Feel like I am no real friends

[courtney251]

Hi,

The past few weeks I've been finding really difficult, I just feel like I have no real friends. Don't get me wrong I have a lot of friends but nobody I can really rely on. I feel like recently nobody rings me to check on me or see how I am or because they want to meet up, I feel like I'm always chasing people. I'm 32 and I have two children and my husband but I'm feeling lonely. I would love to have some really close friends who I could ring at 5am to talk to if I needed to but I just don't have that sort of close friendships with anybody. Sometimes I'll go on social media and see people out and think why didn't they invite me. Does anybody have any advice? I feel like I'm too old now to make new friends.

You’re not too old to make friends! Most of my current good friends are people I’ve known in the last 10 years and I’m mid forties.

Do you try to organise things with people at all? What do they say if you arrange a social activity and invite them?

Having said that, ringing someone at 5am is for emergencies only really isn’t it. Are you saying you regularly feel in a crisis recently?

Thanks for your reply. With the ringing at 5am I just meant if I was in need to talk to someone urgently I feel like I don't have anybody to do that with.I just feel like I'm not really valued as a friend. I have two closest friends and none of them really make any effort any more. I feel like if I didn't contact them we prob would drift apart.

I realised when my marriage fell apart that I'd always been the listener but no one wanted to listen.

After that realisation, I really thought about the "Friends" I had in past. Every one of them gained something from me whilst I gained nothing from them. Might have been small things, leant them a £10 and not got it back, helped decorate their house because I can cut in well, listened to their woes and made them cups of tea and handed out biscuits etc. But there was no one who'd lend me a £10, help me decorate or listen to my woes.

I dropped them all. Stopped answering the phone, stopped lending, stopped listening.
Life is better.

My tips for finding friends, find ones that are as happy to be used as their are to use you.

Well, I have many people I consider good, reliable friends but I don’t think I’d be able to reach them very easily out of hours, I wouldn’t use that as your bench mark.

As I’ve asked, are you trying to make an effort with them? You say you contact them (is this text, DM. Snap etc) or do you actively try to meet up and they don’t respond or reciprocate. The two things are quite different.

If the latter, are you able to widen the net a bit by trying to speak more to other people who you like but who perhaps aren’t more than acquaintances at the moment? School mums, or other parents at kid’s activities etc?

It's just a horrible feeling because I have so many 'friends' but really I have nobody. I go above and beyond from people and I don't get that back from anybody. It sounds silly but even last week my son started Primary school and not one person text me and said good luck or hope he has a nice day and it just made me feel like crap cause that's what friends do don't they.

Ahh! Well it sounds like your friends have become a bit distracted with other things and if they aren’t being the kind of friends you want, then it’s perfectly reasonable to seek new ones.

I have three kids OP, I didn’t get a text from them on first day school/ secondary etc and I’m not sure that’s normal!
Would you have expected that? Are other people getting these messages and are you sending them?
Family maybe, but I have never sent a message like that to any of my friends for their children either. Maybe that just me and my friends (although we’re not just one big group).

You sound a bit fed up. What social activities do you do for yourself?

Op not easy. Agree. Its this constant oh we busy busy. Have prob 2 good friends thats it. Even a coffee cinema hard get anyone do it so I go alone. Its hard I do feel it.

I do think I'm in a bit of a rut. I've got two young children 2 & 4 so at the moment I really don't get any time to my self at all. When it's comes to texting on first day of schools etc I've always done that for people so maybe that's why I expected it back. I just felt like that was quite a big moment on my life and it would of been nice to ask how it went etc but some of my friends would rather talk about shitty reality shows and maybe I'm just not really in to that any more. I just would love some mum friends but I find it difficult meeting new people

What is irksome is say you have a friend, Jane.
You text Jane to say hi in June, had a little chat.
You don't hear from her again so call in July, have a chat.
Weeks pass and you call Jane again and go for coffee.
August, you text Jane.
You call Jane
You invite Jane.

Eventually you realise, you're the one making effort so you stop.
Jane never texts, calls, organises coffee.

Well now your 4 year old has started school, you have some real opportunities there to meet some people.
Other mums will be looking for and doing the same too. Some of my closest friends are people I met through school.

Look approachable, smile and try to be friendly and with any luck, you’ll have some new friends in no time.
Chin up 💐

I feel like I'm too old now to make new friends

That’s an awful attitude! I wonder how many friends you’ve missed out on by thinking this?

You are now a school mum and others will be wanting to make friends - be open and invite people out - or over for coffee or a play date for the younger ones.