Cheating in previous relationships

[IfMyDarling]

Hi all,

First time poster but regular reader here.

My partner and I have been together for 2 and half a years and married for 1 and a half years. We are both in our 40s with no previous marriages (although obviously we've both had previous relationships).

A couple of weeks ago, my partner casually dropped into our conversation that they had 'regularly' cheated on 'most of' their previous partners when they were younger.

For reasons rooted in my own low self-esteem, I am quite an insecure person anyway. Since my partner told me about their previous unfaithfulness, I have become preoccupied with the idea that they will cheat or may already be cheating on me. My partner has a number of friends of the opposite sex, and meets with them quite regularly.

This insecurity and jealousy has started to become apparent to my partner, and I must say they've been very in trying to reassure me. When they tell me they love me and have no intention of being unfaithful, I believe them.

However, those doubts then begin to creep back in. I don't like feeling like this, I don't want to become clingy, controlling and possessive, and I certainly don't want my insecurity to damage the relationship my partner and I have.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way?

YANBU. I would also be shocked and concerned if my partner had cheated on multiple partners in the past. This means it wasn’t just a one off, and that it’s a repeating pattern of behaviour.

I suppose there’s nothing you can do except be on high alert. Were they much younger when this happened or was it with recent partners? Perhaps if this was in their early 20s, and they’re now in their 40s, they might have matured out of it a bit?

That would really put me off someone.

A one off drunken mistake in their teens, early twenties, I could get past. If they’d learned from it.

But multiple partners? Many times? That shows a fundamental disrespect and lack of care and love for the people he was in a relationship with. That shows to me that for him cheating is something he has been able to justify so many times it says a lot about his character and view of relationships, as well as saying a lot about his ability or desire to remain faithful to someone.

I don’t care if he was ‘younger’ tbh, by your twenties you know enough about yourself and the world, your personality and character is pretty developed. It takes such a cold selfish person to either be able to lie to their partner again and again or to do it knowing how much it would hurt them.

It’s the capacity for deception I couldn’t get past, knowing he’s able to do something like that and then pretend everything’s okay.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that if DH told me this I’d consider divorcing him. I mean, he casually dropped it into conversation, it’s clearly not something he’s in turmoil over. Part of me wonders if he’s trying to cause insecurity and emotional instability in you, why tell you now? Why not tell you when you were getting serious, or keep it to himself? Why wait until you’re legally bound and then drop that on you?

I’m really sorry. I don’t think I would come back from this. He obviously isn’t the man you had thought you’d married.

From another point of view. My husband and I didn’t have a faithful relationship between us when we got together. We have been together 14 years and no cheating either side.

A one off drunken past mistake is one thing, but a history of cheating, casually dropped into a conversation, is quite another. I’m sorry this has happened to you.

Yes it would concern me. As @BangLyricalBlowToTheJaw said if it had been a one-off that they had learnt from then thats different to cheating on multiple partners.

What would concern me more though is that he wasn't upfront about it. The fact it was casually dropped into conversation when you are already married suggests that either he doesn't see it as a big deal (which is worrying) or he knows it's a big deal and deliberately sought to keep it from you to prevent you making an informed choice.

I might be wrong but I suspect that minimising and gas lighting is about to follow (" This isn't a big deal. Why are you turning it into a big deal?" type comments)

Oh and

certainly don't want my insecurity to damage the relationship my partner and I have
It's not YOUR insecurity that is damaging the relationship. It's your partner's behaviour, his lack of empathy about the impact and his prior lack of honesty about it (which when it comes to issues of fidelity is a big concern). Please do not let him convince you that you are the problem.

Couldn't be with a cheater.

I would see past cheating as an indication of their general poor character and morals.

Yanbu grim sorry to hear you've learnt this after marrying him!
the female friends, are they single and alone when he meets them without you?

It sounds to me like he’s dropping it in now so that if he cheats in future you can’t say you weren’t warned. But I’m just very, very cynical.

So they repeatedly cheated in past relationships, and lied to you about it (by omission) until well after marriage.

Wouldn’t want to stay married.

The issue here is not you.

Thanks for all the replies so far.

When they told me, I was shocked and hurt, especially given they said it like it was no big deal. I did wonder whether they were trying to make me insecure. The next day, they made a really odd, cruel and hurtful joke about one of my family members, completely out of the blue. It then left me wondering if they were deliberately trying to make me think less of them? Perhaps they want out, but want me to end it?

When we’ve discussed it, my partner has to an extent remained calm and reasonable. Basically that this was a long time ago, they are no longer the same person and that I’ve no cause to worry. But there has also been an element of caginess, and at one point they said ‘You’re more upset than the people I’ve cheated on were!’, like I shouldn’t be.

Because of my concern at potentially being cheated on, I’ve been reading up on ‘the signs’. And over the last few weeks, they have seemed more distant; their phone is now always on silent when it never used to be; and they recently bought me a lavish, expensive gift (which has left me conflicted : is it because they’re really kind and love me, or is it a guilt gift?); and they’ve seemed less interested in sex.

Needless to say, my feeling that something is not quite right is in overdrive, but they insist they have never cheated on me and will never cheat me.

I’m just so worried that I’m struggling to believe them, and concerned that if they are telling the truth, my anxiety around it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.