For being annoyed at my parents for taking no interest in my son.

[Papillonlis]

I had my first child November just gone (my parents first grandchild) and they have not once come to see him or even offered too!

This is just the tip of the sh*tty behaviour they have shown, when I found out I was pregnant, obviously I told them before the rest of my family as you do, and they went and told the rest of my family before I had chance to! Then throughout my pregnancy they never visited (covid restrictions fine, whatever can let that slide) but they never initiated conversation with me or really asked how the pregnancy was going, then just changed the subject.

Then when my son was born I told them, sent them photos etc then just after that I haemorrhaged to the point I nearly died (my partner was in contact with them but from the sound of the response he got it was like zero f*cks given) but once I was stable and I came round I woke up too tons of texts of “congratulations, isn’t he gorgeous” and all that stuff. I mean come on, your son-in-law has just told you that your daughter is dying but what’s more important to you is that you tell everyone your grandchild’s been born, yet again taking away the only time your daughter will ever be able to announce the arrival of her first born child.

Anyway my son is nearly 10 months old and my parents have not bothered with him at all, there only interested if I take him to their house, and I keep getting constant texts of “so when you coming down next”
Even though they know my son has the worst sleep ever, we still haven’t had a night where you can get more than like 2 hours of continuous sleep!

Am I the d*ck for apparently “calling them out” I would say this is so mild but my 27 year old ass “needs a new attitude” for saying “well you know where I live, he’s nearly 10 months btw”

Am I in the wrong? Should I be taking my son to see his grandparents all the time or should it be the other way around.

Just for clarification my parents are early 50’s live only 40mins away from me, but they can just hop in a car and drive anywhere, I have a child to go by, if nap times get messed up none of us are sleeping for days!

I wouldn't call them out until you've had a sensible conversation with them about how you're feeling.

There's a very good chance they'll come back with a million and one excuses so, if you want a relationship with them, try and nurture a relationship rather than going straight in on the attack.

I think you'd be wasting your time calling them out and would be better just having realistic expectations of them. It does suck that they aren't interested but you can't make them interested.

YABU purely for the fact that you won’t accept that they don’t want to be grandparents. It’s shitty but you have to let it go and live for you and your son and let them get on with their lives. It will be their regret in the end.

They sound like really shit parents...sorry to be blunt but it's appalling behaviour.

Keep it in mind for when they're elderly and in need of assistance.

No not being unreasonable.
It’s drives me mad when people won’t make the effort in traveling and take a turn.

If they are constantly texting you asking to visit then they aren't ignoring you or your son, they just aren't doing what you want them to do. Every time they ask you to bring your son over, say no and invite them to yours instead.
Not the point of the post, but 2 hours a night for 10 months sounds like hell!

@tillytown

If they are constantly texting you asking to visit then they aren't ignoring you or your son, they just aren't doing what you want them to do. Every time they ask you to bring your son over, say no and invite them to yours instead. Not the point of the post, but 2 hours a night for 10 months sounds like hell!

This. and you don't need a "new attitude" you are coping with a new baby and on very little sleep, so arrangements about visiting have at this point to work for you and not further mess up routines. There's no point holding on to resentment about making announcements about the birth at this stage ( although I understand how galling it must have been) you should let it go. They sound very unsupportive so I don't think you need to run after them to satisfy them that they are seeing enough of DC. I don't mean stop them from seeing him but rather , if they want to, they have to work around what suits your routine. You had a very difficult birth, and this might have had an impact on why you are struggling now, can you talk to a health visitor? or someone to help you find ways of making life a bit easier now? Then their attitude might not bother you as much if you are gettnig help from somewhere. What does your DH say about it?

I'm sorry you are going through this OP and can relate to how hurtful it all feels. My parents are similarly (at the bare minimum) interested in their grandson. They don't have as good a bond with him as they think they do (he's 14 now) and this is the result of apathy on their part. He is their only grandson so it's not as if they are overwhelmed with other grandchildren etc. Granted my mum gave me a lot of advice in the early days as she had a health care role with babies, but she has never followed her own advice and there is a definite feeling of a lack of real interest or love to her own and only grandson. She has given me just enough so that I can't criticise but it saddens me that she can't enjoy her grandson or really be a great support to him. My son has picked up on this big time, as will your son eventually. Not to mention that you've had a very traumatic birth and they've shown very little interest. It must be devastating for you. We are all sort of conditioned to think a mum is for life but sadly once some of their kids have reached a more responsible age they are happy to wash their hands of them and let them get on with it. I don't agree with this at all and my values have very much clashed with my parents values, I think they come across very cold hearted at times and there have been several issues.

I'm rambling now. What advice would I give to you? Well... I think they've shown you the level of interest they have already and it's hard on you as a new mum as you are coping with new life challenges but yet grieving the idea of what you thought your parents were at the same time. It's an awful place to be. For some of the people who voted YABU they are seriously out of touch. Who on earth would think it's acceptable to think parents not caring that their child was seriously ill during labour or anything else!!! A daughter is a daughter even if they are grown up now.This is definitely not okay. Under any circumstances. And to the PP who said remember this when they are old and fragile I totally agree. Families should be able to care for each other whatever ages they are and life stages they are at. It's often when we become mothers ourselves we realise how little some of our parents actually did for us.

