To think it isn't the end of the world if my BF meets my kids?

[mammmabear]

I hadn’t planned to introduce my kids (8 and 9) to my BF for a long while but it’s been 5 months and I’m finding it stressful always making sure their paths don’t cross.

We live in a small town and twice now BF and I have been in town and seen the kids with their dad. On both occasions we spotted them first so I just went over without BF…but it’s only a matter of time.

Also had an episode where their dad was running late to pick them up and BF was on his way over and I was so bloody stressed he’d arrive before they left.

It’s not the kids I’m worried about, they’d not bat an eyelid at meeting my ‘friend’, but I’m worried about my childless BF who thinks any kind of meeting with the kids is months away, but won’t come anywhere near my house until (his words) the coast is clear.

It’s starting to annoy me if I’m honest. My kids aren’t that scary - no one will spontaneously combust if he crosses paths with them.

I’m lucky enough to see my BF most days as we live and work nearby (obviously when kids are at school or with their dad) but I am really tiring of having to keep them from meeting at all costs. I’m not looking to do any formal introductions or have family days out, but AIBU unreasonable to want to tell BF I don’t want to keep stressing myself out to ensure there’s never a chance they’ll meet in the shorter term? And that he needs to be prepared that it’s a possibility?

This is my first serious relationship in years so I’ve not faced this before.

YABU. Too early

Is he not wanting to meet them because he thinks it's too soon?
Or is he generally anti-kids?
If it's the former, he's being responsible
If it's the latter... he's not for you.

I met my mum’s boyfriend at a similar age by mistake (he sadly died a couple of years ago) as I was out shopping with a family friend. He was great about it and very friendly. I wasn’t formally introduced for a couple more months but wasn’t harmed by knowing he existed. I do have to say that my mum made things easier for us by not living together and staying dating. They adored each other till the end.

I guess he thinks you dont want them meeting yet as im sure you outlined this at the beginning of relationship. But now your feelings have changed.

I think it's silly to stress and make sure he is out of the way all the time if he's going to be introduced as a friend at first .
But no at 5 months in I wouldn't be calling him partner in front of kids or having them see you act like a couple.

As pp above said the friendly meetings helped . I guess knowing they exist and seeing them a few times 'as a friend' makes it less difficult than one day a year in ''this is mums new boyfriend''

He doesn't want to meet your kids so you can't force that. You'll need to carry on making sure they don't meet and respect his feelings.

But also if he just doesn't want to be around them yet,at all,for his own reasons then you should respect that

@Notimeforaname

I guess he thinks you dont want them meeting yet as im sure you outlined this at the beginning of relationship. But now your feelings have changed.

I think it's silly to stress and make sure he is out of the way all the time if he's going to be introduced as a friend at first .
But no at 5 months in I wouldn't be calling him partner in front of kids or having them see you act like a couple.

This is exactly it. I said early on I'd be waiting a very long time to introduce them but the reality is it's starting to get awkward.

Absolutely no plans to introduce him as a partner, but I'm beginning to feel that nothing awful would happen if he was introduced as a friend.

Well, why he is being like this is fairly critical to the situation.

I think meeting casually 6-12 months in is a good thing & there's no harm in kids knowing you're 'dating'.

He's acting like they're radio active... why??

@Notimeforaname

As pp above said the friendly meetings helped . I guess knowing they exist and seeing them a few times 'as a friend' makes it less difficult than one day a year in ''this is mums new boyfriend''

This is my other concern!

Absolutely no plans to introduce him as a partner, but I'm beginning to feel that nothing awful would happen if he was introduced as a friend

Then if he has no problem with it, off you go. Theres no harm.

But if he needs more time and you can work out a way to not feel so stressed about it,that would be best.

Have you spoken to him at all about how you feel?

Has he outright said ''I dont want to meet them yet'' or is he just following the 'rules' you may have set in place at the beginning and he just doesn't know you've changed your mind/are thinking differently?

@Notimeforaname

Have you spoken to him at all about how you feel?

Has he outright said ''I dont want to meet them yet'' or is he just following the 'rules' you may have set in place at the beginning and he just doesn't know you've changed your mind/are thinking differently?

I haven't and I really should. The only chat we've ever had on the matter was three weeks into dating, when he expressed nerves about the fact I'm a parent and what that would mean for him. That was the point at which I told him meeting my kids was a long long way off. I've not mentioned it since.

Ah might be worth bringing it up casually.

Just saying how its stressed you out a bit..not looking for him to purposely meet them but if it happened or your paths crossed (as it has done) that you were thinking that he could casually be introduced as a friend rather than ducking and diving and feeling as though you are doing something wrong by having a social life.

But don't make it seem like you're expecting him to do it and 'take the stress away from you' as that would add extra pressure onto him which is what he understandably wants to avoid for now as quite rightly it's very new to him and he is still getting to know you.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable here.

Definitely have a chat with him just being truthful about how the 'hiding' makes you feel.

@Notimeforaname

Ah might be worth bringing it up casually.

Just saying how its stressed you out a bit..not looking for him to purposely meet them but if it happened or your paths crossed (as it has done) that you were thinking that he could casually be introduced as a friend rather than ducking and diving and feeling as though you are doing something wrong by having a social life.

But don't make it seem like you're expecting him to do it and 'take the stress away from you' as that would add extra pressure onto him which is what he understandably wants to avoid for now as quite rightly it's very new to him and he is still getting to know you.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable here.

Definitely have a chat with him just being truthful about how the 'hiding' makes you feel.

This is really fantastic advice. Thank you.

I hadn't thought of how to phrase it without sounding like I was pressuring him, but this is great.

I hope it works out for you op!