person xxx

Have you tried St John’s wort or 5HTP, these are herbal / natural anti depressants.
Could you write a journal of the things you do well each day, no matter how small. Along with some things you are grateful for, be it the first cup of tea or being able to see for example. Doing this will re-train your mind to think in a different way. I think we all get stuck sometimes thinking negatively and it’s helpful to counteract that.

I'd start by trying to rule out anything physical. Other things than mental health can cause low mood such as iron or b12 deficiency. If you don't want to do this you could take some supplements anyway.

I would start the anti depressants. I know you don't want to, but if you're that miserable and overwhelmed then to be blunt, it is unlikely to get any worse.

Have you tried anything like cbt? If it's a case of clinical depression or a normsl reaction to shit circumstances then they might not help but if it's a case of you having got into negative thought patterns and a bit of inertia and need help making a start, then it might help.

I also think it helps to imagine yourself as a friend. Would you think they had a shit life just because they didnt have a high flying career or a bit of a messy house? Or would you be concentrating on other things and thinking things like 'it doesnt matter she hasnt had her hair done recently as she still has a lovely smile' or 'never mind the career she has done an amazing job of bringing up her children'. You need to start talking about yourself in this way. You will have some things going for you but it sounds like you are being so hard on yourself. Any time you think to yourself that you have failed at x, imagine you're your own friend and wonder what you would say to yourself. It takes a bit of work and feels a bit cringe but after a while it becomes habit. And then it becomes easier to compliment yourself on things.

You've got so many things you want to do that it sounds like they have got on top of you. If you look at your kide as a whole it will be overwhelming. You need to break it down, try not to think about the bigger picture, and do lots of tiny steps. Why not start by making some time for just you. Half an hour every day or every other day, read a book in the bath, go a walk over lunch or something. And then when you're in the right frame of mind, start eating slightly better. I'm not talking about diet but nutrition, if you think you need it. Small changes like drinking an extra pint of water or swapping one biscuit for an apple or something. And then tiny steps at sorting out everything else like one section of one room in the house so you have somewhere nice to relax.

You need to remember that your brain is a tricky bastard who will outright lie to you to the point where it will let you believe that you are not even worth taking some medication to help you!
Admit you need some help, like asking on here, and start taking it. IGNORE tricky bastard brain telling you not to bother, and start with some small things as suggested. Gratitude is a sound way to reprogram the negativity.
It’s a journey; you’ll learn along the way. Lots of people out there on the same journey so lots of information for you to look up. Book yourself some counselling ; don’t let the tricky bastard win!