I'm still working on this even now, but I would say you're going to have to lower your expectations of them as they are not up to the job. Somehow you have to detach yourself emotionally from how they are and try to reduce how much their hurtful actions affect you. They're not going to change and you'll be banging your head upon the proverbial brick wall trying to get any sort of support from them.

I wouldn't initiate taking your son to theirs. They sound like they've become over entitled and self absorbed, if they weren't already. Look at their actions rather than their words. I don't think they necessarily need to come and visit you but I don't think you should be having to go to theirs either. The whole thing should be balanced and it sounds like they want it all their own way. How about suggesting a suitable half way point, meeting in a cafe for a bit, or a halfway pub for lunch and they can see him then? Dont fall into the trap of always driving him to theirs, they sound like they dream of sitting on thrones and don't give enough of a shit about their daughter and think the world revolves around them. I'm sorry to sound harsh, this makes me really angry. Big hugs OP

Have you invited them to your house? They obviously do want to see their gc otherwise they wouldn't be asking you to visit them.

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Have you invited them to your house? They obviously do want to see their gc otherwise they wouldn't be asking you to visit them.

I have asked them to visit so many times at least once a week since he was born and nothing, just change the subject and try talking about something else.

Yes this is pretty hurtful. They're doing what they want,.so you do what you want. Stay at home, send pictures, invite them when you feel up to it.

Does your son have other grandparents? Tbh I quite deliberately didn't make all the running to build a relationship between my dad and my son because he was such a damaged character. I sometimes feel bad about that, but he has a decent relationship with his other GPs and I think that's fine.

Yanbu, I would find it hard to forgive and would not.be taking an interest in them when they need elderly assistance for example.

You treat people as you want to be treated, they have shown you how they want to be treated.

They ARE taking an interest in your son , you have said they're constantly texting you to go and see them. There may be many reasons they don't come to visit you

Perhaps you have given off the vibe that they're intruding at some point ?

When you were poorly during the birth what could they do?

They sent a congratulations text as soon as he was born

I think you're over reacting. Some people just Arent as involved as we would want them to be it doesn't make them shitty.

You sound very angry and upset I think this has been festering away for a long time

You need to speak to them CALMLY. Without the hysterics and just explain how you feel.

Been there, seen it, done it.

Do not send pictures. Do not visit.

Send a text saying they are welcome to visit etc but lean back and disengage.

Mine expressed an interest when they were born but did not ask after me. I was expected to visit the then 400 mile round trip and I was the one phoning.

I (after several incidents) have disengaged and won’t re-engage of my own free will. They want a relationship - they step up.

I don't think they like you very much

My mil was similar.. I had a suspected heart attack after an emcs. Had ds premature.. Dh rang mil and she said it was good he was early so dh could go on holiday with them now (just dh to do with a hobby).. She never asked about me or even messaged me. She didn't bother with ds and we went nc when he was 4 months.

Why not have a calm conversation instead of ‘calling them out’? It’s a shame they don’t visit but is there a reason why eg do they get on with your DH, are you a good host (providing food and drink etc), do you have pets they don’t like, or live in a place with no parking, lack of space for visitors, or lots of stairs? Is it a tricky drive? Do they have caring responsibilities eg for elderly parents or siblings? There could be a reason they invite you to theirs instead of coming to see you.

It doesn’t sound like they’re dis-interested more not very engaged. Of course covid and lockdowns prevented visiting, and after the birth it sounds like you were texting them happily before the sudden haemorrhage so they may have not realised the seriousness of it (hence all the messages of congratulations). Did your DH play it down to avoid worrying them?

Generally we go to visit parents rather than the other way around, although they’re welcome here. I guess they’re more comfortable in their own home, without the pressure of driving?

YANBU OP that’s really sad, and unfortunately it sounds like your DS is going to miss out. Are his other GPs more interested? If so maybe you can nurture that relationship so he has a positive experience there?

@Holly60

YANBU OP that’s really sad, and unfortunately it sounds like your DS is going to miss out. Are his other GPs more interested? If so maybe you can nurture that relationship so he has a positive experience there?

Children don’t miss what they never had from the start.

I stupidly re engaged when they were older. They like eldest and enjoyed her company very academic and bookworm like. Didn’t like youngest who had hearing and speech issues. They made this crystal clear. The kids noticed. I noticed. I regret putting them through it. We disengaged - parents have not contacted the children at all to ask after them or me. They did not contact them on their birthdays and I will not be sending them a Christmas card ever again nor birthday or anniversary cards as they didn’t contact me on mine or the kids on theirs. They can get stuffed. Let them engage. Don’t keep picking a snake up that bites you - learn.

Where they shit parents? Congrats OP btw

I don't have a mum and my dad does little for my nearly 2year old and my husband's mum and dad haven't seen him on 18 months. They just don't care and it hurts. They don't even ask us to bring him to them or ask how he is..